While lending others a helping hand is typically a good thing, for those with savior complex, it becomes an unhealthy means of coping or validation.

尽管向他人伸出援手通常是好事，但对于患有救世主情结的人而言，这种行为通常是一种不健康的应对机制或寻求认可的方式。

Savior complex occurs when individuals feel good about themselves only when helping someone, believe their job or purpose is to help those around them, and sacrifice their own interests and well-being in the effort to aid another.

救世主情结是指：一个人只有在帮助别人时才会自我感觉良好，并认为他们的使命就是帮助周围的人，而且会牺牲自身利益和幸福去试图帮助他人。

Although this knight in shining armor, straight-out-of-a-fairy-tale behavior might sound too good to be true, it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism that can do more harm than good.

尽管这种身着闪亮铠甲，宛若童话般的骑士听起来可能美好得不大可能，但实际上这是一种弊大于利的不健康应对机制。

People with savior complex try to feel in control by fixing the lives of others — often in order to distract themselves from their own anxiety or powerlessness. Helping others also induces a sense of validation in such people, helping them feel better about their own lives — resulting in an obsessive need to fix in order to maintain this good feeling.

救世主情结者通过挽救别人人生的方式来试图寻找到控制感，他们这种行为通常是为了将自己的注意力从自身的焦虑和无助感上转移开。帮助他人同时也会给助人者带来一种认可感，让他们对自己人生的自我感觉更好，这就导致他们为了维持这种良好的自我感觉，而陷入一种“想要救助他人”的偏执需求中。

If you’re genuinely trying to help others, you may want to pay attention to overdoing it. Even the kindest actions can be harmful to mental and physical health. If you’re helping because you feel superior or are craving power, or if your actions harm others, it can be a sign to get help. In some cases, a person with a messiah complex may treat others poorly and demand obedience. Some people with a savior complex have messianic delusions and actually think they are a savior as taught in the Bible.

如果你真心想要帮助他人，那么应注意不要过火。即使最善义的行为也可能会对精神和生理健康有害。如果你是因为想要优越感或渴望权力而帮助他人，或者你的行为伤害到了他人，那么这些都是你需要寻求帮助的征兆。有时，救世主情结者可能会恶劣对待他人，并要求别人顺从自己。一些救世主情结者甚至还会产生错觉，真的觉得就是圣经中所说的真正救世主。

If your good intentions go off the rails -- whether you mean for them to or not -- that’s known as pathological altruism. It can be a result of having a savior complex.

Predispositions to the savior complex can sometimes be traced back to dysfunctional family dynamics in childhood — resulting in the unhealthy coping mechanism that continues into adulthood.

如果你的善意并未善终，无论这是否是你本意，这种情况被称为“病理性利他主义”。这就可能是救世主情结的后果之一。一些人易产生救世主情结，其原因有时可能追溯到童年时期功能失调（不正常）的家庭关系，这类家庭关系导致了延续至成年期的不健康应对机制。

People with savior complex often believe they are somehow better than others because they help people all the time, leading to feelings of being morally superior. In addition, experts note that savior complex can induce feelings of omnipotence, making people who experience it prone to believing no one else can save others they way they can.

救世主情结者通常认为他们在某种意义上要优于别人，因为他们总是在帮助他人，因此他们产生一种道德优越感。另外，专家还提出，救世主情结会催生一种无所不能感，让患者易于认为在救助他人方面，自己无人能敌。

One of the most famous examples of a dangerous leader with a savior complex was Adolf Hitler. He viewed himself as the savior of the entire nation of Germany, and believed that it was his responsibility to save them from the scourge of undesirable people attempting to challenge German dominance. Tragically, much of Germany fell in line behind this self-declared savior, and the horrors of World War II and the Holocaust followed.

患有救世主情结的危险领导者的最著名例子之一，就是希特勒。他将自己视为整个德国的救世主，并认为挽救德国，使德国免遭试图挑战德国人主导地位的不良种族的祸害。悲惨的是，德国大部分地区都选择了追随这一自封的救世主，接踵而至的，便是恐怖的二次大战和种族屠杀。

Because people with savior complex tend to “seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs,” they are often “identified as ‘nice guys,’ but the truth is emotionally healthy [people] will never have a compelling need to seek that kind of validation. That itself should be an alerting sign,” notes Sara Benson, PsyD, a psychologist.

因为患有救世主情结之人常常会“搜寻迫切需要帮助之人，并向他们提供帮助，而且通常会牺牲个人需求，“他们通常会被视为“好人”。但事实上，情绪健康人群从来都不会具有寻求这种认可的强迫型需求。这种对认可的强迫需求本身就应该是一个警报信号。心理学家与心理学博士Sara Benson表示。

These personality characteristics are often driven by a sense of nobility, that such selfless behavior is the “right thing to do”. This can gradually evolve into feelings of superiority towards those they are helping, and the line between being generous and being patronizing becomes blurred. Becoming overly emotionally or financially invested in “tragic cases” can result in a pattern, a dangerous cycle where temporary improvements are seen as “victories”, but the individuals receiving help fail to develop their own tools for self-help and self-motivation.

这些性格特点的驱动因素通常是一种高尚感，即，感到这种无私行为是“正确的事”。这会逐渐演变为对受助者的优越感，而且慷慨与施舍之间的界限会逐渐变得模糊。从情感或经济上过度投入于这些“悲惨人物”会导致一种行为模式、一种危险的循环，即，短暂的改善被视为“胜利”，但受助者却未能培养出自助、自我驱动的工具。

Behavioral experts agree that “helping” does indeed have the potential to become an addiction. When we help others, our brains emit three chemicals, often referred to as the happiness trifecta:

行为专家也认为帮助他人的确会可能具有成瘾性。当我们帮助他人时，我们大脑会释放三种化学物质，它们通常被称为幸福三宝。

Serotonin (produces intense feelings of wellbeing)
血清素（产生强烈幸福感）

Dopamine (intensifies motivation)
多巴胺（强化自驱性）

Oxytocin (increases a sense of connection to others)
催产素（提升与他人的连接感）

The “feel good” outcome of this combination naturally makes us want to repeat it. But when our need to help becomes so insatiable that our sense of purpose is tied directly to others, specifically, them needing our guidance, it is no longer other people that we are helping. It is ourselves.

这一组合的良好感觉效果自然而然就会让我们想要再来一次。但当我们想要帮助他人的需求变得是如此难以被满足，以至于我们的目标感与他人直接捆绑在一起，具体而言，与别人对我们指导的需求而绑定在一起，那么我们帮助的就不再是别人，而是自己。

Psychologists refer to this particular problem as agency addiction. It is defined as a need to rescue others through helping — with our advice, coaching, or ideas — in order to bolster our feelings of self-importance. Whereas those with a healthy sense of agency are just as gratified by helping others succeed as they are seeing them succeed on their own.

心理学家将这种特定问题称为主观能动性成瘾症。其定义是，需要通过帮助他人（以提建议、指导或想法的形式等）来拯救他人，目的是为了提振我们的自我重要感。而拥有健康主观能动性的人无论是帮助别人成功，或者看到别人自己获得成功，所获得的满足感都是一样的。

This problem often arises in personal relationships, in which a person perpetually seeks out those who “need” help, such as those struggling with addiction, poverty, or mental health troubles. This desire to “fix” or “change” someone who has a perceived problem can turn them into a project or a patient, rather than a lover or partner. It has also been observed that white teachers who work in challenging environments, often in communities of color, develop certain biases, beliefs and patterns of behavior that are aligned with a savior complex.

这一问题通常发生于个人感情关系中，即，一个人总是会去寻找那些“需要帮助”的对象，比如挣扎于瘾症、贫穷或精神健康问题中的人。因为他们“想要“修复”或“改变”某个在他们看来有问题的人，这种念头就将受助者转变为了一个项目，或一位病人，而非爱人或伴侣。另外根据观察，一些在具有挑战性的环境中，通常是在有色人群社群中工作的白人教师，往往会产生一些与救世主情结相符合的特定偏见、理念和行为模式。

While helping people out generally isn’t harmful, an individual with savior complex can actually harm more than they help, by trying to fix something they don’t have the skills to fix, rather than entrusting the job to someone who does. “If your partner has a drug or alcohol problem and you refuse to leave them because they ‘need’ you — this is also enabling behavior. They have a serious health problem that your presence alone cannot fix,” Julie Williamson, a counselor, notes as an example.

尽管整体而言帮助他人并非有害，但一位患有救世主情结的人可能实际上造成的伤害要大于帮助，因为他们会试图去修复一些他们并无能力修复的问题，而非选择让具有相应能力的人来做这件事。“如果你的伴侣有吸毒或酗酒问题，而且你拒绝离开他们，因为他们“需要”你，那么这也是一种纵容行为。他们具有严重健康问题，只是你陪在他们身边，并无法解决这一问题，”心理咨询师 Julie Williamson举例说。

Savior complex behavior can also hinder the growth of the individual being aided and constant attempts to fix their lives and can lead to codependency, they neither learn to take responsibility for their own actions nor develop independent, internal motivation.

救世主情结还会阻碍受助者的成长，而且持续试图修复他们的人生，会导致二人之间产生病态共同依赖。受助者既不会学会为自己的行为负责，也无法培养出独立、内在的自驱性。

Because of these effects, savior complex can, in fact, add an unhealthy and often toxic dynamic to romantic relationships, as the individual with savior complex treats the relationship more like a parent-child or teacher-student relationship in a constant endeavor to fix their adult partners. Being “made to feel as if [they aren’t liked] as they are” and need fixing can make the partner frustrated and resentful, Maury Joseph, PsyD, a psychologist, explains.

因为这些后果，救世主情结实际上会为感情关系带来一种不健康且通常有害的关系模式：救世主情结者因为试图不断“修复”伴侣，对待这段感情更像是将其视为亲子或师生关系。他们让伴侣感觉自身不那么受人喜欢，而且自身有问题需要修复，这会让伴侣感到沮丧并愤懑。心理学家和心理学博士 maury Joseph表示。

“Relationships are supposed to be mutually enjoyable and give-take, not charity cases. … You should enter into relationships because you share common values and have a connection. If you are entering a committed relationship with the goal of changing your partner then [they’re a] project, not a partner,” David Bennett, a counselor, explains.

“感情关系应该是带给彼此愉悦，彼此付出的，而不是慈善事业……你进入一段感情的原因应该是你们拥有相同的价值观，并心意相通。如果你进入一段固定恋情的目标是改变对方，那么，对方不过是你的一个项目而已，并非伴侣。”心理咨询师David Bennett说到。

The savior complex harms the fixer as well as their people-projects. Constant helping and sacrificing for others can cause them to feel they are taken for granted when those around them get used to their helpfulness. It can also cause them to experience burnout due to the amount of energy they expend in trying to help others. “Saviors might see symptoms similar to those in people taking care of ailing family members. … They might feel fatigued, drained, depleted in various ways,” Joseph adds.

救世主情结者同时也对救助者有害。不断帮助他人、为他人牺牲，会让他们觉得当身边的人习惯了他们的帮助后，就把这些帮助视为了理所当然。而且这种情结也可能会导致他们身心俱疲，因为他们总是花费大量精力试图去帮助别人。“救世主情结者身上往往会表现出与那些照顾患病家属之人相类似的症状……他们可能会从各种方面感到疲倦、感觉自己被抽干、被掏空”Joseph补充说。

How Can a Savior Complex Harm Me?
救世主情结对我有何害处？

Even if you truly want to help others (that’s called altruism), feeling like you have to help others can:

即使你是发自真心地想要帮助他人（这被称为利他主义），如果你感觉你不得不去帮助别人，那么这可能会：

Put you in danger physically if you try to save someone in a dangerous situation

Affect your mental state, especially if you aren’t able to save the other person

Cause you to neglect your own physical needs, which could lead to illness

Lead you to get burned out

Affect your personal relationships

Negatively affect the person or people you’re trying to help

如果你试图去救一个处于危险情形中的人，可能会给你带来生命危险；

影响你的精神状态，尤其是如果你无法成功救助对方；

导致你忽视个人生理健康需求，这可能会导致疾病；

让你身心俱疲；

影响你的个人感情关系；

对你试图救助的人产生负面影响。

Is a Savior Complex a Mental Disorder?
救助者情结是否是一种精神障碍？

No, but people with mental disorders may get a messiah complex. It’s compared to grandiosity, or grandiose ideas about themselves. That’s when someone has an exaggerated sense of their importance, power, or identity. It’s common in people with bipolar disorder. The messiah complex has also been linked to schizophrenia and delusional disorder.

不。但患有精神障碍者可能会产生救助者情结。这类似于一种自大感，自命不凡感，即对自身重要性、权力或身份有着夸大的错误认知。这在边缘人格障碍中常见。救助者情结还被认为与精神分裂症和妄想障碍相关联。

You don’t have to have a mental disorder to experience a savior complex. You may start helping others with good intentions and continue that way, or develop a messiah complex over time. Some people help others at their own expense because they want to feel good about themselves or they want to feel like they’re in control of others. Just because you experience a savior complex doesn’t mean that it goes on to hurt others, but it can be harmful to your general health or theirs.

你并不一定非得有某种精神障碍才会发展出救世主情结。一开始你帮助别人时，可能是本着善意，但随着时间推移就萌生了这种情结。一些人会舍己助人，因为他们想要那种良好的自我感觉，或者想要感到自己掌控对方。只是因为你有救世主情结，并不意味着它就一定会伤害他人，但它却可能会对你的或他们的整体健康有害。

What Are the Symptoms of a Savior Complex?
救世主情结的症状

You may have a messiah complex if you:

如果你有以下症状，那么你就可能具有救世主情结：

1) Want to help other people.
想要帮助他人。

2) Want better self-esteem or self-worth.
想要更高的自尊感或自我价值感；

3) People with megalomania can set out to help people (and have a messiah complex), too.
患有夸大妄想的人也可能会试图去帮助他人（并具有救世主情结）；

4) Have codependency. If you feel responsible for another person’s needs -- and enable them to fill those needs, even if they’re negative -- you may be more prone to experience a messiah complex or pathological altruism.
病态共同依赖。如果你觉得自己应该对某个人的需求负责，并纵容他们满足他们的这些需求，即使这些是不健康的需求，那么你就更易于产生救世主情结或病理性利他主义。

5) Have an eating disorder. People with eating disorders often want to help others instead of themselves. Some experts believe that people with eating disorders may be more likely to have pathological altruism, which is linked to having a messiah complex.
患有饮食障碍。饮食障碍者通常会想要帮助别人，而非自己。一些专家认为，饮食障碍者更易于产生病理性利他主义理念，这种理念则与患有救世主情结相关。

6) Hoard animals. If you have a lot of animals and cannot fully care for them, you are not be doing what’s in their best interest. Some experts associate people who hoard animals with pathologic altruism.
囤积动物：如果你养了很多动物，但却又无法充分照顾它们，那么你的所作所为就并不符合它们的最佳利益。一些专家认为囤积动物者与病理性利他主义之间存在关联。

7) Think you know what’s better for others.
认为你知道什么才对别人更有利。

8) Crave power over others or self-worth. You may start out genuinely wanting to help others and find that you crave the power that it gives you. Then you may stop wanting to help others but only do it for the power or feelings of self-worth.
渴望对他人的权力或渴望自我价值。一开始你可能发自真心想要帮助他人，但却发现你渴望这种助人行为带给你的力量感。之后你再帮助别人时可能就并非出于帮助之心，而只是为了追求这种力量感和自我价值感。

9) Feel superior to others based on race. Beliefs on race can be a driver for a person to feel obligated to help others, too. This is known as white savior complex.
种族优越感。对种族的观念可能也会让你一个人感觉自己有义务帮助别人。这也被称为白色救世主情结。

10) Have delusional disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or other mental disorder.
患有妄想障碍、边缘人格障碍、精神分裂症和其他精神障碍等。

These 17 signs show you may have savior complex in your relationship
感情中你可能患有救世主情结的17个迹象

1) You really want to change and “fix” some fundamental things about your partner
你真心想改变或“修复”对方的一些本质性问题；

2) You feel like you know what’s best for your partner – even more than they do for themselves
你感觉你知道什么才是对对方最好的——甚至比对方自身都要清楚；

3) You treat them like you’re interviewing them or “checking up” on them frequently
你对对方的对待方式经常如同审问或检查；

4) You have many ideas and answers for their life and long-term improvements
对于对方的人生和长期提升，你有很多的想法和答案；

5) You trust yourself more than any professional or expert to help address their problems
在帮助解决对方问题方面，你更信任自己，而非任何专业人士或专家。

6) You start paying their financial costs
你开始承担对方的经济开销；

7) You run your partner’s schedule and organize their life more than they do
在对方的日常计划执行和对方的生活安排方面，你做的要比对方做的多。

8) You’re working overtime while they sink deeper
你越来越马不停蹄劳作，但对方越陷越深（你一直在干活，比如各种家务，对方一直心安理得享受）

9) Your romantic spark is eclipsed by a therapist-patient dynamic
你们的爱情火花被一种心理咨询师——患者的关系模式给遮蔽了。

10) You look after your partner so much you don’t leave enough time for yourself
你如此劳神费力照顾对方，以至于没有足够时间留给自己；

11) You blame yourself for their problems and setbacks
你将对方的问题和挫折归咎于自己；

12) You place your own happiness completely in your ability to help your partner
你将个人幸福完全置于自己帮助对方的能力上；

13) You’re certain that without you your partner would be toast
你坚信如果没有你，对方就完了；

14) You stay in the relationship even if you’re unhappy because you feel a sense of responsibility and dependence
你选择继续这段感情，即使你并不开心，因为你看到一种责任感和依赖感；

15) You don’t think you deserve someone who treats you better
你觉得你配不上一个对你更好的人；

16) Your sex life and emotional bond frays but you just try even harder to help
你的性生活和情感纽带受挫，但你只是更努力地尝试去帮助对方（觉得自己做的还不够多，应该更努力一些，更多沟通一些，满足对方的更多需求）。

17) You feel bound by an invisible cord that just gets stronger with time
你觉得自己被一根隐形的绳子束缚住了，而且这根绳子随着时间推移变得越来越结实；

When you’re in a codependent cycle, it’s not healthy or wonderful.

It drags you and your partner both down, and the wound-mate bond just gets stronger over time.

You feel this overwhelming guilt that you can’t leave them. It’s too late now after all this time.

You feel a wound inside yourself that can only be validated and healed by fixing or rescuing this other individual you care about.

But it’s not true. And it’s time to step out into the sunlight.

当你处于一段病态共同依赖的循环中时，这（种捆绑感）既不健康也并非好事。

它会将你们二人向下越拽越深，这种基于创伤而形成的纽带会随着时间推移逐渐加固；

你感到一种排山倒海般的内疚感，你告诉自己不能离开对方。现在，过了那么久，已经太迟了。

你感到内心有一处伤口，而且只有通过“修复”或拯救你所在乎的另一个人，才能让这一伤口得到认可和愈合。

但这一切并非事实。而且，是时候走出阴霾，沐浴阳光之下了。

You are worthy of love and a strong relationship and you are not compelled or even capable of fixing someone else. It’s OK to recognize and fully accept that and love yourself and love your partner outside the framework of the savior complex. Sometimes there are issues you can work through, sometimes it is time to go your separate ways.

你值得爱，值得一段牢固的感情，你没有义务，甚至也没有能力去修复别人。承认并完全接受这一点，同时在救世主情结框架外爱你自己和爱对方，这完全是可行的。有时有的问题你们可以解决，但有时候则是时候分道扬镳。

Either way: be strong in the deep inner knowledge that you both deserve love that is unshackled and true.

无论如何：坚信你们都值得拥有不被束缚、真正的爱。

So what are solutions for avoiding the “savior” trap with relationships and clients?
如何避免感情关系中和与患者之间的“救世主”陷阱呢？

Process emotions with friends, family and/or other staff members.
与朋友、家人和/或其他同事处理你的情绪；

Set boundaries with other individuals that allow you to balance caring for them with trying to “save” them.
与其他人之间设立界限，让自己能够在照顾它们和挽救它们之间达成平衡；

Say “maybe” or “no” before saying yes in order to give yourself time to weigh options.
在答应之前，说“可能”或“不”，从而给自己时间权衡各种选项；

Slow down enough to be mindful of choices.
足够慢下来，清楚意识到各种选项；

Reach out for support from a therapist or coach in order to receive an objective assessment of your interpersonal issue.
向心理咨询师或导师寻求帮助，从而对自身人际问题获得一份客观评估。

Let your loved one, friend and/or client take responsibility for their actions.
让自己所爱之人、朋友和/或患者为自己的行为负责；

Do not work harder than your friend, loved one and/or client.
在他们自身问题上，不要比你的朋友、所爱之人和/或客户更努力；

Do the best that you can do to support the individual and then “let go” of the results.
尽己所能支持对方，然后不要纠结于结果如何。

Redefining “helping” and “caring.”
重新定义“帮助”和“关心”。

What does “helping” mean to you and for this individual?
“帮助”对你和对方而言意味着什么？

Asking questions
询问

Backing off
不干预

Simply listening
倾听

Offering action steps and coping skills instead of doing the work for them
为对方提供行动步骤和应对技巧，而非为对方代劳；

Ask yourself:
问自己：

Am I helping this person by avoiding natural consequences?
让对方避免承受自然后果，这种行为是否真的是在帮助对方？

Is this decision made to keep them “happy” or for their overall health?
这一决定是为了取悦对方，还是为了对方整体健康情况着想？

Is my action helping them to get better or me to feel better?
我的行为是在帮助他们变得更好，还是为了让我自我感觉更好？

Am I being invited to help?
我有被邀请提供帮助吗？

Do I “want” to or have to do this?
我想要这样做吗？我必须得这样做吗？

KEY POINTS

Studies suggest that sacrificing doesn’t guarantee a boost in relationship satisfaction, and it often backfires.
研究显示，牺牲，并不一定会提升感情满意度，反而通常会适得其反。

Part of the reason our sacrifice is not as beneficial as we may think is that our partner often isn’t even aware of our sacrifice.
之所以如此，部分是因为对方通常并不知道我们做出的牺牲。

Relational sacrifices that were more challenging were negatively associated with relationship satisfaction.
感情关系中较具挑战性的牺牲通常与感情满意度呈反比关系。

Satisfying and sustainable romantic relationships take work. We all know that patience, understanding, and flexibility are important qualities to practice for lasting love. And many of us add to that list the age-old pro-social behavior of sacrifice to improve our relationships.

高满意度和可持续的恋情关系需要用心经营。我们都知道耐心、理解、思维灵活性是让爱情持久的重要品质。而且，我们很多人在这张清单上还加入了素来已久的亲社会行为（对他人和社会有益的行为）——牺牲——以此来提升感情关系。

If we are in a committed relationship, we can all likely relate to giving up our personal preferences at times to please our partners and promote their well-being. Some may sacrifice regularly, believing it will benefit their partner and relationship over time.

如果我们处于一段认真稳定的恋情关系中，我们可能都能对此感同身受：时不时为满足对方想法和需求而放弃个人喜好。一些人可能会经常选择牺牲自我，认为这会有益于他们的伴侣，并且也会逐渐强化感情。

Others sacrifice not just the small daily things but the larger, more challenging ones. Who has not given up something important to us because our partner wanted something completely different?

其他的一些牺牲并非只是日常琐事，而是更大、更具挑战性。只是因为伴侣想要的东西截然不同，于是就放弃对自己很重要的某件事物，谁没有过这种经历呢？

Maybe we decided to forgo that European educational trip we’d been saving up for in favor of a lazy beach vacation our partner suggested—even though we despise the sand and turn lobster-red after ten minutes in the sun. Or perhaps we abandoned our heart’s desire to settle in the tranquil country and instead succumbed to living in a crowded, big city that our partner loves.

可能是因为对方建议去海滩慵懒度假，于是我们放弃了一直攒钱想要去的欧洲游学旅行——即使我们很讨厌沙子，也不想在太阳下晒十分钟就变得像龙虾一样红彤彤。也可能是，我们放弃了想要安居静谧乡村的渴望，而是委曲求全，选择了伴侣所喜爱的拥挤热闹的城市。

We may tell ourselves that we want what’s best for our partner and relationship. And that nothing could demonstrate this more powerfully than by sacrificing for them on the really big things.

我们可能告诉自己我们会一切为伴侣和这段感情着想，要强烈展现出这一点，有什么比得上在重要事情上为伴侣和感情而做出牺牲呢？

Sacrificing as A Mixed Bag of Emotions
牺牲，让对方内心五味杂陈

However, researchers found that sacrifice isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be. Studies suggest that it doesn’t guarantee any boost in relationship satisfaction, and it often backfires.

但研究人员发现，牺牲，并不一定如大家所鼓吹的一般有益。研究显示，它并不能保证感情满意度的提升，而且，通常反而会适得其反。

A recent meta-analysis found that sacrificing for our partner can have a negative impact on our well-being. And our partner often doesn’t experience an automatic spike in positive emotions, as we may have mistakenly thought. At best, our partner may end up with mixed feelings. How can this be when we gave up so much for them?

近期的一项元分析研究发现，为伴侣牺牲，可能会对我们的个体幸福带来负面影响。而且，与我们可能误认为的不同，伴侣也不会各种积极情绪自动飙升。最好的结果也不过是，他们内心可能会五味杂陈。为什么我们为他们放弃了那么多，结果还会如此呢？

Part of the reason our sacrifice is not as beneficial as we may think is that our partner often isn’t even aware of our sacrifice. Researchers found that 50 percent of the time, the romantic partner wasn’t able to express gratitude to their significant other because they didn’t even notice the sacrifice.

我们的牺牲并不像我们所想象的一样有益，部分原因在于，我们的伴侣通常甚至不知道我们做出了牺牲。研究人员发现，有一半的时间，恋情中一方未能向另一方表达感谢，是因为他们根本都没注意到这一牺牲。

And when they are aware of the sacrifice, in addition to some positive feelings, they may also experience negative ones—because they may feel indebted to us, or even worse, guilty. A mixed bag, for sure.

就算当他们意识到我们的牺牲时，除一些积极情绪之外，他们可能也会经历消极情绪——因为他们可能会对我们感到亏钱，更有甚者，会产生内疚感。五味杂集，毫无疑问。

Previous research has shown that relational sacrifices that were more challenging were negatively associated with relationship satisfaction. At the same time, those that were more frequent and easier were most beneficial to relationship quality. Also, attachment styles played a role as well in these associations.

之前的研究已经表明，就牺牲和感情质量之间的关联来看，感情关系中更大的牺牲是与感情满意度呈反比的。而更频繁、更简单的牺牲，对感情质量是最有益的。另外，依恋类型在这些关联中也发挥着一定作用。

To Sacrifice or Not?
牺牲还是不牺牲呢？

So now what? You may be thinking, "should I or shouldn’t I sacrifice if it doesn’t guarantee a benefit to my relationship?" Like most things, it’s not an all-or-nothing but rather a more nuanced approach that is most beneficial when it comes to sacrifice.

那现在该怎么办呢？你可能在想：“如果牺牲并不一定对我们感情有益，那我到底应不应该牺牲自我呢？”同大多数事物一样，在做出牺牲时，最有益的做法，并非非此即彼的极端化，而是需要根据具体情况巧妙细微调整。

Given recent research, we suggest the following tips that might help when you consider sacrificing for your relationship:

根据近期研究，我们提出了以下一些建议，当你考虑为感情做出牺牲时，这些建议可能会有所帮助。

Reexamine what you’re sacrificing and your willingness to do so. Willingness to sacrifice was linked with higher well-being for both the persons giving and receiving the sacrifice.
重新审视你所牺牲的事物，以及你有多么心甘情愿做出这一牺牲。牺牲行为的甘愿性，与感情双方的更高幸福感是相关联的。

Focus on small, daily sacrifices rather than occasional large, challenging ones.
聚焦于日常小牺牲，而非偶尔的、具有挑战的大牺牲。

Find out whether your partner is aware of your intended sacrifice. Discuss the impact of the sacrifice on both of you and your relationship at the moment and down the road.
了解对方是否知道你本意做出的牺牲。讨论这一牺牲行为对你们和你们的感情关系在当下，以及在未来会产生的影响。

Reassess and reframe the sacrifice in a good light if you’re willing to go through with it. Consider some greater long-term benefits that may result from a little sacrifice now.

如果的确愿意做出这一牺牲，那么重新评估，并从更好的视角去阐述它。考虑现在一个小牺牲可能带来的一些长期更大益处。

Finally, if you’re not willing to sacrifice, say on that vacation, consider possible alternatives like compromising (e.g., doing a museum tour in the south of France where you can also take time on the beach) or what researchers call “going your own way” (e.g., by each person taking a separate solo mini-vacation that feeds their soul).
最后，如果不愿意牺牲，比如说上面说的度假，那么考虑一些可能的替代方案，比如，折衷（例如，游览法国南部博物馆，这样同时还可以花时间去海滩）或者研究人员所说的“各行其是”（如，两人各自按照自己的内心愿望分别来个迷你小度假）。

In sum, remember that one size does not fit all (or even most) couples regarding sacrifice and alternative solutions. Attachment styles, personality, and personal goals all play a role. Specific types of sacrifices might work for some couples and not others. And super independent types may have no problem “going their own way,” while others might find that option distasteful.

总而言之，记住在牺牲和替代方案上，并没有一个放之四海而皆准的选项。依恋类型、性格、个人目标等都发挥着影响。特定牺牲类型可能对某些恋情有效，但对其他恋情无效。对超独立类型而言，“各行其是”这一方案可能毫无问题，但其他人可能就对此反感。

Whatever you do, don’t look at what others do; instead, focus on each other. Being open with your partner about what works for both of you is most important to preserve and strengthen your relationship in the moment and over time.

无论你选择怎么做，不要盲目学别人，而是将目光聚焦于你们二人。无论在当下，或是长远而言，与对方开诚布公谈论对双方都有效的方案，是维持和强化感情关系的最关键要素。

作者介绍：安伟

随着现代社会的快速发展，物质生活愈加丰裕，人们在物质方面的需求得到了极大的满足，个体对于精神世界的需要以及独立性自我的发展越加凹显。

在这样的时代背景下，人们所固有的生活观念也在悄无声息地发展中变化，其中个体对于婚姻的态度得到了学界学者的广泛关注与研究，传统的婚姻观面临着诸多的挑战。人们关于婚姻观的态度及思想变化直接影响着个体的行为——即是否走入婚姻。

不可否认，女性在劳动市场上发挥着越来越重要的作用。与此伴随而来的是女性面临婚姻时的思想及态度转变，女性依附于男性的传统婚姻模式走向解体。

不论是人们对于自我发展及自我价值实现的追寻还是女性社会定位的变化，共同导致了人们不愿轻易走入婚姻的事实。

那么，我们不禁要问，现在似乎越来越多的人都不结婚了，以后婚姻制度会消亡吗？有没有相关的研究来从科学客观的实证角度谈谈这个问题呢？距离我们最近的80后以及90后对于婚姻的观点是怎样的呢？对于这些令人好奇的问题，我们发现真的有人做了这样的研究。

01
不婚早有端倪？

大数据显示，不婚似乎早有端倪。一方面，自20世纪70年代以来中国的国民离婚率就在不断攀升；另一方面，80年代初被强烈反对的同居也逐渐为人们所接受，有些人惊讶于其被接纳的速度如此之快。

而路特吉斯大学国家婚姻课题组的两位合作者大卫·彼佩诺和芭芭拉·丹佛·怀特海德则认为：“不像离婚或非婚生育，同居的倾向事实上并没有激起公众的非议或者批评。”（张素蓉，2001）

基于这两大主要原因及种种其他因素，一些学者做出预测和推断，认为这将导致越来越多的人“不婚”（王坤，2006；王聪聪，2008；陈淑兰，2020），尤其对于恐婚的人来说，既然同居已经提供了陪伴和支持，同时ta们也不必为背负婚姻的责任而产生过度的担心和焦虑。人们何乐而不为？

Cherlin （2004）认为从西方社会发展历程来看，婚姻制度的解体是必然的。制度婚姻是适应于一定现实条件下的环境产物，当环境发生变化，相应地人们关于婚姻的想法随之改变，对于制度婚姻的诉求也就不再需要。西方社会的婚姻经历了从制度婚姻到伴侣婚姻，再到个体婚姻的历史阶段，而婚姻作为一种社会设置正在去制度化（Coontz, 2004）。

对于这个问题，我国有学者通过分层抽样的方式对大学生进行了调查，结果发现，对大学生而言，虽然其婚育观已发生了改变，但是在大学生群体中婚姻仍然没有明显的去制度化，换句话说，大学生仍然对结婚与生养子女抱有期待（李婷, 郑叶昕, 闫誉腾，2022）。

02
当80后被问：您觉得您这一生会结婚吗？

在2016年的一项研究中，当被问到“您觉得您这一生会结婚吗” 这个问题时， 绝大部分的80后选择了“是”（约90%以上的80后觉得自己会结婚，仅有不到10%的人认为自己不会结婚）（田丰, 2016）。

同时研究发现，对于男性和女性来说，两性个体在择偶方面具有不同的选择标准。具体见下图：

1) 80后男性的择偶标准

数据来源|田丰. (2016)

由上图8-6我们可以看出，对于男性来说，其选择妻子的标准按照重要程度排列的话，排在前三位的是和性格与智力相关的，分别为性格（78%）、生活习惯（74%）和智力（55%），再往后排列的是年龄（41%）、会做家务（34%）等；其中男性对于对妻子经济状况方面的要求排到了第十位。

因此，在选择妻子的过程中，80后男性的重视程度排序首先为性格和智力、容貌和家务能力，之后才是经济能力。

2) 80后女性的择偶标准

数据来源|田丰. (2016)

由上图8-7我们可以看出，对于女性来说，其选择丈夫的标准按照重要程度前三位的为性格（91%）、生活习惯（88%） 和智力（83%），再往后排列的是经济状况（65%）、学历（53%）等；其中女性重视丈夫经济状况的超过50%。

因此，在选择丈夫的过程中，80后的重视程度排序首先为性格和智力、经济能力，然后才是容貌和家务能力。

03
90的答案

在要不要结婚这个问题上，90后会作何回答呢？事实上，90后似乎一直处于舆论的风口浪尖。首先是结婚率降低，90后被抨击时“不孝自私”的一代；随之而来的是生育率低，90后被抨击没有“家国情怀”……作为人们视野中严重“垮掉的一代”的90后，一度以适婚群体的主力军的角色进入人们的视野，也引发了广大学者的关注与研究。

01
90后的结婚意愿

在有关90后的访谈研究中，研究者主要调研了关于90后群体的结婚意愿，聚焦于结婚年龄、婚居模式及婚姻观念（林定献，2020；陈洁烨，2020；何昊旸，2022）。

一是结婚年龄方面，有学者发现90后青年意愿的结婚年龄都要高于其父母所期望的初婚年龄；另一方面90后的期望夫妻年龄差（指人们对与自己结婚的另一方年龄的期望）普遍都是期望男生的年龄要大于女生的年龄，被访者中对年龄差的接受以0-3岁最普遍，其中最大能接受7岁的年龄差。

二是婚居模式方面。婚居模式是指新婚夫妻结婚后所选择的居住形式，主要有从夫居、从妻居、两头居住等。在婚居模式方面，单独居住的模式逐渐代替了传统的从夫居模式，单独居住的模式下避免了和上一辈人住在一起的矛盾和冲突、摩擦，另一方面单独居住又产生了对于购买房子的需要——这是新的有待解决的问题。

三是婚姻观念方面。90后的婚恋观念更自由、更自我，ta们普遍更加追求自我价值的实现和更看重自身发展。因此，在是否结婚这个问题上面，90后的答案是“可以结也可以不结”，也就不存在什么适龄结婚的问题；与此同时，非常显而易见的是90后的上一辈则认为“结婚是一件必须要做的事情”，ta们更倾向于人生要在适合的年龄做适合的事情。

02
90后想共度一生的人

如前所述，80后群体中，广大男性的择偶标准排序首先为妻子的性格和智力、经济能力， 之后才是容貌和家务能力；而广大女性的择偶标准排序首先为丈夫的性格和智力、容貌和家务能力，然后是经济能力。

在择偶标准方面，90后和80后有着明显的选择偏向。相对80后而言，90后群体更看重双方精神上的默契，也就是心灵世界的契合；同时是否具备共同的兴趣和目标也是90后择偶的重要判别标准；最后，不得不提的是，90后在开始一段亲密关系的时候，更喜欢跟着感觉走，“感觉对了”简直是90后的最爱，一旦发现双方的不合拍，ta们多不愿意迁就或者拿出更多的时间来给彼此磨合，而是更倾向于好聚好散。

需要说明的是，“跟着感觉走”的90后并不是随意的选择结婚对象，而是有着多方面的综合考虑，并且90后更相信“门当户对”，也更愿意追求一段能持久稳定的婚姻关系。

关于今天的结婚的议题，你的想法如何？欢迎转发到朋友圈或发给你的对象、朋友，一起讨论关于找对象的那些事儿～

参考文献

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陈淑兰. (2020). 我国女性高等教育的发展及其对婚恋观的影响. (Doctoral dissertation, 江西财经大学).

林定献. (2020). "90"后青年的婚姻意愿与影响因素分析. 科教导刊：电子版(22), 3

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何昊旸. 适婚青年人推迟婚姻的意愿研究——基于四位“90后”的访谈[J].现代管理, 2022, 12(7): 757-767.

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https://www.hanspub.org/journal/PaperInformation.aspx?paperID=53498

https://images3.mca.gov.cn/www2017/file/202208/2021mzsyfztjgb.pdf

https://www.hanspub.org/journal/PaperInformation.aspx?paperID=53498

策 划：安伟
撰 稿：安伟
编 辑：高文洁
美 编：杨婉婷
图源网络|侵删

KEY POINTS

Much of our well-being depends on the quality of our interpersonal connections.
我们的幸福很大程度上取决于我们的人际关系连接质量

Shared interests, self-disclosure, and feeling “heard” are key to interpersonal chemistry.
兴趣相同、自我披露、感到被“倾听”，是人际关系化学反应的关键要素。

Chemistry involves verbal, non-verbal, and even neural-level synchrony between people.
化学反应涉及到两人之间的语言、非语言甚至神经层面的共时性（同步性）。

Characteristics of Interpersonal Chemistry
人际关系化学反应的特点

If two people were meeting for the first time—say, on a blind date—what would leave them with the impression that they had chemistry? According to speed dating research, it would depend on how strongly the individuals felt a sense of connection and closeness with each other, how similar they assessed their personalities to be, and whether they discovered any shared interests during the course of their conversation. Other predictors of interpersonal chemistry—whether in romantic relationships or friendships—include being personable and open with each other, having similar values and beliefs, physical attraction, love, instant connection, and other “indescribable” factors.

如果两个人首次见面，比如说，两个从未见面的人被介绍首次约会，那么什么会让他们感到有化学反应呢？根据快速约会研究，这取决于二人在交谈过程中感觉双方之间有多强烈的连接感（心意相通、共鸣）和亲近感、二人性格相似度，以及是否发现有任何相同的兴趣。无论是在恋情或友情中，人际化学反应的其他预测因素还包括性格随和、真诚坦率、相似价值观和理念、生理吸引、爱、立即产生的连接感和其他“无法描述”的因素。

Psychologist Harry Reis has been studying the curious workings of human relationships for five decades. His biggest insight has been about just how consequential connection is. “From health and well-being to productivity and success—it all depends on the strength of one’s connections,” he says.

心理学家 Harry Reis研究人际关系的神奇运作方式已经有五十年之久，关于连接感的重要性，他的最主要见解是：从健康到幸福，到生产力和成功，一切都取决于一个人与他人之间关系的连接强度。

According to Reis, both the quantity and the quality of our interactions matter. This means that whether through our closest relationships or brief positive encounters with strangers, we need to find ways to continuously restock our reservoirs of "Vitamin S" (where the "s" stands for sociality).

Reis认为，人际互动数量与质量均具有重要作用。这意味着，无论是通过我们的最亲密关系，或是与陌生人之间的短暂正面互动的方式，我们都需要设法不断补充我们的“维生素S”（S代表社交性）存量。

What might help in weaving a tapestry of connections with our fellow humans that becomes the bedrock for a well-lived life? “Being open, genuine, and responsive to each other in a long-term, ongoing way; being reliable and committed; feeling that the other person really understands who you are and what’s important to you and respects that,” suggests Reis.

那么，对于构建人际连接这一幸福人生基石而言，有哪些有益因素呢？“长期一直对彼此坦率、真诚、给予回应；可靠、用心；感到对方真的懂你、真正了解对你而言重要的事物，并对此表示尊重。”Reis建议说。

In a recent article, Reis and his colleagues propose a conceptual model that explores the two sides of interpersonal chemistry: what it looks like (behaviors) and what it feels like (perceptions).

在近期发表的一篇文章中，Reis和其同事提出了一个概念模型，这一概念模型探究了人际关系化学反应的两面：

外在表现（行为）以及给人的内在感受（认知）。

The Interpersonal-Chemistry Model: What Chemistry Looks Like
人际关系化学反应模型——化学反应外在表现

01
Emerging and embodying
逐渐萌生与具象化（具身化）

Chemistry, write Reis et al., (2022) is an emergent phenomenon. Thanks to its “transactional” nature, it is set in motion with the repeated back-and-forth exchanges between individuals in the interaction, as partners take turns expressing their goals, feelings, and wishes. Much of the magic of interpersonal chemistry transpires through various non-verbal channels of communication, including eye contact, facial expressions, and bodily signals. This gives chemistry its embodied feel.

Reis等人写道，化学反应是一种逐渐萌生的现象。得益于它的“交易”本质，它是由两人之间不断互动，轮流表达自己目标、感受和愿望这一过程而触发的。这一神奇反应很大程度上通过非语言沟通渠道而产生，其中包括目光接触、面部表情和肢体信号等。这就为化学反应赋予了具体外在表现。

02
Mirroring
模仿

According to the authors, forging high-chemistry connections might involve the activation of mirror neurons in our brains. For example, in order to gather evidence that they are on the same page with their shared experience, partners may coordinate emotions and behaviors by mirroring each other’s facial expressions. This mirroring can synchronize neural activity among partners, in turn, enabling communication.

根据作者观点，构建高度化学反应连接感，可能会涉及到我们大脑中镜像神经元的激活。例如，为搜集证据证明双方在这一过程中感受一致，双方可能会通过模仿对方面部表情的方式协调彼此的情绪和行为。这种模仿能够使双方神经活动同步，从而能够让双方进行沟通。

03
Self-disclosing and feeling “heard”
自我披露和感到“被倾听”

Another factor that plays an important role in fostering chemistry is how partners receive each other’s self-disclosure. Here, two features of communication are key: perceived partner responsiveness (PPR) and mutuality. PPR emerges when conversation partners share their feelings, needs, and goals, and are met by an understanding and appreciative response.

催生化学反应的另一重要因素是双方对彼此自我披露行为的反应方式。这里，两个沟通特征至为关键：主观认为的对方回应性（PPR）和相互性。当一方分享自身感受、需求和目标，且另一方对此的回应是理解和欣赏，那么就会产生PPR。

Research shows that PPR can contribute to the well-being of relationships, thanks to a cycle of reciprocity that fosters a sense of mutual care, trust, and psychological safety: The person opens up, is met with a supportive partner, feels “heard” and “seen,” and reciprocates. According to Reis et al., (2022), these moments of “responsive interaction” nurture deep connections and provide fertile ground for chemistry to blossom. Mutuality, on the other hand, is strengthened when partners express compatible feelings and goals.

研究显示，PPR能够带来一种良性回馈循环，这会催生一种互相关心、信任和心理安全感，因此PPR有益于感情关系的健康发展：一方袒露心扉，并得到对方支持，就会感到被倾听、被看到，从而也会向对方给予同样的回应。根据Reis等人的观点，这些“回应型互动”时刻能够催生深度的连接感，并为化学反应的萌发提供肥沃土壤。而关于相互性，当双方表达相互合拍的感受和目标时，就会巩固这种相互性。

04
Synchrony
共时性

As the conversation partners take turns talking, listening, and attuning to each other, synchrony evolves between them. This synchrony may include matching non-verbal behaviors, adjusting to each other’s tone and rhythm of voice, as well as expressing similar ideas. These subtle, and often outside of awareness sequences of harmonized behaviors can unfold very quickly and add up to felt moments of connection. Researchers believe that for a sense of chemistry to develop more fully, these “episodic bursts” of connection must accumulate over continuous interactions.

随着谈话双方轮流交谈、倾听，回应对方，双方之间就会产生共时性。这种共时性可能包括：使彼此非语言行为相一致，调整到对方的语调和声音节奏上，表达相似观点等。这些微妙，而且通常并不会被察觉到的一系列谐调行为能够非常快速展开，并让彼此之间产生连接感。研究人员认为，想让化学反应感更充分发展，这些连接感“爆发时刻”必须在持续互动过程中不断累积。

05
Individual factors
个体因素

Although chemistry has a “relationship-level effect”—it is something that is experienced within particular “special” connections—individual factors can influence various aspects of it. These might include how people experience or express chemistry, how they perceive their partners and how they respond to them, and to whom they are attracted.

尽管化学反应具有一种“感情关系层次的效果”——它是在特定“特别”关系中才会获得的体验——但个体因素对其会产生多方面的影响。其中可能包括：一个人对化学反应的体验感受和表达方式、如何看待对方、如何看待对方对自己的回应方式、自己喜欢的人的类型等。

Other factors that can facilitate or hinder chemistry in interactions might be how responsive the person is (e.g., Do they have good listening and perspective-taking skills? Are they warm and trustworthy?), or how compatible their goals are with their interlocutors. Even the outwardly aspects of the interaction (pace, tenor) and how the interlocutors perceive them can affect the “making” of chemistry.

其他会影响化学反应的因素可能包括：对方的回应性如何？（比如，他是否有良好的倾听和换位思考技能、是否性格温和、是否值得信赖？）双方目标的契合度有多高等。甚至互动过程的表面因素（速度、谈话主旨），以及谈话双方对这些表面因素的主观感受，都会影响化学反应的产生。

The Interpersonal-Chemistry Model: What Chemistry Feels Like
人际化学反应模型：化学反应带给人的内在感受

The perceptions of chemistry have cognitive, affective, and behavioral components.

对化学反应所带来的主观感受，包含认知、情感和行为三个维度。

The cognitive component refers to how people perceive similarity and complementarity between themselves and their partners when it comes to their goals, values, and personalities. Shared goals can help people feel invested in each other (Kelley & Thibaut, 1978) and create a sense that the relationship is a “unit.” For example, in high-chemistry romantic relationships, partners might form a "couple" identity; on sports teams, a spirit of collective belonging might emerge.

认知方面，是指人们如何看待双方之间目标、价值观和性格的相似性和互补性。一致的目标能够让人对彼此感到深深的在乎，并让人产生一种“一体”感。例如，在高度化学反应恋情关系中，双方可能会形成一种“伴侣身份”；如果是在体育团队中，集体归属感可能就会萌生。

The affective component of chemistry refers to feeling positive emotions, including liking, attraction, and a sense of being “drawn to each other.” Often, similarities between partners can usher a host of positive feelings towards each other, in turn, fostering a sense of being understood and cared for.

化学反应从情感方面带给人的感受，是指感到积极的情绪，包含：喜欢、倾心和感到彼此吸引。通常，双方之间的相似性能够带来对彼此的大量正面感受，从而让彼此产生一种被理解、被喜欢的感觉。

The behavioral component has to do with how the interaction partners perceive they can coordinate their behaviors to achieve their mutual goals. Feeling chemistry entails the perception of the interaction as “something more than the sum of their separate contributions,” write Reis et al., (2022). Thus, in high-chemistry connections, individuals tend to believe that they would be more successful if they could go after their shared goals together, rather than alone.

行为因素，是指双方认为可以如何协调彼此行为以达成共同目标。感到化学反应，会让人感觉这一互动“整体结果大于各独立因素相加之和”，Reis等人写道。因此，在高度化学反应关系中，双方通常会认为，如果他们能够共同追求一致目标，而非孤军作战，那么他们会更成功。

作者介绍：高山

最近看了一部影视剧《婚姻生活》，豆瓣评分8.8，故事中的妻子有一句话很真实。

图| 婚姻生活

很多人说这部剧的基调过于悲观，但它的确捕捉到了一些婚姻中说不清、道不明的心理状态，例如夫妻双方都感觉到的“感情不可避免地衰落”。

Eastwick的研究证明了这一点，根据他的关系轨迹研究，伴侣对关系的评价会在接触初期很快达到了一个平台高点，然后开始下降。

但是，为什么有些婚姻关系却能长久稳定地发展下去呢？有什么办法在阻挡这种下降的趋势吗？

来看看今天的文章，或许你可以试试下面这6件小事：

01
回应Ta，哪怕目前没有解决办法

伴侣响应性（Percieved partner responsiveness）指的是我们在亲密关系中，能够明确感知到来自另一半的响应、理解、支持和关心（Laurenceau, 1998）。如果你有过这样的经历：

兴致勃勃跟伴侣分享今天遇到的趣事，结果只得到一句“嗯”，或者想要跟Ta好好争辩一番，却像拳头打在了棉花上。那你一定能理解，“被响应”在一段关系中有多么重要。

一项针对新冠疫情期间伴侣关系的研究发现，新冠疫情带来的外部压力会“侵蚀”伴侣之间的关系质量（Rhonda,2022）。

研究者调查了来自57个国家的3593人，在疫情开始和随后的3个月里，感知到伴侣响应性低的人，报告了较差的关系质量；而感知到伴侣响应性高的人，则报告了较好的关系质量。

也就是说，伴侣响应性对伴侣遭遇的外部压力，起到了一定的缓冲作用。

或许，“件件有着落，事事有回应”，才是夫妻之间最重要的安全感来源之一。

图|pexels

02
把“你”和“我”，换成“我们”

一个浪漫的事实是：婚姻是将“你”和“我”变成了“我们”，而这种人称代词的转换，其实也会让我们的婚姻更幸福。

“We-talk”被用来指代那种使用“我们”作为人称代词的表述方式，例如，如果一对夫妻在旅行途中遇到汽车故障，他们不会说“你/我能解决这个问题”，而会说“我们可以解决这个问题”，后者的表述方式显然更有利于关系的亲密。

这可能与夫妻之间的相关依赖有关，在关系研究中，We-talk被理解为“一起应对”的行为标志，它意味着我们的身份融合成一个整体，我们将问题视作共同的、而非个人的，我们共同努力并承担事情发生的后果（Lyons,1998）。而这样的谈话，通常预示着更积极的关系功能（Karan,2019）。

尝试改变一下日常用词吧，当谈话中“我们”的含量更高，也许彼此会有不一样的感受。

03
合理地表达愤怒

如何跟伴侣表达愤怒，同样是一道人生难题。研究发现，“爆炸式的愤怒”（通过攻击和暴力表达愤怒）和“压抑式的愤怒”（把愤怒藏在心里），这两种情况都会对伴侣双方的健康，以及关系幸福度产生负面的影响(Averill,1982; Tavris,1982,1984)。

图|pexels

那么，究竟怎样合理地表达愤怒，才能促进关系而非损伤关系呢？

Guerrero的一项研究发现，处理愤怒最有效的方法是清楚而礼貌地表达自己的感受，他把这种愤怒表达的模式叫作“自信-整合”(assertive-integration)。

具体操作来讲，一方面你可以直接诚实地表达自己的想法和感觉；但另一方面，你需要传达出对伴侣感受、需求和观点的关注或考虑。

这种情况下，夫妻之间实际上创造出了一个共同的“情绪空间”，这个空间的目的不是为了宣泄情绪，而是为了尊重彼此的真实感受，并且通过这种方式让彼此更靠近。

愤怒是一种正常的情绪，不要否认它，也不要忽视它，它只是需要以一种安全的方式在关系中运转。

04
确立金钱上的共同目标

你们会因为金钱问题而吵架吗？例如如何处理投资和消费的平衡、教育孩子的花费、双方父母家庭的支出等等，俗话说“谈钱伤感情”，但夫妻之间的感情却“不得不谈钱”。

许多研究都证明了夫妻关系与家庭财务之间的紧密联系(Britt, 2005; Johnson & Booth, 1990;Kerkmann et al., 2000; Megunda & Hira, 1990; Rosenblatt & Keller, 1983)，基于这些实证研究，佐治亚大学教授Archuleta提出了一个CFT理论（couples and finances theory )。

这个理论假设夫妻关系和家庭财务过程之间的联系本质上是“循环”的，即夫妻关系和财务过程是两个相互联系、相互影响的家庭子系统。

图|pexels

在这个理论框架下，Archuleta做了更进一步的研究，他通过一家金融服务机构，调查了2024个家庭后发现，相比较于“传统”意义上的沟通策略（即倡导用沟通来解决金钱上的冲突矛盾），对金钱有共同的目标和价值观，更有可能成为婚姻满意度的预测指标。

这个结论给所有夫妻提供了一个非常行之有效的建议——先设立一个共同的小目标，好过事后一番接一番地“明算账”。

05
除了纪念日，也可以创造日常的仪式感

说到仪式感，你可能会想到结婚纪念日、烛光晚餐玫瑰花等场景，但事实上，家庭仪式（Family rituals）远不止如此。

仪式可能会发生在家庭生活的不同层面，Wolin和Bennett在1984年的研究中确定了三种类型的家庭仪式：家庭庆祝活动（如春节等传统佳节）、家庭传统（如生日、结婚纪念日）和模式化的互动（如晚餐之后坐在一起看电视）。

这些仪式感并不是所谓爱情的“象征性行为”，它们实实在在地起到了重要的作用。

国外一项针对150对已婚夫妇的研究发现，夫妻双方在仪式上的更大投入，能够建立他们婚姻关系的凝聚力，以及对这段关系的积极认知(Crespo,2008)。

因为仪式感在某种程度上，代表了夫妻“对家庭生活的显著投资”（Acitelli, Rogers, & Knee, 1999)，这意味着他们愿意多花费时间来组织活动、分享情感，更负责任地参与到家庭任务。

图|小谢尔顿

06
当你感到“窒息”，允许自己向伴侣寻求空间

之前在Psychology Today上看到一篇文章，文章的观点十分有趣：你可以通过学习“冷漠”来恢复你们的关系。这个观点乍一听很不靠谱，但事实上，已经有研究证实了这件事。

国外一项长期婚姻研究，自1986年追踪了373对已婚夫妻后发现：在那些自我报告婚姻不幸福的人当中，有11.5%的人表示，不幸福的原因在于“缺乏隐私和属于自己的时间”（相比之下，只有6%的人是因为对性生活不满意）。

因此，该项目的研究者、密歇根大学教授Terri Orbuch说：“在一段关系中拥有足够的空间或隐私，比拥有良好的性生活更重要。”

当下，有许许多多的声音都在强调夫妻的“共同时间”，提出“自我时间”似乎有着重要的补充意义，当夫妻双方都保有自己的兴趣、朋友和空间时，这使得他们的关系更加松弛也更有张力。

如果你在一段关系中感到了“窒息”，请允许自己向另一半寻求空间，这里是Orbuch在The Sydney Morning Herald上提供的一些小Tips：

-你可以把自我时间内收获的信息、参与的活动带回去和伴侣分享。
-不要感到内疚，你对自我时间的需求和你对伴侣的爱有多深没有关系。
-当你向伴侣提出要求时，要具体一点：建议不要使用“我需要空间”这样的短语，而是告诉Ta为什么更多的空间会让你快乐，以及你会去做什么。
-当然，如果Ta愿意，尽可能让Ta参与到你想做的事情和想去的地方。

最近很多人都在讨论松弛感，一夜之间，松弛感成了大家追求的终极境界，如果放到婚姻关系当中，什么是松弛感呢？

或许就是允许这段关系有不可避免的“衰落”，但同时有力量让它在可控的状态下“回升”。人们常说工作要遵循长期主义，亲密关系何尝不是如此，我想我们要扣住的，从来都不是最高的峰值，而是时间的脉搏，和每一分的欢喜、变化和成长。

希望读到这里的你，无论是否结婚，都能从这篇文章中得到一点力量。

欢迎转发到朋友圈，或者给你的另一半、你的朋友们，良好的关系需要共同的努力~

参考文献

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