感情关系中的“挑刺”行为
原创：Psychology心理探寻
When you feel that you are falling in love with someone, it makes you believe that you can spend your whole life with this person without any significant problem. However, with time, your pink glasses slowly become transparent, and you begin to notice small faults in your partner. This is when it is time to analyze the roots of nitpicking in a relationship. Even if you try to meet mature single ladies, or even if you are already dating one of these glorious beauties, you still can fall into the trap of nitpicking. Nitpicking in a relationship develops very slowly, but it can actually ruin your relationship.
当你感到自己爱上某人时，你相信你能够几乎顺风顺水地与此人共度余生。但随时间推移，遮蔽在你眼睛上的粉色镜片逐渐变成了透明，你开始注意到对方身上的一些小缺点。这时，就该分析感情关系中“挑刺”行为的根源。即使你试图寻找成熟的单身女性，或你正在和女神类型的女生约会，你依旧会陷入这种“挑刺”陷阱。感情中的“挑刺”行为发展得非常缓慢，但却会给感情带来毁灭。
At this stage, it is crucial to understand that even those people who have the healthiest relationships in the world, still face problems. The reason for this is that when you live with your partner, you inevitably face differences between you two, bad habits of your partner and flaws of his or her personality. If you or your partner don't know how to react to those things, then it may lead to nitpicking in a relationship. But there is nothing to worry about because there are still plenty of reasons to get married, and nitpicking will never spoil your relationship if you know how to act.
在这一阶段，关键的一点是，要明白即使世界上最健康的感情关系，也依旧存在种种问题。原因在于，当你与对方共同生活时，你们不可避免地会面临你们二者之间的差异，对方的坏习惯以及性格缺陷。如果你们不知道如何应对这些，那么就很可能会导致“挑刺”行为的发生。但也不必担忧，因为依旧还会有很多结婚的理由，而且，如果你们知道如何应对，那么“挑刺”行为就永远不会破坏你们的感情关系。
Nitpicking in a Relationship: Definition and Origin 感情关系中的挑刺行为：定义与由来
So, what is nitpicking? First of all, to define nitpicking, let's pay attention to the word itself. All those who have already had children and faced problems with head lice know how hard it is to literally "nit-pick." When it comes to nitpicking in relationships, this word means minor criticism or faultfinding. In simple terms, nitpicking meaning suggests that one or both partners intentionally focus on things in a very negative way. Without a single doubt, those who are in relationships with nitpickers feel frustrated because their partners behave in such a way. After all, in the majority of cases, nitpicking is very harmful to relationships.
那么，什么是挑刺（nit-虱卵，nitpicking 原意：摘除头发上的虱卵）呢？首先，要定义这个词，我们先看这个词的本身含义。所有有孩子，孩子头发上生过虱子的人都知道摘除头发上的虱卵是多么困难。那么，当在感情关系中，这个词意味着吹毛求疵，挑剔找错。简而言之，挑刺，是指双方中的一位或二者均故意用非常负面的方式聚焦于某件事物。毫无疑问，如果感情中一方是这种爱挑刺之人，那么另一方肯定会因此而感到沮丧受挫。在大多数情形下，“挑刺”行为对感情都是极具危害性的。
general patterns of the behavior of nitpickers 挑刺者的普遍行为模式
First of all, they observe what their partners do. They do it very quietly, and they aim to find something to nitpick their partner for. The second one is when they find some faults or mistakes. When they do, they quickly get their partners to know that they are doing something wrong. Finally, due to nitpicker's confidence in his or her rightness, they begin to give instructions to their partners on how to do something right.
首先，他们会观察对方所作所为。他们会静静观察，目的是想要找出一些自己可以指责之处。
其次，当他们找到一些缺点或错误时，他们会很快告知对方。
最后，由于挑刺者坚定不移地相信自己是正确的，他们会开始建议对方正确做法该是什么。
Note, there is a big difference between nitpicking and constructive criticism. While it is absolutely normal to let your partner know that he or she is doing something wrong, you should never nitpick him or her to do this. Ideally, your criticism shouldn't sound like one. Thus, it will never cause negative emotions, but only a desire to become better. In turn, nitpicking just annoys and calls for more problems in a relationship.
注意，“挑刺”和“建设性批评”之间存在巨大差别。尽管向对方指出他们的错误，无可厚非，但你无论如何都不应该采用“挑刺”的方式。你的批评也不应该听起来像是在挑刺。这样，它就不会引起负面情绪，只会让对方感到一种想要做得更好的欲望。
挑刺行为只会让对方不悦，并导致更多问题。
Main Examples of Nitpicking in a Relationship 感情关系中“挑刺”行为示例
Surely, the difference between healthy criticism and nitpicking is very blurry because what disappoints one person may not affect the other one at all. In fact, you can't rely purely on your or your partner's emotions because those can be affected by various external factors. So, this is why we've decided to share some examples of nitpicking. Our examples will also give you a better understanding of this problem, and you won't need to search, "Why do people nitpick each other?" This list of examples also can serve as a very convenient way to check yourself to know whether you are a nitpicker or not.
当然，健康批评和挑刺之间的界限非常模糊，因为每个人的接受程度不一样。实际上，你也无法完全基于对方的情绪，因为情绪也会被各种外界因素影响。这也是为什么我们决定分享一些“挑刺”行为的例子。通过这些例子，你能够更好地理解这一问题，而且你也不需要去搜索“人么为什么要互相挑刺？”。通过这些例子，你能够非常方面地自查，看自己是否是一个爱挑刺之人。
- A nitpicker focuses on the problem
挑刺者对一个问题纠缠不休
For example, when one partner drives a car, a nitpicker dissatisfied with his or her manner of driving, may say something like, "Why can't you pay attention to the traffic signs?" Thus, this person not just only points on the problem itself, but also states that his or her partner can't pay attention to something.
例如，当一方在开车，另一方爱挑刺之人对其驾驶方式不满，可能就会说诸如：你怎么就不能专心看交通标志呢？这样，这个人不仅只是指向这一问题，同时也陈述了对方无法专注某事物。
- Hits his or her partner’s personality
攻击对方人格
Almost anything can trigger a nitpicker to say something like, "You are stupid and dull" to his or her partner. In this case, a nitpicker doesn't even try to fix the issue. Instead, he or she just insults their romantic partners. Of course, this is very far from what is considered a healthy criticism.
几乎任何事情都会触发一个爱挑刺之人对配偶说“你真是又蠢又笨”之类的话。这种情形下，这个爱挑刺之人甚至没有想要去解决问题，而是纯粹去攻击对方。当然，这与所谓的“健康批评”就相去甚远了。
- A critical guess/批判型猜测
When a nitpicker sees that his or her partner struggles with something, they, instead of providing some real help and supporting their partners, will simply say, "It seems to me that you are not smart enough to perform this task." Everyone, except for nitpickers, understands that this approach is terribly wrong.
当一个爱挑刺之人看到配偶因某件事而困扰时，他们并不提供一些实质的帮助或支持，而只是说：“在我看来你的智商根本不足以完成这项任务。”除了爱挑刺之人，其他人都知道这种做法是极其错误的。
- Blaming instead of supporting
指责，而非支持
No matter what happens between two partners or with both of them in their lives, a nitpicker will always blame the other one for their problems. You can choose any topic, and any problem you want, and nothing will change because a nitpicker will always blame his or her partner, "It is all on you!"
无论两人生活中出现什么事情，爱挑刺之人总是会将责任归咎于对方身上。你可以选择任何话题，任何问题，但这种情形依旧会出现，因为爱挑刺之人总是会指责对方，“都怪你！”。
- Attempts to control/试图控制
Nitpickers are very overconfident people. This is because they believe that they are smarter than everyone else around them. Combine this quality with their desire to control their partners, and, in the result, you won't be surprised to hear from a nitpicker something like, "I know better! I am much smarter and have better education."
爱挑刺之人是非常过于自信之人。这是因为他们觉得自己比身边的人都要聪明。这种特质，再加上他们想要控制对方，那么，当你听到一个爱挑刺之人说“我比你懂得多，我要聪明得多，学历也更高”之类的话时，也就不足为奇了。
- They force to obey/强迫对方服从
In the eyes of a nitpicker, it is mandatory for you to follow his or her recommendation. For this very reason, you shouldn't be surprised if you hear them saying, "You must do what I say. Otherwise, you will be punished." This is their favorite technique because your obedience contributes to their self-confidence.
在爱挑刺之人看来，你必须服从他的建议。因此，当你听到他们说，“你必须按我说的做，否则你会被惩罚的。”之类的话时，也并不足为奇。它是他们最爱的策略，因为你的服从，可以进一步巩固他们的过度自信。
Why Do People Nitpick If They Seem to Love Each Other?如果人们似乎彼此相爱，为什么还会挑刺呢？
What does nitpick mean to your relationship? Definitely nothing good, it will bring you only anxiety and pain. Both nitpickers and his or her partner, sooner or later, will suffer from the consequences of nitpicking, and this hurricane of emotions will be painful for both partners. However, for some reason, people still nitpick their partners in relationships. And here, we are talking about relatively healthy relationships, in which partners seem to truly love each other. So, why do people do this? Generally, there are two main reasons for this type of behavior in relatively healthy relationships.
挑刺，对你的感情来说意为着什么？绝对是毫无益处。它只会给你带来焦虑和痛苦。挑刺者和其配偶，早晚都会遭受到“挑刺”所带来的后果，这种情绪飓风对双方而言都会是痛苦的。
但，处于某种原因，人们依旧会对配偶挑刺。这里，我们讨论的是那些相对健康的感情关系，那些彼此之间看起来真爱对方的感情关系。那么，为什么人们这样做呢？整体而言，在相对健康感情关系中，对于这种行为类型，有两个主要原因。
- The first reason is that one of the partners, in fact, has low self-esteem. This can explain why they want to pull their partners down to appear taller on their background. You see, those people who have no problems with their self-esteem don't need to nitpick others, especially their significant others. So, if you see that you or your partner tend to nitpick, pay attention to your or their level of self-esteem because this may be the simplest way to resolve this problem once and for all. However, this still will take a pretty decent amount of time.
1. 第一个原因，是实际上，其中一个人自尊感较低。这也就解释了为什么他们想要贬低对方，来显得自己更高一些。那些自尊感正常之人不需要挑别人的刺，尤其是对于他们的配偶。因此，当你发现你或你的配偶常常挑刺时，关注你自己或对方的自尊感水平，因为这可能是一劳永逸解决这一问题的最简单方法。但这依旧会花相当长的时间。
- The second reason is the possible complexes. For example, a person can be too pessimistic, and may not be able to see positive things in people around them. In some cases, complexes make people behave too noisy. Those people always try to stick their noses in their partner's businesses. Also, a person may simply not understand that he or she actually hurts someone by this kind of behavior. This is why it is very important to discuss this matter with your partner before trying to change anything. Of course, here we didn't mention anything about cases when people nitpick due to boredom, or because they are abusers. After all, those reasons are clear signs that their relationships are very far from being healthy.
- 第二个原因，是可能存在的心理情结。
例如，一个人可能会过于悲观，可能无法看到周围人身上的积极一面。某些情形下，一些心理情结会让一些人行为出格。他们总是想要干涉对方的事情。另外，一个人可能只是不知道他的这种行为实际上会伤害对方。这也是为什么在试图改变这种行为之前，需要和对方先进行讨论。当然，这里我们没有提到其他原因，比如因为无聊而挑刺，因为虐待施暴倾向而挑刺等。毕竟，此类原因很明显就标志着他们的感情关系已经远非健康了。
How to Stop or Prevent Nitpicking in Relationships 如何停止和预防感情关系中的挑刺行为
It is obvious that if you have spotted even the slightest signs of nitpicking in your or your partner's behavior, you must immediately take steps to fix this issue. So, how to stop nitpicking in a relationship? Fixing this problem will require perseverance, time, and a tremendous amount of effort. If you are the nitpicker in your relationship, then things are much simpler because you are not only aware of this problem but also are willing to fix it. In any case, our small tips and bits of advice will help you deal with nitpicking in a relationship regardless of your position.
很明显，如果你已经察觉到对方有，即使很细微的挑刺倾向，那么你必须立即采取步骤解决这一问题。那么，如何做呢？解决这一问题将需要毅力、时间和大量精力。如果在这段感情中，你是爱挑刺者，那么就简单得多了，因为你不仅已经意识到了这一问题，而且愿意改正。无论何种情形，下面的建议都会帮助你解决“挑刺”问题。
- Keep calm/保持冷静
Remember, no matter what happens in your relationship, you must always remain calm. If you lose the control over your emotions, you may make terrible and unfixable mistakes that will cause permanent damage to your relationship. So, when dealing with nitpicking, make sure that you are not shouting at each other, or, at least, try to pretend that you are calm.
记住，无论感情中发生什么，都必须始终保持冷静。如果你失去对情绪的控制，那么就可能会导致一些无法修复的重大错误，对感情造成永久损害。因此，当应对“挑刺”问题时，确保不要互相争吵，或至少，努力去假装冷静。
- Reframe the problem/换个角度看待问题
If in your relationship, you are a nitpicker, then try to reframe problems. We are talking about changing your attitude toward them. Quite often, people overestimate their problems and treat them too seriously. For example, it is not a big deal if your partner doesn't load a dishwasher as optimally as you usually do.
如果在感情中，你是那个挑刺者，那么试图换个角度看待问题。改变你对问题的态度。通常，人们会高估问题严重性，以过于严肃认真的态度对待。例如，如果对方并没有按照你平时的完美做法把碗碟摆放到洗碗机里，那么这根本不是什么大不了的事情。
- Find a distraction/分散注意力
If you know that your partner is going to do something wrong, and you can't avoid nitpicking him or her, then you need to find a distraction. For example, you can go to a different spot in your home while your partner does something. However, this is just a temporary decision.
如果你知道对方即将做错某件事，而且你无法控制自己不去“挑刺”，那么你需要找东西分散你的注意力。比如，当对方做这件事时，你可以去家中的另一个地方。但是，这只是暂时性的解决方案。
- Offer help/提供帮助
Instead of focusing on your partner's mistakes and commanding them on how to improve something, you can simply offer your help. However, don't tell your partner they need it. Just tell them that you want to help. Thus, you will help your partner fix their mistakes, and you both will feel happy about it.
不要去聚焦于对方的错误，命令对方应如何改进，而是提供帮助。但是，不要告诉对方他们需要帮助。只是告诉对方你想要帮助。这样，你既能够帮助对方改正他们的错误，两个人又都能够感到快乐。
- Don’t focus on personalities
不要聚焦于人格
You see, your task is to avoid offending your partner. So, when you see that your partner is wrong in something, or that something can be improved, never tell them that they are stupid, incapable or in some other way inferior to you. This will only insult them, and you won't achieve what you want.
如你所见，你的任务是，避免触怒对方。因此，当你看到对方犯错时，或有待改进之处时，永远不要说他们愚蠢、无能或其他任何表示他们不如你的言辞。这只会侮辱他们，你也得不到自己想要的。
- Be honest with your partner/坦诚相告
No matter whether you are a nitpicker or being nitpicked by your partner, you should always be sincere with your partner, especially when you have negative feelings. This will help them know what they need to change in themselves. Plus, honesty will express your intention to save your relationship.
无论你是挑刺者或是被挑刺者，你应该始终坦诚告知对方，尤其当你有负面感受时。这会帮助他们认识到他们自身需要改变。另外，真诚，将会传递出你内心是想挽救这段感情的。
- Don’t doubt and undermine your partner
不要质疑或贬低对方
One of the biggest problems with nitpicking is that, instead of making things better, it makes everything only worse. So, you need to learn not to undermine and doubt your partner. Remember, even if they are less efficient than you are, this doesn't mean that they can't be successful.
“挑刺”行为的重要问题之一是，它并不会让事情变好，而只是会让所有事情变得更糟。因此，你需要学着不要去贬低或质疑对方。记住，即使他们不如你有效率，这也并不意味着他们无法成功。
- Respect their personal boundaries
尊重他们的个人界限
Without a single doubt, you share many things with your partner, but there are still things that are only yours and theirs. Therefore, at any cost, you must avoid violating their personal boundaries because instead of helping them, you will only make everything worse. Note: don't help unless you are asked to, or a person agreed to receive your help.
毫无疑问，你们之间有很多事情毫无保留，但你们依旧有各自独属的事物。因此，无论如何，必须要避免侵犯他们的个人界限，因为这样并不会帮助他们，而是只会让事情恶化。注意：除非被要求提供帮助，或对方同意接受帮助，那么，不要去帮助。
- Forget about punishing/不要惩罚
The worst thing you can do is to try to punish your partner for not obeying your "recommendations." If you want to have a future with this person, then never let yourself withdraw affection or punish your partner for doing something in their own way.
最糟糕的事情，莫过于因为对方没有服从你的“建议”而去试图惩罚对方。如果你想要和对方共度未来，那么不要因为对方想要按照自己的方式做事情，就收回你的爱意，或惩罚对方。
- Work on your communication
努力提升沟通
In healthy relationships, partners can resolve any obstacle because they have established communication and maintain it. In fact, even if one partner tends to nitpick, the other one will immediately find words to explain why this is bad. In turn, the second partner will understand his or her mistake and will find words to ask for forgiveness and, at the same time, help his or her partner become better.
在健康感情关系中，双方能够解决任何障碍，因为他们已经建立了沟通机制并会维护这种沟通机制。实际上，即使当一方常常挑刺，另一方也会立即通过合适的措辞，来解释为什么这样是不好的。这样，挑刺者就会明白其自身错误，并会寻找合适的措辞，来寻求谅解，同时也帮助对方变得更好。
Even though nitpicking won't destroy your relationship in a couple of days, this problem still capable of slowly damaging it. So, unless you do something about this problem, you will inevitably face a breakup with your significant other. The fact that you genuinely love your partner, in this case, means nothing. To build a healthy relationship, you need more than just your love. You also must know how to communicate with this person and have a desire to become better for him or her. Also, try to see you and your partner as two partners of a single team. This approach will help work on your communication and achieve new things.
即使“挑刺”行为并不会在短短几日内摧毁你的感情关系，但依旧可能会慢慢破坏它。所以，除非你能够去解决这一问题，否则你势必会面临和对方分手。这种情形下，即使你发自真心地爱对方，也毫无意义。要营建健康感情关系，你需要的不仅仅只是爱。你还必须要知道如何与对方沟通，并想要为对方而提升自己。另外，试着将你们视为一个团队中的两个合作伙伴，这一角度将帮助你们提升沟通，达成新的收获。
