Coco有话说

人们往往认为,相比于男性,女性更喜欢“聊八卦”。生活中,女性经常表现为更关注身边的风流韵事和家长里短,也更喜欢聚在一起谈论身边的各种消息;在微博等网络平台上,女性网友似乎也更乐于关注并评论明星的私事和绯闻。为什么女性更乐于八卦呢?其原因是什么?看似无可厚非的八卦行为是否可能导致一些严重的后果呢?


古往今来,女性常被认为是“八卦”的代名词。女性会经常结伴逛街、吃饭等,一边进行这些活动,一边拉家常。中学校园里,女生们常常在课间聚在走廊上聊八卦,在小团体间传播一些道听途说来的“一手消息”。周末的咖啡厅里,也经常可以看到几位姐妹聚在一起,一边喝咖啡,一边聊八卦……

在关注到这些现象的同时,我们不禁开始思考,为什么女性对“八卦”如此热衷?八卦是否真的不会激起大的风浪?我们又该如何应对社会生活中的八卦呢?

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女性为何爱八卦

强有力的同性竞争手段

进化心理学理论认为,生存和繁衍是人类一生中两个最重要的问题,人类的许多行为都是在解决这两大问题。从进化的角度来说,面对同性竞争,男性更偏爱直接的身体攻击,例如正面冲撞,打架等攻击性行为。但女性往往更脆弱,更需要保存体力照顾孩子,因此身体攻击会让她们付出更大的生存和繁衍代价。“间接攻击”或称作关系或社会攻击,则成为了女性惯用的竞争手段;它包含许多社会竞争中的隐蔽策略,针对竞争对手的八卦就是其中一种。

女性希望通过八卦将竞争对手排除在自己的社会团体外,甚至摧毁对手维持一个可靠的社交网络的能力。例如,在学校中,受到流言蜚语攻击的女生很难拥有能够给她们提供社会支持的小团体,也很难再结交亲密的朋友。女性对和自己相关的八卦非常敏感,更容易受到对自己不利的八卦的摧残;有研究发现,受到八卦攻击的女性往往会报告非常高的压力水平。

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热衷八卦的群体氛围

女性相比于男性会花更多时间和同性朋友聊八卦,例如,我们常常可以看到几位女性朋友一整个下午都坐在咖啡厅里开“茶话会”。然而,我们却并不能通过女性间在聊八卦来简单地预测她们间具有较高的关系质量。也就是说,女性并不是只会和关系亲密的人聊八卦;并且,无论面对谁提供的八卦信息,她们都会给予积极的回应与反馈。因此,这种“热衷八卦”的群体氛围可能也在某种程度上促进了她们八卦的欲望与习惯

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女性八卦的恶性后果

如果不对她人构成伤害,那么女性聚在一起聊聊八卦、沟通感情本无可厚非;然而,无论是在生活中还是在网络上,过度或不恰当使用的八卦最终往往都会演变成可以伤害,甚至致她人于死地的“利剑”

最近几年,校园暴力受到了广泛的社会关注。从《悲伤逆流成河》到《少年的你》,这些影视作品都反映了青春期女生遭受流言蜚语欺凌后的悲惨遭遇。另一方面,网络暴力也导致了许多令人悲痛的后果。许多女性因为网络上的流言蜚语罹患抑郁症,而韩国前段时间更是有几名女星受持久的网络流言导致的抑郁的影响而相继结束了自己的生命。

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少年的你剧照

这些案例都在不断提醒我们,八卦这种间接攻击有时比直接的身体攻击更容易被放大,最终也更容易导致更加严重的社会后果。而由于女性更容易卷入八卦,因此相比于男性,她们往往更可能成为这些事件的始作俑者和受害者。


其实,八卦在社会生活中是具有两面性的。虽然它确实给人们提供了一种用负面信息操纵他人名声的手段,也确实会造成一些不良后果,但它也可以使人们了解非明文规定的社会团体里的规则,惩罚偏离社会规范的行为并促进合作。例如,刚到公司的新员工可以通过同事间的八卦来知晓什么行为是在公司不被认可的,从而更好地约束自己的行为。因此,在面对八卦行为时,我们首先需要进行判断——判断它是基于何种目的,是否真实,以及是否可能造成恶劣的社会影响

在社会生活中,同性竞争必然会出现。但面对这样的竞争,女性究竟应该选择何种方式去应对,应该怎样放平自己的心态和位置,应该怎样使用八卦策略去提升群体合作性,而不是毁坏生活质量,这些都是我们应该反省和思考的重要课题。

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主要参考文献:

Mcandrew, F. (2014). The “sword of a woman”: Gossip and female aggression. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 19(3), 196-199.

推文作者:董艺佳
插图:郭震
编辑:林靓
排版:董艺佳

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KEY POINTS/要点

Clients benefit from gaining new insight into their patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior.
深入洞察个人的想法、情绪和行为模式,能够让患者受益;

New insights in therapy may emerge either abruptly or gradually, over time.
咨询过程中的新洞察发现或是猛然领悟,或是逐渐发生。

Psychological pain often results from attempts at pain avoidance. Therefore, exploring clients' avoidance habits may yield important insights.

心里的痛苦通常源于对痛苦的回避。因此,探究患者的回避习惯,可能会带来重要的发现。


In one recent interview, a journalist asked me about a-ha moments in therapy—those instances in which the client gains new insight about their difficulties and themselves.

在最近的一次采访中,一位记者问到了关于心理治疗中的“啊哈”时刻,即,客户对他们的问题和自身获得新洞察结果的顿悟时刻。

I noted that counter to popular beliefs and movie depictions, a-ha moments are not necessary for progress in therapy. Often, clients know full well what the source of their trouble is and how to fix it; people who ask for advice are rarely clueless about what needs to be done. What they lack is self-confidence, support, and guidance in acting on their knowledge. This is one reason why psychologists often answer a client’s “What should I do?” with "What do you think you should do?”

我的回答中提到,与人们普遍认知和电影描述相反,心理治疗中,要获得进展,并非一定需要这种“啊哈时刻”。通常,客户完全知道他们的问题来源在哪儿,也知道如何解决;寻求建议的人很少不知道需要做什么。但他们缺乏的是自信、支持和采取行动。这也是为什么心理学家通常用“你认为你应该做什么”来回答患者的“我该做什么”的原因之一。

Additionally, when a-ha moments do happen, they mark not the end of the recovery process, but its beginning. In other words, while popular entertainment—and the classic Freudian narrative— depict insight and catharsis as the culmination of the therapeutic journey, in real life this is generally not the case. To yield real change, moments of insight must be followed by arduous work to change old, ingrained habits and establish new, healthy ones. Becoming aware of the solution to your problem does not in itself solve the problem. The solution must be implemented.

另外,当“啊哈时刻”的确发生时,它们并不意味着恢复过程的结束,而是开始。换言之,尽管大众娱乐——和经典的弗洛伊德式说法——将洞察与宣泄是治疗之旅的终点,但在实际生活中却并非如此。想要获得真正的改变,在获得洞察后,需要付出艰辛的努力去改变根深蒂固的习惯、建立健康新习惯。只是知道问题的解决方案,这并能够解决问题。解决方案,必须要得以实施才可以。

Moreover, a-ha experiences often emerge not at once or fully formed but slowly, piecemeal and over time, resembling less the flipping of a switch and more the slow turn of a dial. In other words, a-ha moments are not always moments. New insights sometimes dawn slowly over the course of therapy, as clients gradually recognize, sometimes in retrospect, subtle changes that had occurred over time.

另外,啊哈体验通常并非突然、完全发生,而是缓慢、一点点地、逐步发生的,并不像是按动开关,而更像是缓慢转动一个刻度盘。换言之,“啊哈时刻”并非总是一个个时间节点。新的洞察是心理治疗中随着患者逐渐认识到(有时是在回顾时认识到)随着时间推移已经发生的微妙改变,而缓慢被领悟到的。

To wit: Reflecting on her office behavior over the past few months, a client gradually notices that she is becoming more assertive and hence more effective. That realization leads to another: that her previous beliefs that she’d be rejected if she asserted herself are in effect being refuted, and can be discarded and replaced by more accurate and constructive self-talk.

这里是一个具体案例。在回顾过去几个月她在办公室的行为时,一位患者逐渐注意到她正变的越来越坚定个人立场,因此行为也更具有效性。这一发现也带来了另一个发现:之前她认为如果她坚定个人意见,就会被排斥,但现在她发现这一理念实际上并不正确,可以被抛却,可以代之以更准确和有益的自我谈话内容。

The journalist then asked me what kind of questions tend to elicit a-ha moments or experiences in therapy. I replied that there’s no formula. Any moment—even a moment of silent contemplation--has the potential to yield discovery, regardless of the specific nature of a given question or whether a question had even been posed. Each client's journey is different, and generalizations are risky.

这位记者之后问我在心理咨询中什么样的问题更容易引发“啊哈时刻”和体验。我回答说并没有既定的公式。任何时刻——即使是沉默思考的时刻,都有可能会带来发现,无论被问到的问题是什么性质,或者有没有被问问题。每一位患者的咨询过程都是不同的。一概而论,是危险的。

Moreover, different schools of therapy may rely on different types of questions. For example, cognitive psychologists often use the "So what?" question to probe a client's irrational, catastrophic beliefs (client: "I'm afraid people will dislike my presentation." Therapist: "Let's assume they do: so what?"). The "questioning process" employed by reality therapists poses a set of useful questions: "What do you want? What are you doing (to get what you want)? Is it working? If not, what else can you do?" Solution-focused therapists often use the so-called Miracle question: "If a miracle happened tonight and the problem was solved, what would be the first thing you’d notice that would indicate that a miracle had occurred?” Exception questions, such as "When do you not have the problem?" and "What do you do that is different then?”) are also used in this tradition to identify the client's strengths and coping resources.

另外,不同心理咨询流派可能会采用不同类型的问题。

比如,认知心理医师通常会使用

那会怎样?”

来探究患者一些不理性、灾难化的理念。

(患者:我害怕他们会不喜欢我的演讲展示。咨询师:假设他们的确不喜欢,那会怎样?)。

现实疗法心理咨询师则会采用一系列有用的问题:

你想要什么?”“(为了得到你想要的,)你现在在做什么努力?”

你的努力奏效了吗?”

如果没奏效,其他还有什么方法?”

而解决方案聚焦型咨询师则通常采用所谓的“奇迹问题”,即,

如果今晚有奇迹发生,这一问题得以解决,那么你首先会注意到这一问题已经被解决的迹象是什么呢

另外还会用到“例外问题”来找出患者的优势和应对资源,比如:

什么时候你不受这一问题的困扰呢这种时候你的行为跟现在有何不同吗?”

Yet if pressed, I said, I’d suggest that clarifying moments in therapy often happen when we focus on the client’s avoidance habits. Experiential avoidance (EA) may be broadly defined as an “unwillingness to remain in contact with distressing thoughts, feelings, memories, and other private experiences.” In other words, it is an attempt to avoid distress. Recent research and theorizing in psychology have increasingly pointed to the fact that such avoidance is a central feature in many different psychological disorders: Phobias involve avoiding certain places or objects; panic disorder involves avoiding the fear sensations in the body; OCD rituals constitute avoidance of the discomfort brought about by disturbing obsessive thoughts; PTSD involves avoidance of experiences that trigger terrifying traumatic memories; depression involves avoiding attempts to find rewards in an environment that had previously proven non-responsive (aka "learned helplessness"); substance abuse involves an attempt to numb distress, guilt, shame, or physical pain, etc.

我说,但如果你还要继续问,那么我会说在心理咨询过程中的顿悟时刻通常发生在当我们聚焦于患者的回避习惯时。体验回避(EA)可能通常被宽泛定义为“不愿意与痛苦念头、感受、回忆和其他个人体验保持接触。”换言之,这是一种试图回避痛苦的行为。心理学领域最近的研究和理论都逐渐指向这一事实:这种回避是很多不同心理障碍的一个核心特征:各种恐惧障碍都包含回避特定的地点或物体;恐慌障碍包含回避身体的恐惧感;强迫障碍行为是回避因特定具有困扰性的偏执念头而带来的不适感;PTSD则包含回避因创伤经历而触发的体验;抑郁,包含不愿意在之前被证明对他们无回应(漠不关心)的环境中寻找对自己有益之处(即,习得性无助)。物质滥用,则包含试图麻痹痛苦、内疚、羞耻和生理疼痛等感受。

In all these cases, the avoidance habit, presenting itself as an effective short-term solution, proves ineffective and destructive in the long run to the individual’s health and functioning. Psychological distress, in other words, is caused by misguided attempts to avoid psychological distress.

在上述所有情形中,回避习惯看起来像是一种有效的短期解决方案,但长期而言对个体健康和正常机能却无效甚至有害。换言之,心理痛苦(困扰),是由试图回避心理痛苦的错误方法而导致的。

The mechanisms underlying this process hinge on the fact that avoidance is a short-term solution offering immediate relief. Life, however, is long-term, and short-term fixes tend to collapse over time. Specifically, avoidance prevents the development of coping skills and hinders learning and problem solving, since all avoidance teaches you is how to avoid more. It also tends to generalize over time: The more you avoid tolerating discomfort, the more difficult tolerating discomfort becomes.

这一过程的底部机制基于这样一个事实:回避,是提供即时慰藉的短期解决方案。但生活是一个长期的过程,短期的解决办法通常会随着时间推移而失效。具体来说,回避,阻碍了人们培养应对技巧,阻碍了人们学习和解决问题。因为所有的回避都是在教你如何回避更多问题。这通常也会逐渐蔓延:越回避忍受不适感,不适感就变得越难以忍受。

By way of analogy, a habit of avoidance is akin to substance addiction. At first, taking a drink alleviates (lets you avoid) your distress. But over time, drinking becomes your main source of distress.

用比喻来说,回避习惯,就像是物质滥用。最开始,小酌一杯可以缓解(让你回避)痛苦。但逐渐,酗酒成为了你的痛苦的主要来源。

This idea, that avoiding pain now leads to more pain later, is not new. Freudian psychoanalysts note how defense mechanisms, designed to reduce the distress of anxiety, also distort our perceptions of reality; Gestalt theory cites the problem of “contact avoidance,” or an inability to remain aware in the living moment, as the source of psychological suffering; behaviorists have studied how avoidance prevents new learning, and hence behavior change; cognitive theorists have noted how avoidance perpetuates cognitive distortions through the failure to note and consider disconfirming evidence.

回避痛苦会在之后带来更多痛苦,这并非什么新理念。佛洛依德流派心理分析学家们提到了防御机制(人们用防御机制来减少自己的痛苦焦虑感)也会如何扭曲我们对现实的认知;格式塔理论也提及,“接触回避”(无法在当前所处时刻保持清晰觉察状态。这里的接触是指与周围其他人和环境的连接、互动),是心理痛苦的来源。行为主义流派研究了回避如何阻碍学习新事物,从而阻碍行为的改变。认知理论流派则提到了,回避是如何因让人无法注意到并思考反面证据而延续了各种扭曲认知。

Evidence of the destructive power of avoidance can be found in the literature attesting to the therapeutic power of its opposite: exposure. Research has shown that facing one’s fears and processing difficult emotions lead to improved mental health, facilitating the acquisition of coping skills and a sense of psychological empowerment, and refuting inaccurate beliefs. In fact, as I have argued here before, exposure work, which involves in effect countering avoidance, is the most potent weapon in any therapist’s arsenal, and all therapy is in part exposure therapy. Therapy works when the client learns to face, manage, tolerate or change what they had previously learned to avoid.

关于回避的摧毁力量,其证据可以见诸一些证明其相反行为的疗愈功效的文献。回避的相反行为,是:面对。研究显示,面对自身恐惧、处理棘手情绪,会提升精神健康,促进应对机能的习得,促发一种心理赋能感,并能够驳斥一些并不客观的信念。实际上,正如我之前所说,暴露疗法是任何心理咨询师的最有力武器,而且所有疗法实际上都在一定程度上是暴露疗法。暴露疗法实质上就包含了应对“回避”。当患者学着去面对、管理、忍受或改变他们之前会回避的东西时,疗法才会奏效。

A complication here is that avoidance often does not appear as such but operates under various guises. In fact, avoidance often masquerades as action. People often will continue performing a destructive habit because they fear that not doing so will result in greater destruction. A client continues to speak nonstop to avoid the self-reflection offered by silence—which they find scary. A client's continuous labor at people-pleasing is an attempt to avoid the distress of potential rejection, which they perceive as unbearable. People with chronic worry often fret incessantly about impending catastrophes, believing that such worry constitutes action when in fact, such worry hinders their ability to take problem-solving action. Worrying is avoidance masquerading as action.

但这里有个复杂因素是,回避通常并不那么明显,而是戴着各种伪装。实际上,回避,通常会伪装成“行动”。人们通常会继续采取某种具有破坏力的习惯,因为他们害怕如果不这样做,会带来更大的破坏。患者继续无休止地滔滔不绝,用来回避沉默可能带来的自我反思——这对他们而言是可怕的。患者继续努力取悦他人,是用来回避潜在的被拒绝所带来的痛苦,这对他们而言是难以忍受的。始终处于担忧状态的人通常总是在担心即将发生的灾难,觉得这种担忧也是一种行动措施,而实际上,这种担忧只是阻碍了他们采取行动解决问题。担忧,是伪装成“行动”的回避行为。

The cunning of avoidance is one reason why many clients are unaware that their pain is being caused by their attempts to avoid pain. Thus, the questions that are most likely to facilitate the a-ha process in therapy will often aim to illuminate this truth. Once we identify the destructive, painful, or ineffective behavior pattern the client wants to change, the most useful question is some version of: “What does this current behavior allow you to avoid?”

很多客户并不知道他们目前的痛苦正是源于他们对痛苦的回避,其中原因之一,正是回避的这种狡猾性。因此,在心理治疗中最可能催生“啊哈时刻”的问题通常致力于揭露这一真相。一旦我们找到了患者想要改变的这种具有破坏力的、痛苦的或无效的行为模式,那么最有效的问题都会类似于:你当前的行为让你能够回避什么?

In discovering what a dysfunctional habit lets us avoid, we discover what we need to face in order to heal.

找出了我们通过某种不良习惯而回避的内容,我们就找出了为了让我们痊愈而需要面对的问题。

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作者介绍
张寅冰

“前段时间有位妈妈向我抱怨,她说自己上一年级的孩子最近不知道怎么了,总是控制不好自己的情绪,前几天甚至因为老师惩罚他不给他糖果而大发雷霆,在课堂上直接把笔袋狠狠地摔到了地上,把同学和老师都吓了一跳。她很担心自己的孩子在调节自己情绪方面的能力不足,所以想问问我该怎么办。”

在解决问题之前,我们先来了解一下,什么是情绪调节


情绪调节是什么

情绪调节(emotion regulation)是指个体管理和改变自己或他人情绪的过程,Thompson把其定义为情绪产生和持续的过程以及对内部情感状态的发生、强度、持续时间的调节,以及和情绪有关的生理过程。

情绪调节是人类适应社会生活的关键机制,也是个体社会性发展的重要方面(蒋长好&石长地, 2009)。

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有学者将将情绪调节分为三种类型,分别为情绪的调节和控制、和情绪有关的行为的调节和控制、对引发情绪的情境的调节和控制(李佳&苏彦捷, 2004)。

1) 情绪的调节和控制有情绪调节策略、认知重建等。比如狐狸吃不到葡萄不开心,于是安慰自己说葡萄是酸的,吃不到也没什么,这就是改变了自己的认知。

2)和情绪有关的行为的调节和控制情绪的表达等。比如孩子被父母批评了不开心,于是和自己的朋友吐槽,表达自己的委屈不满。

3)对引发情绪的情境的调节和控制有计划、指导问题解决等。比如有些人在密闭的空间里会感到非常恐惧,于是ta会把自己经常待的地方都设计成开阔的场地。

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儿童的情绪调节能力与他们对刺激的社会认知,以及自己和他人心理状态、情绪反应的理解或推测能力有关(李佳&苏彦捷, 2004)。

儿童早期情绪调节能力与学业水平有密切关联,也可对以后社会适应和人格发展有着一定的预测作用(蒋长好 & 石长地, 2009)。

情绪调节会随着年龄的增长而发展,那么儿童情绪调节有什么样的发展特点呢


儿童情绪调节的发展特点

儿童的情绪调节方式随着年龄的增长越来越丰富,情绪调节能力也越来越强。

1)独立性日益增强
从出生开始,儿童就开始学习如何进行情绪调节,并逐渐从依赖他人到依靠自己的内部资源

在出生后半年内,儿童情绪调节是依赖他人的,主要是依赖照料者的指导。比如婴儿哭泣时,父母用喂食、玩玩具等方式来减轻ta的痛苦。

在出生后第二年,儿童在成人指导下进行自我调节,随着年龄增长,儿童自我控制不断增强,直到学龄前期(满3岁后至7岁前)

在这个时期的儿童,已经具有了自我调节的能力,比如幼儿园中和小朋友一起玩耍,没有抢到自己喜欢的玩具,小孩子会哭泣,但过一会儿会自己恢复正常,继续玩。

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2)随意性不断发展

随意指的是跟随自己的意愿。有研究表明,儿童情绪调节的随意性的发展与大脑成熟度密切相关。儿童情绪调节的随意性体现在根据情境选择情绪调节策略。

比如有些孩子会向父母倾诉自己受的委屈,但有些孩子会和朋友倾诉。随着年龄的增长,儿童会根据社会期望来选择自己的情绪调节方式,比如通过寻求支持来减轻悲伤,但如果是羞愧,那么最好的方式是解决问题等。

3)复杂性逐渐增加

从婴儿早期通过咬手指等身体活动来减轻情绪压力,到采用控制视觉的方法进行调节,之后采用回避的方式,婴儿的情绪调节方式不断变得复杂

到幼儿时期,儿童开始从认知方面进行调节,从不同角度看待压力源,会使用分散注意力的策略,使用更多积极的方式来应对。

什么影响儿童情绪调节作为父母,我们可以做些什么呢


父母对儿童情绪调节的影响

亲子互动和依恋通过三个方面影响孩子的情绪调节:对孩子情绪反应的关注、与孩子的情绪谈话、对孩子情绪表达的态度。

1)父母需要对孩子发出的情绪信号做出及时的反应,这对孩子情绪调节能力的发展有很大的正面影响

如果亲子互动中,父母对孩子情绪反应积极,经常和孩子进行感情交流,能够孩子能够意识到自身情绪,并提高情绪调节能力,那么孩子在压力情境下情绪崩溃的可能性更低;反之,如果父母冷漠对待,那么孩子的积极情绪反应也会更少

2)父母需要通过亲子间的情绪谈话教会孩子如何处理日常情绪事件、提高对不同情绪的理解力。在这样的谈话中,父母告诉孩子自己对情绪事件的评价,向孩子演示具体的情绪调节策略。

比如孩子被老师误解了,受到了批评,心里既委屈又生气,这时父母可以倾听孩子的诉苦,安慰孩子并告诉ta老师为什么会这样做、孩子自己为什么会有这样的感觉等,告诉孩子下次遇到同样的状况要怎么做。

3)父母要注意不要让孩子过度隐藏或压抑自己的情绪。研究表明,对情绪表达的控制过于严格会导致孩子隐藏自己的消极情绪,表现出较低的情绪调节能力。

除了亲子互动之外,亲子依恋也会影响儿童的情绪调节。亲子依恋被分为安全型、回避型和矛盾型三种类型,其中安全依恋型的儿童有更多积极情绪、更多应对策略,所以有更好的情绪调节。

随着孩子年龄的增长,情绪调节能力也会不断增强,除了神经发育的影响外,父母本身的情绪以及与孩子的互动也起着重要作用

您有过安慰孩子的苦恼或有关方面的成功经历吗?欢迎在留言区和我们分享~


参考文献
蒋长好 & 石长地. (2009). 儿童情绪调节的发展及其影响因素. 首都师范大学学报:社会科学版, 4, 129–133.
李佳 & 苏彦捷. (2004). 儿童心理理论能力中的情绪理解. 心理科学进展, 12(1), 37–44.

策 划:安 伟
撰 稿:张寅冰
编 辑:李宇昕
美 编:何文宣

五色令人目盲,五音令人耳聋,五味令人口爽,驰骋畋猎令人心发狂,难得之货令人行妨。是以圣人为腹不为目。故去彼取此。——《道德经》
  • There are psychological reasons for overspending while treating ourselves.

犒劳自己时过度消费,是有心理原因的。

  • When people are sad, they are willing to pay up to 30 percent more for a product.

当人悲伤时,为一件商品愿意支付的价格,比平时多出高达30%。

  • We often look outside ourselves to find something to make us feel better.

我们通常在身外之物中寻找让自己感觉更好一些的东西。

Are you having a bad day? Treat yourself. Are you feeling sad? Treat yourself. Are you having a good day? Treat yourself.

Why do so many of us indulge in lavish splurges that we later regret? As good as it feels to acknowledge that we deserve something special, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to go about it.

你今天是不是过得不开心,犒劳一下自己,你现在是不是感到悲伤?犒劳一下自己,你今天是不是过得很顺利?犒劳一下自己。为什么我们总是会沉溺于这种之后会后悔的大手大脚的消费中呢?尽管认可自己值得得到一些特别的东西,这种感觉很美好,但是在这方面也有健康和不健康两种方式。

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The Psychology Behind “Treat Yourself”
“犒劳自己”背后的心理学

There are psychological reasons for overspending while treating ourselves. It has to do with power and control. Going shopping puts you back in the driver’s seat when something happens beyond your control.

犒劳自己时会花费过度,这是有心理学原因的。这与力量和控制感相关。当有超出你掌控范围的事情发生时,购物,能够让你感受到主动权

Research also shows it can help with feelings of sadness. Sadness is associated with feeling helpless—not being able to control what is happening around us. A Journal of Consumer Psychology study found not only that shopping makes people immediately happier but also that making purchase decisions reduces lingering sadness. The study showed that the act of making shopping-related choices, which included rejecting what they didn’t like, made people happy.

调查还显示,购物还可以有效应对悲伤感受。悲伤与无助感相关,即,无法控制周围发生的事情。《消费者心理学期刊》开展的一项研究发现,购物不仅可以让人立即更开心,而且制定购买决策还可以减少长期悲伤感。研究显示,在购物选择时,其中包括拒绝你不喜欢的东西,这会让人感到开心

In a study published in Psychological Science, researchers found that when people were sad, they were willing to pay up to 30 percent more for a product than if they were in a neutral mood. That’s called the “misery is not miserly” effect.

在《心理科学》杂志发表的一项研究中,研究人员发现当人们悲伤时,相对于中性情绪下,他们会愿意为一件产品支付多出高达30%的价格。这被称为“痛苦慷慨”(非正式译文名称)效应。


Self-Care Is Not Selfish
自我关爱不等于自私

There are more psychological reasons behind why treating yourself feels so good. It involves self-worth, self-love, and self-care. Unfortunately, many of us associate self-care with pampering or treating ourselves in a way that involves spending money, such as a shopping spree, spa trip, vacation, or dining out. However, in my book The Financial Mindset Fix: A Mental Fitness Program for an Abundant Life, I share how proper self-care involves cultivating the following practices:

关于为什么犒劳自己会让人感觉如此好,这就牵扯到自我价值、自我喜爱和自我关爱等原因了。不幸的是,我们很多人都将自我关爱等同于花钱宠溺、犒劳自己,比如疯狂购物、spa、度假或餐厅吃饭等。但在我的书《金融思维修复:帮你获得充裕人生的思维健康课程》中,我提到了正确的自我关怀,包含培养以下活动:

  • Psychological: Self-compassion, self-affirmation, self-forgiveness, and growth and learning
  • Physical: Nutrition, hydration, exercise, sleep, health care, and moderation of substance use
  • Lifestyle: Time management, work-life balance, leisure/hobbies, solitude/reflection, unplugging from technology, connecting with nature, and a positive home environment

心理层面:自我同情、自我肯定、自我原谅、成长和学习;

生理层面:营养、补水、锻炼、睡眠、医疗健康、不滥用药物;

生活方式方面:时间管理、工作-生活平衡、休闲/兴趣;独处/自省;离开科技产品;接触自然、积极的家庭环境。

In our consumer-based and materialistic culture, we often look outside ourselves to find something to make us feel better. That could be food, drugs or alcohol, relationships, or material possessions. However, the best way to provide the most meaningful self-care is to improve our relationship with ourselves and treat ourselves with more loving kindness. True self-worth stems from a deeper connection to our highest and best selves, not possessions.

在我们以消费者为基础的物质主义文化中,我们通常会着眼于我们身外之物,期望找到让我们感觉好一些的东西。可能是食物、毒品或酒精、感情或拥有某些物质等。但最有意义的自我关爱,却是改善我们与自己的关系、以更多的善意和关爱来对待自己。真正的自我价值源自与最好的自己之间的更深层连接,而非拥有多少物质


How to Treat Yourself Within Your Means
如何在自己能力范围内犒劳自己

The following tips show you how to manage spending habits when you’re splurging or treating yourself:

以下是当你想大肆消费或犒劳自己时如何控制消费习惯的一些方法:

Use the 50-30-20 rule
采用50-30-20原则

Track and divide expenses into needs, wants, and savings or debt. It’s a simple way to see where your money is going. Allocate 50 percent of your income to rent, bills, and groceries. Take 30 percent for more frivolous items like dining out or buying wants, not needs. The other 20 percent goes to your savings or debt.

将支出划分为需求、欲求和储蓄/债务。这样就可以轻松看到钱的流向。将收入的50%用于房租/账单和日常购物。将收入的30%用于稍微不那么必须的事物,比如外出就餐或满足非必要欲求等。将另外20%用于储蓄或债务。

Splurge intentionally
有目的地挥霍

Don’t splurge on everything. Instead, splurge on certain aspects of your life. For example, you can make sacrifices like driving an older vehicle that’s paid off to compensate for splurges like going on vacation or going out to concerts.

不要在任何事物上都大肆挥霍。而是选择特定方面。比如,可以做出一些牺牲,开一辆已付完全款的较旧的车子,用来补偿度假或去音乐会等开支。

Take a good look at what you’ve got
盘点自己拥有的物品

You can sell what you don’t use or wear anymore online or at a consignment store. Return items you’ve purchased that gave you a thrill when you bought them but now have lost their luster. Look at your monthly bills to find areas where you could cut back.

可以在网上或寄售店卖掉闲置物品。退掉那些在你购买时让你振奋但现在已经不那么具有吸引力的物品。看一下每月账单,找出能缩减开支的地方。

Shift to a mindset of self-care, balance, and holistic wellness
转变到自我关怀,平衡和整体健康(身体、心理、精神的全面健康)思维

Many men are raised and socialized with a “work hard, play hard” mindset that can lead to clinical burnout and other mental, physical, and relational health problems. Excessive drinking, late nights out, and calorie-laden meals can be self-harm disguised as self-care. Shift this mindset to one of true self-care, moderation, and work-life balance. When men (and women) take time to replenish their minds, bodies, and spirits with healthy self-care practices, they are practicing true self-care that can lead to better mental and physical health and better work performance which improves financial health.

很多男性在成长和社会中形成了“努力工作,努力玩乐”心态,这可能会导致职业倦怠病症(燃尽/心神俱疲)和其他精神,生理和关系健康问题。过度饮酒,经常夜里在外面玩到很晚,高热量食物,都是伪装成自我关怀的自我戕害。将这种心态转变为一种真正自我关爱,适度和工作生活平衡的心态。当男性/女性花时间去用健康自我关爱活动来修复自己的思维,身体和精神时,这种自我关爱就能够提升他们的精神和生理健康,提升工作表现,从而改善他们的经济情形。

Redefine success
重新定义成功

Some people think success is about career and financial achievement alone. I recommend a holistic definition of success that includes positive mental and physical health, connected relationships, and work-life balance.

一些人认为成功是关于职业和经济成就的。我推荐人们采用一种全面的成功定义,纳入积极心理和生理健康,健康人际关系和工作/生活平衡等因素。

Be mindful
保持正念(专注于当前/现在)

Mindfulness can help clarify values and recognize what is meaningful, thereby reducing impulsive financial behavior, such as charging frivolous items on credit. Mindfulness practices provide a reboot for the mind, body, and spirit. Besides that, there are many mental health, physical health, and work benefits. That includes higher productivity, fewer errors, creative thinking, improved problem-solving and collaboration, higher emotional intelligence, and improved work-life balance.

正念,可以理清人的价值观,让人认识到真正富有意义的事物,从而减少冲动经济行为,比如信用卡购买一些非必要物品等。正念练习活动,可以重启大脑/身体和精神。除此之外,在精神健康/生理健康和工作方面都存在益处。其中包括工作效率提升,错误减少,提升思维创造力,提升问题解决能力和合作关系,提升情商,改善工作生活平衡状态。

Save your money
养成储蓄习惯

There are psychological perks to saving your money. It can also be therapeutic if you save for that reward rather than buying something immediately with a credit card. Saving up for your reward gives you something to look forward to, which creates excitement and dopamine release over time.

存钱对人心理健康有益。如果存钱购买某样奖励,而非冲动信用卡消费,那么这可能会有疗愈性。不断存钱购买某项奖励,给你一种期望目标,这会不断创造兴奋感,不断让你释放多巴胺。


Summing Up
总结

When you care about yourself and practice good financial self-care, you make sure there is a healthy balance between saving and spending, you treat yourself within your means, and you financially plan to take good care of your future self.

当你在乎自己,从经济层面上关爱自己时,需要在收支之间找到健康的平衡,在自己能力范围内犒劳自己,制定对自身未来有益的经济方案。

Coco有话说

在人们的生活经验中,既有富人“为富不仁”,也有穷人“古道热肠”;既有“达则兼济天下”,也有“穷山恶水出刁民”。确实,生活环境与成长经历塑造着人们的心理与行为。

最近,韩国电影《寄生虫》再次引发了人们对社会阶层的分化与对立的思考。那句“如果我有钱,我也会很善良”更是刺痛了人们的神经,衣食无忧的富人会比穷人更加善良吗?日夜为生存所困的穷人会比富人更自私吗?

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寄生虫电影台词截图


社会阶层的社会认知理论(Social cognitive perspective on social class)强调,低社会阶层者由于拥有较少的物质资源,面临更多威胁,体验到更多的受限制和不确定性,他们为了维持生存,就需要互帮互助,与他人和群体建立更多的社会联结。这种社会适应过程和生活经验,使得低阶层者在与他人的关系中定义自我,促使他们要能更准确地知觉他人的情绪状态和需要,表现出更多的亲社会行为。而高社会阶层者由于拥有丰富的资源,可以相对独立,体验到更高的自主性和控制感。这种社会适应过程和生活经验,使得他们通过自己的个人目标和独特性来定义自我,促使他们更关注自我而忽视他人的状态,也使他们有更高的心理特权感,以及更加贪婪和冷漠

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但是,亲社会行为的资源和代价理论(Resource and cost theory of prosocial behavior)强调,帮助他人需要消耗资源,低阶层者受到有限资源的限制,付出亲社会行为的代价就更高,因而更不可能做出亲社会行为;而高阶层者因为资源更多,就会更有能力和可能做出亲社会行为。

上述两种理论各有道理,也都得到了一些实证研究的支持。但是,亲社会行为绝不是单一因素就可以决定的,而受到微观人格特质(比如有的人比较热心肠)、中观社会互动情境(有的人可能因为害羞而不会在公开场合帮助他人)、以及宏观社会经济与文化(社会制度的公平和主张“人人为我,我为人人”的价值观念)等不同水平的多种因素的共同影响。只单纯考虑任何一个因素都是有失偏颇的,尤其是以社会阶层作为衡量人们亲社会与否的标尺,是很不负责任的。这样做不仅会加大不同社会阶层群体之间的矛盾,还会使不同社会阶层群体蒙受污名。

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事实上,虽然低阶层者在生活中有更多的互帮互助行为,但他们也常会体验较高水平的相对剥夺感,剥夺感会激发人的愤恨和不公平感,进而抑制亲社会行为,甚至在极端条件下引发攻击行为

其次,低阶层者通常更重视与他人建立良好的社会关系,其亲社会行为更多源于关注他人的需要,所以在匿名情境下,他们比高阶层者更倾向于助人;而高阶层者通常会在意凸显自我独特性,重视获得社会地位和影响力,所以,其亲社会行为更多源于名声关注的动机,在能带来名声收益的公开情境中往往会更乐于助人。

另外,东方的集体主义文化与西方的个体主义文化对责任和助人也有不同的要求与期望,这也会影响高低阶层者的亲社会行为,比如集体主义文化下的高阶层者往往有更高的社会责任感和更多的助人行为。

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总之,个体之间的差异有时比群体之间的差异更大,而且微观、中观、宏观因素都制约着人们的行为。故此,我们不能简单化地认为高阶层者更亲社会或低阶层者更亲社会,而应该基于多种因素影响亲社会行为的视角,客观评价不同社会阶层者的亲社会性,避免对不同的社会阶层群体产生消极的刻板印象


该研究第一作者苑明亮、第二作者李文岐均为北京师范大学心理学部在读博士生。

原文链接:

苑明亮, 李文岐, 寇彧*. (2019). 社会阶层如何影响个体的亲社会行为?机制与相关因素的探讨. 北京师范大学学报(社会科学版), 5, 37-46.

推文作者:苑明亮
插图:郭震
编辑:林靓
排版:董艺佳