Businesses have long used the term churn to denote the loss of customers and clients. More recently, psychologists have introduced the concept of relationship churn. In this context, relationship churn refers to unstable on-again, off-again relationships. When couples break up and then reconcile—sometimes many times in a row—this is churn.
商业上很久以来都用 churn 这个词来指代客户流失。近期（本文写于2020年）心理学家们开始引入“relationship churn”这个词。它是指不稳定的、一直在分分合合的感情。当恋人分手然后又和好，有时甚至像这样多次重复，这就是 churn。
Although more prevalent among adolescents and young adults, people of all ages can experience relationship churn. Churning relationships often inspire intense emotions. A person may cycle through intense love, anger, jealousy, grief, and anxiety over the state of the relationship in just a few days.
尽管这更多见诸青少年和青年群体，但实际上在各年龄段都存在。分分合合的感情通常会激发强烈情绪。一个人可能会在短短数日之内，因为感情状态，而经历强烈的爱、愤怒、嫉妒、悲痛和焦虑这一情绪循环。
HOW COMMON ARE ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN RELATIONSHIPS?
这种分分合合的感情有多普遍？
Relationship churn is a new concept that remains poorly studied, so it is unclear how common these tumultuous relationships are. Most research into the topic has examined relationships among people in their teens, twenties, and thirties, so most data on the topic apply to adolescents and emerging adults. A 2012 study of adolescents and young adults found 44% of participants who had a romantic relationship during the two years prior to the study had at least one breakup followed by a reconciliation. A 2013 study found that more than a third of couples who break up will reunite. The same study found that a fifth of married people experience relationship churn.
Relationship churn 是一个新概念，对其研究并不多，因此尚不明确这种激烈动荡的感情究竟有多普遍。很多相关研究只是针对10-30岁人群的感情关系进行了调查，因此在这一方面的大多数数据仅适用于青少年和青年人群。2012年对青少年和青年的一项研究发现，在该调查之前两年内有过恋爱经历的受调查对象中，有44%都曾有在分手后复合的经历。2013年一项研究发现，分手情侣/夫妇中，有超过1/3会复合。这一研究还发现已婚人士中，有1/5都经历过relationship churn。
Defining relationship churn can prove challenging. One partner might think the couple has reconciled after they have sex, even when the other thinks they are still fighting. Likewise, breakups are not always certain. One partner might think the couple is merely taking time apart even as the other believes the relationship to be permanently over.
Relationship churn 这个词很难定义。一方可能在性活动之后觉得两人已经和好，但另一方可能觉得两人还在吵架。同样，“分手”也并非总是明确的。一方可能觉得只是暂时分开一段时间，另一方可能觉得这段感情已经永远结束了。
The media is filled with depictions of on-again, off-again relationships. Penny and Leonard on The Big Bang Theory broke up only to later reunite and marry. Ross and Rachel on Friends spent much of the series pining away for one another. They remained broken up even after having a child and finally reconciled in the season finale.
媒体中也充斥着对这种分分合合感情的描绘。《生活大爆炸》中Penny和Leonard先是分手，后来和好并结婚了。《老友记》中Ross和Rachel也是在很多集中都因对方而忧伤苦楚。即使在有孩子后他们也继续保持分手状态，但最终在大结局中重新走到一起。
WHY PEOPLE GET BACK WITH THEIR EX
人们和前任复合的原因
Permanently breaking up with a partner can be very difficult. Even when a relationship is irretrievably broken (or even abusive), partners may love one another or experience intense infatuation and attraction.
和另一方完全斩断关系会非常困难。即使当一段感情不可挽回地结束（甚至具有虐待性）双方可能还会爱着另一方或对其痴迷。
A 2017 study identified numerous reasons for the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, including:
2017年的一项研究列出了感情分分合合这一循环的数种原因，其中包括：
1
Believing that problems in the relationship will improve or that the breakup may change a partner’s behavior.
相信感情中的问题会改善，或这次分手可能会让对方改过自新。
2
A strong sense of investment in the relationship.
觉得已经在这段感情中投入了很多。
3
Relationship ambivalence. For example, a person might dislike relationship conflict but feel intense love or trust for their partner.
多种（甚至矛盾）感情交织。例如，一个人可能不喜欢这段关系中的冲突，但对对方感到强烈的爱意和信任。
4
Uncertainty about the future, which may motivate couples both to break up and to later get back together.
对未来不确定，这可能会导致双方分手然后又走到一起。
5
A sense of familial duty. Even if a relationship is unhappy, partners may reunite because of family obligations.
出于家庭责任。即使这段感情不幸福，但双方可能依旧会出于家庭责任而复合。
6
Fear of being alone. Singlehood can be difficult, especially for someone who is accustomed to being in a relationship. For some people, such as those with separation anxiety or anxious attachment styles, being single can be scary. Even if a relationship is unhappy, loneliness can trigger a reconciliation.
害怕孤独。单身生活会很难，尤其是对于那些习惯处于感情关系中的人。对一些人而言，比如有分离焦虑或焦虑型依恋类型的人，单身状态可能会很恐怖。即使一段感情并不幸福，但孤独也可能会让二者复合。
BRINGING UP BAGGAGE
旧事重提
Everyone brings their life experiences to their relationships. These experiences color their expectations, their perceptions of what is normal, and their hopes and fears about the relationship. A reunion following a breakup is no different. However, it can be difficult for couples to separate the baggage from their prior relationship from the new relationship.
每个人都带着各自的生活经历走入一段感情，这些经历影响着他们对感情的期望，对正常和非正常迹象的评判标准，以及他们对这段感情的希望和恐惧等。分手之后的复合也同样如此。但是，双方可能很难将之前感情中的问题与新感情隔绝开来。
Research published in 2013 found that ongoing relationship churn makes it progressively more difficult to end the relationship. Couples trapped in a cycle of breaking up and making up report lower relationship satisfaction and greater uncertainty about the future of the relationship. Another 2013 study found that high-churn relationships had higher conflict than stable relationships, including relationships in which couples remained stably broken up.
2013年发布的一项调查显示，持续的分分合合，会让一段感情更难结束。陷入这种分手复合循环中的恋人/夫妻表示他们感情满意度更低，而且对这段感情未来走向的不确定性更高。2013年的另一项研究显示，分合率更高的感情关系中，冲突要多于稳定感情关系（其中也包括双方持续稳定处于分手状态的情形）。
This doesn’t mean that it is impossible for a relationship to succeed following a breakup. Some people even successfully remarry after an acrimonious divorce and are able to enjoy many years of happy marriage.
这并不意味着在分手之后就不可能让一段感情有结果。一些人甚至在和平离婚之后还会复婚并打造幸福美满婚姻。
To increase the odds of success a second—or third—time around, it’s important to identify what went wrong in the earlier relationship. A therapist may be able to help couples sort through old issues. Treating the new relationship as a fresh start may also help. Bringing up long-resolved emotional wounds, especially as a weapon in fights, can make it difficult to move forward.
要在第二次或第三次提高成功率，重要的是识别之前感情关系中的问题所在。心理咨询师可能能够帮助恋人/夫妻们理清过去的种种问题。将复合后的感情看作一段全新的开始，这也会有益。提起早已解决的情感伤痕，尤其是在争吵时将此作为武器，可能会让这段感情难以继续向前发展。
WHEN SHOULD YOU BREAK UP FOR GOOD?
何种情形下该永远分手？
Relationships in which there is abuse—including verbal, sexual, physical, or financial abuse—are not safe for either partner. Reuniting without addressing the abuse is a recipe for further abuse, and it may give the abusive partner greater control. Likewise, when a partner is abusive to children, reuniting can be traumatic to the kids and harmful to the entire family. Before considering a reunion, each partner must weigh the effects of the relationship on their physical and emotional wellbeing.
Abuse isn’t the only reason to break up for good. Some signs that a relationship is doomed include:
存在虐待的感情关系——包括语言、性、肢体或经济虐待——对任何一方都是不安全的。如果在不解决这一虐待问题之前就复合，这势必会导致虐待行为的继续，而且可能还会给施虐者更多控制权。同样，当一方虐待孩子，那么复合的话可能会对孩子有创伤，也会对整个家庭有害。在考虑复合之前，双方都必须衡量这段感情对他们生理和心理健康所造成的影响。虐待并非永远分手的唯一理由，一段感情注定没有好结果的迹象还包括：
Continually repeating old patterns.
不断重蹈覆辙。
01
Every couple has a few fights that repeat themselves. But if a couple continues to fight about the same things that caused the earlier break-up, this may indicate the relationship is beyond repair.
每对恋人/夫妻都有一些围绕相同问题而重复发生的争吵。但如果他们还会因为曾导致他们分手的问题而争吵，那么这可能意味着这段感情关系已经无法挽救了。
Getting back together without discussing relationship problems.
没有讨论感情中所存在的问题就复合了。
02
Couples who reunite without committing to sustained change tend to repeat the same patterns as before.
虽然复合，却不努力做出持久的改变，往往会导致这段感情重蹈覆辙。
Reuniting solely because of loneliness or jealousy.
仅仅处于孤独或嫉妒而复合。
03
Getting back together without a commitment to ongoing communication and relationship improvements can make the next breakup even more painful.
如果在复合后不重视沟通和感情改善，可能会让下次分手更痛苦。
A couples counselor may be able to help couples assess whether their relationship can be saved and what must happen to save it. Therapy can even ease the breakup process by offering support to each partner and helping couples transition to a different type of relationship. For parents of young children who must continue to co-parent, therapy can be particularly helpful.
感情关系咨询师可能能够帮助恋人/夫妻评估他们的感情是否可以被挽救，以及必须采取的挽救措施。专业咨询甚至可以通过向各方提供支持，帮助双方过渡至新关系形式的方式，让分手不那么令人难过。对于有年幼孩子且双方必须采取共同育儿方式抚养孩子的恋人/夫妻来说，专业咨询尤为有益。
Both partners do not have to go to therapy to see improvements. It takes two people to create relationship conflict. Individual therapy can help a person identify their role in the conflict. It may also help a person understand why they keep returning to the relationship. If the relationship ends, the right therapist can help ease feelings of grief, jealousy, or low self-esteem.
并非双方都必须参加咨询才可以改善感情关系。感情中的冲突往往是一个巴掌拍不响。个人咨询可以帮助一方识别自己在这一冲突中所扮演的角色，可能还会帮他/她理解为什么自己不断选择复合。如果这段感情结束，好的咨询师会帮助缓解痛苦、嫉妒和低自尊感等感受。
