An emotionally manipulative mother-in-law can cause substantial damage to an otherwise healthy relationship. The good news is, there are signs you can look for and ways you can deal with this problem.

When it comes to relationships, there are many issues that arise. At one point or the other,

may be money problems, trust issues, or simple family disagreements. But one of the stickiest issues may be an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law.

一位具有情感操纵性的岳母/婆婆会对一段其他各方面都很健康的感情造成严重损害。但好消息是，有一些迹象可以察觉，也有办法应对这一问题。在感情中，会发生很多问题，在不同时间点，可能会是经济问题，信任问题或只是家庭意见不合，但其中最棘手的，可能莫过于一位具有情感操纵性的岳母/婆婆。

Signs of an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law
情感操纵型岳母/婆婆的迹象

You see, not all relationship problems happen within the home. Sometimes they are spawned within the extended family. Here are a few signs that your mother-in-law is being manipulative, so you can try to understand why and protect your family.
并非所有感情问题都源于家中。有时这些问题来自亲戚。以下是一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆的迹象，通过这些迹象，你可以尝试了解为何会产生这些问题，以及如何保护自己家人。

01

She’s passive-aggressive
对方采用消极型攻击

One of the most insidious tactics used by emotionally manipulative in-laws is passive aggression. This treatment involves using heavy implications instead of obvious actions or statements. It’s an attitude or energy used to get some point across, and if you don’t get the point, your mother-in-law will get angry. She’s had plenty of time to show anger quietly and under most radars.

情感操纵型岳母/婆婆的一个最暗中作祟的策略就是消极型攻击。这种行为方式包含：大量含沙射影指桑骂槐而非采用明显的行为或陈述。对方会通过这种态度或方式试图暗示某种信息，如果你领悟不到这种暗示，对方就会生气。她有大量的时间以悄无声息，几乎不被察觉的方式表达愤怒。

02

She is always right
她永远正确

Look, you won’t be able to argue with your mother-in-law when she acts this way. When she decides she wants to buy a new set of chairs for your dining room or change your children’s clothing, she won’t be happy until she gets her way. Now, I’m not saying you should just give in to her every whim, but it’s not going to be easy to disagree with her because she simply “knows best”. And don’t forget, she’s never wrong.

当对方采用这种行为方式时，你根本无法与其争辩。当她决定想要给你的餐厅买一套新的餐椅，或者给你的孩子买新衣服时，如果得不到满足，她就永远不会开心。当然我并不是说你应该屈服于对方的每一个想法，但否定对方真的会困难重重，因为对方“懂得最多”，而且不要忘记，她永远不会错。

03

She doesn’t respect your boundaries
她不尊重你的个人界限

An emotionally manipulative mother-in-law will never respect the boundaries you set for your life. She will come over unannounced all the time. If you leave the door unlocked, she will just waltz right in. She will go inside, start cooking in your kitchen, and even make dinner plans without even consulting you first. There are absolutely no limits.

一位具有情感操纵性的岳母/婆婆永远不会尊重你的个人界限。她总是会突然拜访。如果你没锁门，她还会大摇大摆进来。她会进入你家，开始在你厨房做菜，甚至还会在不问你意见对的情况下就开始自作主张烧晚饭。限制？不存在的。

04

She’s competitive with you
她与你竞争

If your mother-in-law is always competing with you, then that is also manipulation. That insecurity I spoke of before drives her to compete with the things you do for your significant other.

This may include cooking her child’s favorite meals, buying expensive gifts, and whatever else it takes to better you. All this is done out of the fear that she no longer has a place in her child’s life. And this competition can be ruthless.

如果你的岳母/婆婆经常和你竞争攀比，那么这也是一种操纵。

当你为另一半做某些事时，我之前提到的那种不安全感驱使着她在这些事情上和你竞争。

这可能包括：为她的孩子做他/她最爱的食物，买昂贵的礼物，或其他任何能将你比下去的事情。这一切行为的背后动机都是恐惧，即害怕她在她自己孩子人生中再无一席之地。这种竞争会非常残酷无情。

05

She thinks you should be perfect
她认为你应该完美无缺

There’s nothing you can do to truly satisfy an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law. This is because she expects you to be perfect, and no one is perfect. But you see, no one will be good enough for her child, and the pressure she places on you will be immense. She will expect you to keep a spotless home and look ravishing at the same time. Her constant nitpicking will drain you.

你无论做什么都无法让一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆完全满意。这是因为她想让你变得完美，而没有人是完美的。但你看，没有人能配得上她的孩子，她在你身上施加的压力将会十分巨大。她会期望你把家打理得一尘不染，同时还需要让自己魅力四射。她无休止地鸡蛋里挑骨头会让你身心俱疲。

06

She will remind your partner of past relationships
她会向你另一半提起过去的感情经历

Some in-laws may innocently talk about girls from their son’s high school years or old friends from college. However, the manipulative ones will harp on past relationships over and over in an attempt to get a negative reaction from you. She wants to make you jealous, and with your jealousy, then say,

“Why are you being so jealous?”

In fact, it’s unwise to dominate the conversation with memories of past partners. They are in the past for a reason.

一些岳母/婆婆可能会毫无恶意地提起自己儿子高中时代的一些女同学或大学里的一些旧友，但操纵型岳母/婆婆则会一遍遍地提起自己孩子过去的感情经历，就为了让你做出负面反应。她想要让你感到嫉妒，而当你嫉妒时，她就会说：

“你为什么会吃醋？”

实际上，让对过去恋人的回忆成为话题主要内容，这并不明智。他们之所以成为前任，不是没有原因的。

07

She plays the victim well
她擅于扮演受害者

Beware of the mother-in-law that plays the victim. This is an emotionally manipulative individual. If your wife is gone out for a while and her mother comes by, be careful. This is a prime opportunity for your mother-in-law to stir up trouble and play the victim.

When she sees her daughter again, she can tell all sorts of lies about you and paint herself as innocent. When in truth, maybe nothing even happened, or worse yet, maybe she harassed you while her daughter was out. This behavior is clearly manipulative.

警惕扮演受害者的那些岳母/婆婆们。这是一种情感操纵型人群。如果你的妻子外出一段时间，她母亲来到你家，那么一定要小心，这是她兴风作浪并扮演受害者的绝佳机会。当她女儿回来后，她可能会编造关于你的各种谎言，并将自己勾画得完全无辜。而实际上，可能什么都没发生，甚至更糟糕的是，可能在她女儿不在家期间，她一直在烦扰你。这种行为很明显是充满操纵性的。

08

She’s an expert spy
她是专业级监视者

Sometimes a toxic mother-in-law shows her true colors by spying on you. You may think she’s not paying attention, but look closer.

Yes! That was a fake smile she flashed when you caught her eye. But when you looked the other way, she calculatingly tried to find every crack and imperfection in your demeanor. It’s chilling. Oh, and not to mention, she will come by and look through the window too if you don’t answer her knock at the door.

有时，一位毒性岳母/婆婆本性毕露的场景是监视你。你可能觉得她并没有在意你，但仔细看，对的！当你和她对视时你看到她嘴角闪过一抹假笑。但当你假装没注意到时，她会煞费心机地试图找出你行为中的每个瑕疵。这让人不寒而栗。而且，更别提当你不给她开门时，她还会扒着窗户朝里看。

09

She manipulates the children
她操纵孩子们

If you have children, she will talk badly about you to them, either in private or when you’re around. She may also let them do things that you told them not to do. And if your children saw something happen between you and your mother-in-law, she will reframe the incident to make you look like the bad guy.

And, of course, this makes her appear like the victim. You’ll notice she uses the victim mentality quite a bit, and with both your partner and the kids.

如果你有孩子，她会暗中或当着你的面给孩子讲你的坏话。她可能还会让孩子做那些你不允许孩子做的事情。如果你的孩子们看到你和你的岳母/婆婆之间有事发生，她会歪曲事实，让你看起来是不讲理的一方。

当然，这让她看起来像是受害者。你会注意到她无论在你另一半前或你的孩子面前，都会大量采用这种受害者思维。

10

She’s making you feel insecure
她让你有种不安全感

Since your emotionally manipulative mother-in-law has been using all these various tactics, you may have become insecure. And your insecurity, if you’re not careful, will also be used against you. She will notice every little doubt, as if she can read your mind. So, keep your mind well-guarded against her attacks. Your sudden insecurity is a big sign that she’s manipulating you.

由于对方一直采用上述各种策略，你可能会变得有不安全感。而如果你大意的话，对方还会用你的不安全感来攻击你。她会注意到你的每次细微自我质疑，仿佛她能读取你的思维一般。因此，尽力保护自己大脑不受对方攻击。如果你突然产生不安全感，很可能就意味着对方在操纵你。

11

She’s narcissistic
她很自恋

Sometimes manipulation is deeply ingrained in people. As for your mother-in-law, this could be the case as well. If she’s narcissistic, she will want to be the center of attention. She will interrupt you when you speak, and she will ruin your plans. If you made dinner reservations and she finds out, she will convince your partner to do something else at the same time.

And empathy will not be one of her strong suits. She probably doesn’t care how you feel.

有时，操纵性在一些人身上是根深蒂固的。你的岳母/婆婆可能也是同样如此。如果她很自恋，她就会想要成为注意力的焦点。那么当你谈话时她会打断你，她还会破坏你的计划方案。当你在某个餐厅预定了晚餐位子，并被她发现时，她会劝说你的另一半在同一时间去做其他事情。同理心永远都不会是她的强项。她也有很大概率并不在乎你的感受。

12

She only publicly loves you
她对你的爱只是在人前的表演

The thing about an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law is that she will show loads of love and affection for you… but only in public. That’s because she wants everyone outside of the family to see how kind and sweet she is, while behind closed doors, she’s something else entirely. The stark contrast in her behavior is astounding.

关于一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆，她会向你展示大量的爱意和喜爱，但是，只在公开场合才会如此。这是因为她想要家庭外的每个人都觉得她善良亲和，而实际上背地里她完全是另一副模样。这种行为上的反差令人惊愕。

So, what can you do?
那么，你能做些什么呢？

Well, here’s the thing, you can change this, but it won’t be easy. There are a few steps to put into place to protect yourself. Trust me, you will need to make sure your mental health is fortified when being attacked by an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law. Check this out:

事实上，你可以改变这一切，但这并非易事。有一些措施可以帮助你保护自己。相信我，当你被一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆攻击时，你需要强化自身精神健康程度。看以下措施：

1. Get your partner on board

拉另一半站在自己一边

You cannot change anything until you get your partner on board with what’s really going on. It seems like it should be obvious when manipulation is taking place, but it’s not, hence the word, “manipulation”. But if you can get your significant other to see some of the strange things that happen, maybe they can defend you.

如果你不能让你的另一半意识到正在发生的事情，你就永远无法改变这一切。看起来似乎操纵行为发生时应该是很一目了然的事情，但事实并非如此，所以才叫“操纵”。但如果你能够让你的另一半看到所发生的一些奇怪的事情，那么可能他们就能够捍卫你。

1. Keep a record

做记录

Whenever you can, take pictures of important things, people, places, or situations that can rebuke any lies told about you. Secretly record your mother-in-law when she’s saying negative things about you and keep this record for “evidence”. Write down facts and keep a journal about the manipulative occurrences, so you can reference back to this information later on.

尽可能对重要事情，人物，地点或情形拍下照片，用来驳斥任何关于你的谎言。当你的岳母/婆婆说一些关于你的坏话时，偷偷录下来当作证据。写下所发生的事实，对操纵行为用记日记的方式记录下来，这样方便日后参照。

1. Set stronger boundaries

设定更坚定界限

If your boundaries are being broken, set stronger ones. Make a rule that everyone needs to call before coming over to visit. I know this sounds harsh, but if your mother-in-law does not respect your personal time and your home, it’s time to change the rules. You can also designate a certain day of the week when you do not accept visitors.

如果你的界限被侵犯，那么设定更坚定界限。制定规矩，规定每个人在拜访你家前都必须先打电话。我知道这听起来不近人情，但如果你的岳母/婆婆不尊重你的个人时间和家庭空间，那么就意味着该调整规矩了。你还可以指定每周特定一天不接待任何访客。

1. Stay strong and guard your self-esteem

坚定捍卫个人自尊感

Most importantly, don’t let your mother-in-law affect your self-worth. You know who you are, so don’t let someone else change that. Although these manipulative actions can be draining, it’s important to do whatever you need to stay healthy. If you need to walk away, do it. If you need to take a drive, go. Please do if you need to get away from a toxic situation.

最重要的是，不要让对方影响到你的自我价值感。你对自己最了解，不要让别人改变这一点。尽管这些操纵行为会让你感到身心俱疲，但你需要记得尽可能保护自己的健康。如果你需要走开，那么就走开，如果你需要兜风，那就去兜风。如果你需要离开某一毒性场景，那么就离开！

One last thought
写在最后

If you have an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law, it’s common. Many of us do. The good news is that sometimes you can help her change. If the case is that your mother-in-law is feeling insecure and latching onto her child, you can soothe that pain. Sometimes, let her win. Sometimes, let her cook your partner’s favorite dish.

I think it’s about a healthy balance of compromise and assertiveness. But the bottom line is, you’re going to have to be the judge of that yourself. Ask yourself this,

“What am I dealing with here?”

So, I wish you happiness, educated discernment, and good mental health. Be blessed and good luck.

如果你也有一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆，那么这并不罕见。很多人都有这种岳母/婆婆。好消息是，有时你可以帮助她实现改变。如果情况是你的岳母/婆婆存在不安全感，所以粘着自己的孩子，你可以帮着抚慰这种痛苦。有时，让她赢。有时，让她去给你的另一半做他/她最爱吃的菜。一切都归结于在妥协和坚定之间实现一种健康的平衡，但关键在于，你需要自己来判断这一平衡点应保持在哪儿。问自己“我现在究竟在面对什么问题？”祝愿你幸福，具有明智辨别力，拥有健康精神状态。上帝保佑你，好运常相伴！

It starts innocently enough. You meet someone through a mutual friend, or on a dating app, and after a few dates, there’s a funny feeling in your stomach, an indicator that this person is different. Special. There’s something about them, you think. Time seems to fly by and after a few months, you’re convinced your soul mate has arrived because the emotion you feel is strong enough to power a city. I’m in love, you think, as you re-read old text messages and scroll through their Instagram feed.

这段感情的开端足够单纯。你们通过某位共同好友或者在某约会软件相识，在约会数次后，你心中有种奇妙感觉，这表明对方与其他人不同，很特别。你觉得他们有种特别之处。时间如若飞逝，在数月之后，你坚信你已经找到了你的灵魂伴侣，因为你所感受到的澎湃感情足以为整个城市提供能源。当你重读之前信息，或浏览对方Instagram页面时，“我陷入爱河了”，你想。

You ride a wave of bliss and cannot for one second imagine the feeling coming to an end, and with that kind of optimism, you pack up your stuff and move in together. When you know, you know, you tell your friends and family.

你内心充满幸福甜蜜，甚至无法想象这一感觉会停止。带着这种乐观，你收拾好自己的行李，开始和对方同居。“当你知道时，你自然就会知道。”你这样告诉你的朋友和家人。

And then you wake up one morning and realize that your soul mate, your one and only, your forever and ever love, is actually doing things that to you seem illogical and if you're honest with yourself, kind of stupid.

然后，一天早晨你醒来，你发现你的灵魂伴侣，你的唯一，你永远的爱，却在做着某些在你看来完全不合逻辑，而且坦白说，有些愚蠢的事情。

They wait until the last minute to get things done. They don’t seem at all concerned that they're always late to social gatherings or to work. They don't wash their fruit before they eat it, and they don't seem to know how to drive. They spend money with no budget in mind, and they never seem to be worried about the future. They have no sense of organization, and you are always cleaning up after them.

他们总是拖延到最后一刻，他们似乎完全不在乎总是在聚会或工作中迟到，他们吃水果之前并不会洗一下，他们似乎也不懂如何开车。他们花钱毫无预算概念，而且似乎从来不会考虑未来。他们毫无条理性，你总是跟在他屁股后面帮他整理烂摊子。

You’ve always been the planner, the organizer, the mothership of proactive measures, and as you see their terrible habits playing out, you worry that your relationship won’t go the distance. Having always been told that you are a generous, kind-hearted, and compassionate person, you embark on a mission to help your partner become a better version of themselves: to coach them into perfection.

你一直扮演着规划者，整理者的角色，你制定所有主动措施。当你看到他们的不良习惯浮现，你开始担忧这段感情并不会长久。一直被告知你是一个慷慨，善良和富有同情心之人，你开始踏上了履行一个使命的征程：帮助你的伴侣成为更好的人，指导对方变得完美。

With patience, you encourage them to make different choices. “Maybe you should try getting up earlier,” you say. “Maybe we can sit down and look at your finances and help you budget.”

你很耐心地鼓励对方做不同的选择。“或许你该尝试早起一些，”你说。“或许我们可以坐下来，看一下你的财务问题，帮你制定预算。”

Soon enough, most of your sentences begin with “Don’t forget to…” or “Remember that you need to…” and although you started off with a great deal of patience, you see that none of your efforts are working. Your partner’s still doing the same annoying things, and now you’re annoyed, angry, and frustrated because they don’t appreciate how much you’re trying to help them. After all, isn’t that what love is all about? Coaching our partners and helping them to be better versions of themselves?

很快，你的大多数句子都起始于“不要忘记……”“记得你需要……”尽管一开始你带着大量的耐心，但你发现你的一切努力都徒劳无功。对方依旧死性不改，于是你变得恼怒，生气，沮丧，因为你觉得对方对你的帮助并不领情。毕竟，难道这不就是爱情本该有的样子吗？指导并帮助对方成为他们更好的自己？

Well, no.

呃，并非如此！

Why are you raising your partner?
你为什么在抚养你的另一半？

All of us arrive in relationships with a particular set of beliefs, perspectives, and values that are born from our own experiences and upbringing. No two people are ever the same, and how you show up in a relationship is likely a product of what you experienced long before your partner looked into your eyes and made the world spin a little faster.

我们所有人在进入一段感情时都带着一套特定的理念/观点和价值观，它们来自于我们的人生经历和被养育过程。没有任何两个人是完全一样的。你在一段感情中所呈现的样子，是你往昔经历的产物，而且这些经历远在你的另一半凝视你双眸，让你心中小鹿乱撞很久之前就已经发生。

If you always slip into a pattern of “raising” your partner, consider that maybe you saw the same dynamic playing out in the relationship between your parents. Having been modeled for you for all of your childhood, it may have registered as the normal, healthy dynamic between two people who love each other.

如果你总是会陷入抚养另一半的感情模式，那么考虑其原因可能是这是你在你父母之间看到的感情模式。童年时期你一直耳濡目染，它可能会让你觉得这是两个相爱之人之间的正常/健康模式。

Perhaps you got well-intentioned advice over and over again from friends and family members. I remember talking to a friend of mine about some of my frustrations early on in my marriage. “Don’t worry,” she said. “You just need to train him.” Train him? I thought. I married a human being, not a Labrador retriever.

也可能是来自亲朋好友的一遍又一遍善意的建议。我记得和我一个朋友讲述我在刚结婚时遇到的一些受挫情况时。“别担心，”她说，“你只是需要训练他。”训练他？我想。我嫁给的是一个人，不是一只拉布拉多。

Another reason might be that your partner’s way of existing in the world actually causes you a great deal of distress, because it is wildly different from how you have chosen to live your own life. So when you endeavor to “help” your partner, to mold them, train them, and change them to fit your own beliefs and worldview, perhaps you're trying to mitigate your own discomfort with things being contrary to what you believe.

还有一个原因可能是对方的生活方式的确给你造成了很大痛苦，因为他的生活方式与你所选择的生活方式差异巨大。因此，当你试图去“帮助”你的另一半，去塑造对方，训练对方，按照你的理念和世界观改变对方时，可能你只是在缓解面对与自己理念相悖之事物时所产生的不适感。

Maybe it’s just easier and safer to focus on someone else rather than on yourself. There’s a part of you that recognizes there’s some stuff you haven’t processed, some hard truths about yourself you don’t want to face; turning your attention on your partner seems like a sound strategy to avoid feeling uncomfortable. After all, if you were conditioned to believe that being anything less than perfect is unacceptable, it’s not logical that you would then grow up to be an adult who can embrace your vulnerabilities. It makes more sense to avoid them altogether.

可能只是因为聚焦于别人，而非自己，这样更简单，更安全。你内心有一部分意识到你自己还存在某种未解决的问题，还有一些你不想面对的，关于自己的残酷真相，于是，将注意力转向另一半，似乎就是一个良好的策略，它可以让你避免感到不适。毕竟，如果你被灌输一定要完美才可以，那么你长大成人后就不大可能会接受自己的脆弱之处。这时候，完全回避这些脆弱之处，似乎就是较为合理的做法。

If you experienced a great deal of uncertainty, instability, or traumatic losses throughout your childhood, this may have impacted how you manage your day-to-day now. Your way of establishing safety and stability in the world may have manifested as an emphasis on controlling every area of your life; you plan every step and do everything in your power to avoid feeling the same fear, sadness, and hurt that you may have felt as a child. Your partner forging their own path may trigger an alarm that things are not safe, which means you need to control every aspect of your life, and also theirs.

如果你在童年时期经历了大量的不确定性，不稳定性，或失去过某些重要的人或物且这些失去给你留下了创伤，这可能也会影响你的日常行为方式。你在这个世界上构建安全感和稳定感的方式，可能表现为侧重于控制生活中每个方面。你会规划每一步，尽己所能避免再次感受到童年时期所感受到的那些恐惧，悲伤和伤痛。你的另一半按照自己方式生活，可能会触发你内心的警报，让你感到不安全，让你觉得你需要控制你生活和对方生活中的一切。

How it impacts your sex life
这对你的性生活有何影响

If you have noticed that your sex life has dropped off, if you no longer reach for each other the moment you’re in the same room, it may be that the interactions between you have become too parental, which is not the sexiest dynamic in the world.

如果你注意到你们性生活已经热情消退，你们同处一室时不再互相触碰对方，那么你们之间的感情模式可能就变得过于亲子化，而这种感情模式并非世界上最性感的感情模式。

When you channel all of your energy toward making sure your partner is improving, changing, progressing, and growing, you run the risk of forgetting two important factors: They never asked you for help, and they managed to survive before they met you. Rather than change and grow, they remain firmly entrenched in their ways, and you end up feeling exhausted, frustrated, resentful, and worst of all, unappreciated. This is not a recipe for an active sex life.

当你将所有精力倾注在提升对方，改变对方，让对方前进，成长时，你可能就面临着忘却两项重要因素的风险：

对方从未要求你提供帮助，而且在遇到你之前他们也活的好好的。

对方并未改变和成长，而是依旧固执坚持原来的种种习惯，你则最终感到精疲力尽，受挫沮丧，充满怨恨，而且最糟糕的是，觉得不被珍惜。这可不是构建幸福性生活的配方。

If you are the person being parented, you might be feeling like a 5-year-old who's constantly getting in trouble or trying to get things right so that your partner doesn’t get upset with you. This too may kill any desire for intimacy you may have had when you first met, because you’re starting to feel like you moved in with a younger version of your parent. Again, not sexy.

如果你是被“抚养”的那一方，你可能会觉得自己像是一个5岁小孩，一直担心招惹麻烦，或战战兢兢如履薄冰生怕惹对方不开心。这也可能会扼杀任何你们刚相识时所感受到的亲密欲望，因为你开始觉得和你同居在一起的是你年轻版的父母。同样，这也毫无性感可言。

So what do you do?
该如何做？

Make a decision as to whether or not you really want to stay in your relationship. You may have to explore what drew you to them in the first place and ask yourself some tough questions: Do I really love them? What, exactly, do I love? If you are hyper-focused on the things that bother you, it’s easy to forget the important stuff: Maybe you share the same values, maybe you both want the same things, maybe you share the same faith. Remembering these things can help you determine whether or not you want to stay or throw in the towel.

决定自己是否真的想继续这段感情。首先，你可能需要探究最初是什么让你觉得对方有吸引力，并问自己一些很艰难的问题：我真的爱对方吗？我究竟爱的是什么呢？如果你过度关注那些困扰你的事情，可能就很易于忘记一些重要的事情：可能你们拥有相同的价值观，可能你们都追求同样的事物，可能你们有着共同的信仰。记住，这些事情可以帮助你决定你是否真的想要继续这段感情。

Focus on yourself. Rather than focusing on your partner’s habits, make a conscious effort to turn inward and explore your own relationship expectations and perspectives. Working with a therapist can help you identify and understand stubborn patterns that perhaps you want to change, and help you challenge old beliefs about yourself and/or relationships that have never really served you.

关注自身，而非关注对方的习惯，主动内省，探究自己对感情的期望和视角。寻求心理医生的帮助，这可以帮助你识别并理解自己需要改变的一些固有行为模式，帮助你质疑你对自己，以及往昔负面/毒性感情关系一贯持有的观点看法。

Relinquish control. I would be lying if I said this was easy, because having control may have always been your way of feeling safe and secure, or maybe this was how you learned to express love. Whatever the reason, when you endeavor to explore other paths that are outside of your comfort zone, it might feel terrifying, or it may seem like entirely too much work.

放弃控制欲。如果我说这很简单，那么我肯定是在撒谎，因为掌控感可能一直以来都是你获得安全感的方式，可能也是你所学到的表达爱的方式。无论原因是什么，当你尝试探索自己舒适区之外的路径时，你可能感到恐惧，或者感到很难招架。

But if you’ve realized that you do love the person, and you want the relationship to work, remind yourself constantly that the only thing over which you have real agency is you. No amount of well-intentioned effort on your part will ever change someone who hasn’t first recognized the changes they’d like to make for themselves.

但如果你意识到你真的很爱对方，而且你也想要这段感情修成正果，那么不断提醒自己：你唯一真正能控制的，是自己。如果一个人并未首先意识到自己想要做出某种改变，那么，无论你做出多么善意的努力，都不会令其改变的。

Be a team, not adversaries. If your partner’s up for it, seek a couple’s therapist. Sometimes you can fall into the trap of thinking that your partner is the problem, or perhaps they think you’re the problem. A therapist may help you see that neither you nor they are the problem, but that there is a problem, and it can be resolved by working together, not independently.

成为一个团队，而非敌人。如果对方愿意，可以寻求婚姻咨询师的帮助。有时你们可能会陷入这样一个陷阱，即，都觉得对方才是问题所在。婚姻咨询师可能会帮助你们看到问题并不在于你们，但的确是存在某种问题，而且你们可以共同努力来解决这一问题，而非只靠一方单独解决。

Talking to someone doesn’t have to mean that your relationship is coming to an end. I’ve worked with couples that simply want to work on understanding each other better, and to improve how they resolve conflicts and challenges.

寻求咨询师帮助，并不意味着你们的感情走到了终点。我曾有一些客户，他们单纯只是想要更好地理解对方，提升他们解决冲突和挑战的方式。

Conclusion
结论

No matter how you show up in relationships, know that it is not something to be judged, but to be explored, understood, and appreciated because there's value and purpose to be found in all of our experiences. The more you understand yourself, the better you can do what might seem impossible: accept your partner for who they are, and not for who you want them to be.

无论你以何种方式出现在一段感情中，都需要知道，这并不应该被指手画脚地评判，而是需要被探索，被理解，被珍惜，因为在我们所有经历中都存在某种价值和目的。你对自己理解得越充分，你就能够更好地完成那些看起来似乎不可能的事：接受另一半本身的样子，而非你想让他/她成为的样子。

Synchronicity is a phenomenon in which people interpret two separate—and seemingly unrelated—experiences as being meaningfully intertwined, even though there is no evidence that one led to the other or that the two events are linked in any other causal way. Though many people perceive signs or spiritual meaning in synchronistic events, most scientists believe that such events are more likely coincidences that only seem meaningful due to aspects of human thinking such as confirmation bias.

共时，是指这样一种现象：人们将两个完全独立，或看起来无关的两件事解读为以某种有意义的方式关联在一起，尽管并无证据可以证明二者互为因果或存在其他任何联系。

尽管很多人在共时事件中解读出了某种信号或宗教意义，但大多数科学家却认为这类事件更可能只是纯粹巧合，只不过是因为人类思维的特定方面，比如确认偏见等而看起来富有意义。

Understanding Synchronicity
理解共时

The concept of synchronicity was developed by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung in the early 1900s. Jung himself believed in synchronicity, which he defined as “meaningful coincidences." He wrote extensively about the concept.

共时概念由精神治疗师和心理分析师卡尔·荣格于20世纪初期提出。荣格个人相信“共时”，他将其定义为“富有意义的巧合。”围绕这一概念，他著述颇多。

However, most scientists today consider the idea that coincidences are meaningful to be non-scientific. Instead, many argue that factors such as confirmation bias offer a more compelling explanation: People seek out information to support their ideas and ignore information that challenges them.

但当今的大多数科学家都认为“巧合是富有意义的”这一观点并不科学。他们认为“确认偏见”等因素能够更好地解释这类现象。确认偏见，是指人们会找出那些可以确认自己观点的信息，而忽视那些挑战自己观点的信息。

What is an example of synchronicity?
示例

Synchronicity may be as simple as seeing a word repeatedly and looking for meaning in that experience. In a more complex example, imagine that someone has a dream about an old friend; shortly after, he runs into her. He may believe the events signify something about the friendship, while in reality, they are likely coincidental.

共时，可以是一些简单情形，比如不断看到某个词出现，并在这种巧合中寻找意义。也有较为复杂的情形，比如，一个人梦到了一位老朋友，不久之后就真的碰到了她。他可能认为这传递着关于他们友情的某种信号。但实际上，这可能只是巧合而已。

Who invented the concept of synchronicity?
谁提出了“共时”概念？

Synchronicity was first defined by Carl Jung in the 1920s and explored throughout his career. It has been subsequently studied by physicists such as Wolfgang Pauli, parapsychologists, and some psychoanalysts and Jungian scholars.

这一概念最早由卡尔·荣格于20世纪30年代被定义，对这一概念的研究贯穿他整个职业生涯。之后，也有很多人继续研究这一概念，如Wolfgang Pauli（沃尔夫冈-泡利）等物理学家；一些超心理学家（研究超自然现象或事件的领域）以及一些精神分析师和荣格学派学者等。

Is synchronicity real?
“共时”真实存在吗？

Many modern researchers regard the study of synchronicity as pseudoscience. Synchronistic events can occur randomly, and it may be impossible to scientifically test whether they are, in fact, connected in some meaningful way. What’s more, many instances of synchronicity can be better explained by modern psychological concepts, such as confirmation bias or hindsight bias.

很多现代研究者都将对共时的研究视为伪科学。共时事件会随机发生，而且可能也无法以科学方式测验它们是否的确存在某种有意义的关联。不仅如此，很多共时事件都能够通过现代心理学概念得到更好的解释：比如确认偏见和后见之名偏见等。

What is the difference between coincidence and synchronicity?
巧合与共时，二者有何区别？

Coincidence and synchronicity are related but distinct terms. The term “coincidence” describes a seemingly related series of events that occur without apparent cause. The term “synchronicity” requires that the individual ascribe deeper meaning to the coincidence; indeed, Carl Jung described synchronicity as “meaningful coincidences.”

巧合和共时，二者虽有关联但并不相同。巧合，是指看起来相关联但却没有明显缘由而发生的一系列事件。共时，则需要人为巧合事件赋予更深层意义。卡尔-荣格将共时描述为“富有意义的巧合”。

Are coincidences common?
巧合是否普遍？

In general, yes—particularly because human brains can find “coincidences” in almost anything. Though it’s often not possible to test how likely a particular coincidence is, certain coincidences—like meeting someone with the same birthday—have a measurable probability. A statistical adage known as The Law of Very Large Numbers suggests that in a big enough sample, any so-called “coincidence” is likely to occur.

整体而言，是的，特别是因为人类大脑几乎能够在任何事物中寻找到“巧合”。尽管通常并不可能测验某一特定巧合的发生概率，但某些特定巧合，比如遇到一个同生日之人，却的确是存在可测量的概率的。根据一个被称为“大数定律/法则”的统计学定理，在一个足够大的样本中，任何被称为“巧合”的事件都是有可能发生的。

Why Humans Seek Meaningful Patterns
为何人类会寻找有意义的规律？

It can be easy to spot patterns that don’t truly exist. Why are people so susceptible to this tendency? Experts theorize that, from an evolutionary perspective, pattern recognition was likely beneficial for survival: Ancient human ancestors learned to predict possible threats. For instance, they might realize that predators appear at a particular time of day, so it’s safest to stay hidden.

我们很容易会无中生有地去发现“规律”。为什么人们如此易于有这种倾向呢？专家给出的理论是，从进化论角度来看，识别规律是有益于生存的：古人类祖先学会了预测潜在威胁。例如，他们可能会意识到狩猎者在一天中特定时段出现，这样这段时间里最安全的做法就是藏起来。

Humans impose structure and meaning on their lives. If they come across two events that seem related, they might categorize them together, even if there’s no objective relationship between the two.

人类也会为生活赋予结构和意义。如果他们遇到两个看起来相关联的事件，他们可能就会将其归为一类，即使二者之间并无客观联系。

Why do I see patterns in everything?
为什么我在任何事物中都能看到规律？

The human brain is designed to identify patterns. While this tendency can be useful, it may lead someone to over-interpret a random occurrence or perceive a pattern where none exists. Individuals vary in their tendency to recognize patterns; those who ascribe greater significance to patterns may be more likely to notice them.

人类大脑天生就具有识别规律的能力。尽管这一倾向会很有用，但可能会让人过度解读某一随机现象或无中生有地寻找规律。个体之间规律识别能力各不相同，更重视规律之人可能会更易于注意到规律。

Why do I see the same word or number everywhere?
为什么我到处都看到相同的词或数字？

Feeling that one is seeing the same word or number in multiple places could be the result of confirmation or hindsight bias. Although different words and numbers have different probabilities of appearing—meaning that some repeated sightings are statistically less likely than others—ascribing meaning to such coincidences is an example of synchronicity.

感到在多个地方都看到相同的词或数字，可能是因为确认偏见或后见之明偏见。尽管不同的词和数字有着不同的出现概率——这意味着从统计学上来讲，一些词或数字重复出现的概率要低于其他数字——为这些巧合赋予意义，也是“共时性”的例子之一。

Is pattern recognition a sign of intelligence?
识别规律是智力的一种表现吗？

Excellent visual or logical pattern recognition skills are strongly correlated with high cognitive ability. For this reason, test of pattern recognition are included in most IQ tests. However, excessive pattern recognition—seeing patterns where none actually exist—may be an indicator of certain mental health conditions, such as psychosis.

出色的视觉或逻辑规律识别技能与高水平认知能力密切相关，因此，在大多数智力测试中都包含规律识别测试。但过度识别规律——以至于无中生有——可能意味着某种精神健康疾病，如神经症等。

Are coincidences a sign?
巧合是一种信号吗？

Spiritual individuals may interpret coincidences as signs from God or the universe. However, there is no way to scientifically test these beliefs. While seeing coincidences as signs can provide a sense of purpose, following them too closely can lead to ignoring critical evidence. It’s best to weigh common sense, intuition, and verifiable facts when interpreting coincidences.

信奉某种宗教的人可能会将巧合视为来自上帝或宇宙的信号。但对此并无法从科学方面予以测试。尽管将巧合视为信号，可以给人一种目标感。但过度信奉它们可能会让人对关键证据视若无睹。在解读巧合时最好也衡量常识、直觉和可核实的事实等因素。

Seeing the “bigger picture” is a slang term used to describe widening your perspective to get a clearer view of what really matters, and what doesn’t.

有“大局”观，是指扩大自己的视角范围，让自己更清晰辨别重要和非重要事项。

Because seeing the bigger picture is all about perspective, it’s subjective by nature and less of an exact science. Never-the-less, there are scientific principles that can boost your ability to see the bigger picture.

由于所谓的大局观，是一种观点，因此其本质上是主观的，而非一种严谨的科学。但在提升大局观能力上，却的确存在科学的准则。

In order to fully see the ‘bigger picture’ it’s vital to take onto account as many perspectives as possible in order to gain a deeper understanding for all sides of the truth.

为全面看到大局，需要尽可能考虑到更多的视角，从而能够更深入了解真相的所有方面。

Increasing your ability to see the ‘Bigger Picture’ increases self-awareness, can give you more control over your life, more control over your emotions, actions, behavior, and with increased awareness comes a sense of calmness which reduces daily anxiety.

提升个人的“大局观”能力，个人的自我觉察能力（自知力）也能够相应提升，从而自己能够更好掌控人生，更好地控制个人情绪、举措、行为。而且，随着个人觉察力地提升，随之而来地是一种宁静感，这种宁静感可以降低日常焦虑。

Understanding the “Bigger Picture”
了解“大局”

Big picture thinking is a broadening of your perspective by looking at the wholeness of all context in any given situation.

大局思维，是指拓宽个人视角，拓宽方式是：在任何既定条件下，看到全面整体背景。

In a 2018 study, published by Ohio State university, psychology experts define someone who has a “big picture” perspective as an individual with a “high-level construal”. Construal, meaning understanding.

在2018年俄亥俄州立大学发布的一项研究中，心理学专家将拥有“大局观”之人定义为：“具备高级解释水平的个体。”这里的“解释水平”，即理解力之意。

In a clear definition of big picture thinking, according to ScienceDaily, “High-level construal allows you to step back and see the consequences of your decision and to see more clearly the best way to allocate resources,”

根据 ScienceDaily对大局思维所作出的明确定义，“拥有高解释水平，可以让你后退一步，看到自己决策的后果，更清晰看到如何以最佳方式分配资源。”

One of the leaders of the study, Dr. Paul Stillman, says that seeing the “bigger picture” is fostered by creating mental and emotional distance from the decision. Being subjective and open minded to the possibility that you could be wrong.

该研究的领导人物之一 Paul Stillman博士表示：看到“大局”，这一能力的养成方式是：与决策之间保持精神和情绪上的距离。接受“自己可能是错的”这一可能性。

In the study, Stillman and his colleagues found that people tended to make the most efficient decisions, with the most overall value, when they looked at the bigger picture. In other words, the best decision makers were able to see ‘the forest through the trees’.

在本研究中，Stillman和其同事们发现当人们眼观大局时，他们往往会达成最高效的、整体价值最高的决策。换言之，最佳决策者不会被一叶障目。

Since scientific evidence has proven that ego’s warp our sense of reality, It’s also important to set your ego aside when looking at the bigger picture as you do not want to filter your bigger picture perspective through your ego.

鉴于科学证据已经表明，我们的ego（自我）能够扭曲我们对现实的认知，因此当试图看到大局时，需要摆脱自己的ego，因为你不需要通过你的ego滤镜来审视全局。

How Big, Is The Bigger Picture
当我们说大局时，是指多大呢？

The Universe And Our Place With-In it

宇宙和我们在其中所处位置

Understanding the bigger picture, is all about understanding context.

了解大局，本质上在于了解事物背景。

With-in the context of the United States in the year 1800, the presidential election of 1800 seemed massively important. However, looking at the Bigger Picture 200 years later, you’ll be hard pressed to find anyone who thinks the election of 1800 was a big deal at all.

在1800年美国这一时空背景下，1800年的总统选举似乎极其重要。但如果在200年之后的背景下来看，则很难找到任何觉得1800年选举是件大事之人。

Within the context of the entire cosmos and infinite universe, nothing our human civilization is currently doing matters.

在整个无尽浩瀚宇宙背景下来看的话，整个人类文明当前在做的事情都毫无意义。

According to Dr. Sean Carroll, a theoretical physicist at the California Institute of Technology, there is much that we don’t know about the universe, but there is also much that we do know. The universe is large, and we are small.

根据加州理工学院理论物理学家 Sean Carroll博士的观点，我们对宇宙不了解之处还有很多，但我们了解的也不少。宇宙很大，我们很小。

He says , “Our lives are short against the span of cosmic history”, but the fact that we contemplate and care about the people and environment around us brings meaning to our existence.

他说：从浩瀚宇宙历史来看，人生如白驹过隙。但我们守望相助，关爱环境，这就为我们的存在带来了意义。

Dr. carroll believes that humans, as higher-level creatures, have the ability to construct purpose for ourselves.

Carroll博士相信，人类作为更高级生物，有能力为其自身构建使命感。

So how big is the bigger picture?

“大局”究竟有多大呢？

It’s as big as we want it to be. When looking for big picture solutions to life or a big picture understanding to work problems, there’s always a higher level of contextual understanding that can explored for a deeper and longer term perspective.

这取决于我们想让它有多大。当希望着眼于大局为人生问题寻找解决方案，或希望从大局视角理解工作中的问题时，我们总是可以将这些问题放在更宏观全面的背景中去审视，从而获得更深刻、更长期化的视角。

Are You A Big Picture Thinker Or A Detailed Thinker?
你是大局思维者还是细节思维者？

Big picture thinking is a skill than anyone can develop, but like any skill, some people are naturally geared towards big picture thinking, and some people are naturally geared toward detail oriented thinking.

Without detailed oriented thinking, big picture thinkers would never have their visions come to reality. And without big picture thinking, detailed oriented thinkers may end up lost in the weeds. it take a balance of both types of thinking to optimize value.

大局思维是任何人都可以培养的技能，但同其他任何技能一样，一些人天生比较倾向于大局思维，而一些人则天生倾向于细节思维。

没有细节思维的话，大局思维者的愿景永远都不会实现，而没有大局思维，细节思维者则会被乱花渐欲迷人眼。想要获得最优解，需要在两种思维之间找到平衡。

Characteristics of Big Picture Thinking
大局思维特征：

You quickly notice patterns in problems.

You have a low tolerance for routine details, tedious errands, and busywork.

You are great at outlining goals for what needs to be done. But you get tired quickly when you start getting into the smaller more tedious details that need to be done to achieve the goals.

Most people find big picture thinkers creative and innovative.

能够很快意识到问题的规律。

对常规细节和繁琐任务等容忍度较低。

擅长为所需完成的任务规划整体目标，但当开始着手于为实现这些目标而必须完成的繁琐细节时，你开始很快感到厌倦。

大多数人发现大局思维者充满创造力和创新力。

Characteristics of a Detail-Oriented Thinker
细节思维的特征

You tend to dwell on the ins and outs of a project’s specifics.

You enjoy optimizing the inner workings of something that already exists instead of starting from scratch and creating something new.

You are analytical.

You tend not to like change and can becomes frustrated if things change too much or with-out proper notice.

You fear failure and not doing things the right way.

你往往会沉溺于一个项目的具体细节。

你喜欢优化某一已存在事物的内在工作原理，而非从头开始创造一个新事物。

你善于分析。

你不喜欢变化。如果事情变化太大或者没有合理提前通知，你会感到很受挫。

你害怕失败，害怕犯错。

How To See The Big Picture?
如何看到大局？

To see the big picture you need as much information to inform your opinion as you can gather.To gather a better understanding for truth you need data. And the best way to get data, is to understand as many perspective‘s as possible.

想要看到大局，你需要尽可能获得更多的信息。想要更好地理解真相，你需要数据。而获得数据的最佳方法，就是尽可能理解更多的视角。

What problems are you facing? What is the root cause of those problems? How do you know for sure that you’re right?What are the best solutions? Have you looked at everything from all perspective to make sure you have the best solution.

你当前面临的问题是什么？这些问题的根本原因是什么？你如何确信你是正确的？

最佳解决方案是什么？你是否已经从各个视角全盘审视以确保你当前做出的是最佳解决方案呢？

Are you thinking big enough?

Is your perspective being overshadowed by your ego or a bigger yet perspective that you’re not seeing?

These are the types of questions we need to be asking ourselves when looking at the bigger picture.

你的思维是否足够宏观？

你的视角是否被你的ego所蒙蔽？或者是否还有一种更宏观的视角你并没有看到？

这些都是当你试图眼观大局时需要自问的问题。

Tips To Help You See the “Big Picture” With Clarity
如何清晰看到“大局”

1. Avoid Getting “Caught Up In The Weeds

“避免被乱花迷眼

The first step in becoming a big picture thinker is to break the habits that prevent us from zooming out. If you’re detail-oriented, you tend to look for perfection.

成为大局思考者的第一步，是打破避免我们着眼大局的那些习惯。如果你是细节型思考者，你往往会追求完美。

Research shows that too much attention to detail in the early stages of a project can actually promote failure. If you’re constantly fixing and changing things from day dot, you may end up giving up or scrapping the project completely.

研究显示，在项目早期阶段过多关注细节实际上可能会增加失败风险。如果从一开始就不断修补更改，最终可能会彻底放弃或取消这一项目。

Focus on the end goal and constantly remind yourself of it. When you think you’re spending too much time on the wider picture, remember what it is you are striving for. This will help to remind you what you need to do and keep you from jumping down the detail rabbit hole.

聚焦最终目标，不断提醒自己着眼于最终目标。当你觉得你在”大局“上面花费了过多时间时，记住自己在追求的最终目标。这会提醒你所需完成的任务，并避免你坠入细节之无底洞。

Work as a team and delegate certain tasks to also help to move the project forward. With several people working towards the same goal, you can get the same level of high-quality work without sacrificing deadlines.

与团队一起工作，适当放权，也可以有助于推进项目。几个人一起朝着共同的目标前进，这样工作质量并不会降低，而且也会按时完成。

When you see the bigger picture in life you begin to understand where you are heading. At this point you can strategize and refocus your attention on your future goals and timelines instead of focusing on minor obstacles.

当你能够着眼大局，你开始明白自己前进的方向。这时候，就可以策略化调整注意力，将其重新聚焦于未来目标和时间线上，而非被小障碍一叶障目。

Both big picture thinking and detail-oriented thinking is important in life. And, it is possible (and necessary) to do both. But don’t get caught up in the weeds for too long.

大局思维和细节思维在人生中同样重要。是可以，也需要兼顾二者。不要花太多时间沉溺细节之中。

1. Ask Lots of Questions to Maximize Understanding

询问大量问题，以尽可能获得全面理解。

Big picture thinkers do not dwell on the minute details. But that doesn’t mean they don’t ask questions about minute details. According to Harvard professor Leslie K. John, who specializes in negotiation, asking questions is a uniquely powerful tool for unlocking value and naturally improving our emotional intelligence.

大局思维者不会耽于细枝末节的细节之中。但这并不意味着他们不会询问关于细节的问题。按照专业研究谈判领域的哈佛教授 Leslie K. John所说，询问问题是解锁价值、自然提升情商的独特强大工具。

Asking questions is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of curiosity and intelligence. In order to get a complete understanding from all perspectives, asking questions is important to gain relevant context for deepening our understanding of the bigger picture.

询问问题，并不意味着软弱，而是意味着好奇心和智力。为从所有视角全面了解事物，询问问题是非常重要的，因为它可以让人了解相关背景，从而深化人们对大局的理解。

In his book, The Magic of Big Thinking, Ph.D. author, David Schwartz, reminds us to “see what can be, not just what is.” Asking yourself certain big thinking questions can help you become more optimistic in terms of what you can achieve.

在David Schwartz博士的著作《The Magic of Big Thinking》中，他提醒我们要“看到可能，而非只是现状。”询问自己一些大局思维问题可以有助于我们更乐观看待个人潜力。

Some questions include:
一些问题包括：

What am I trying to achieve?
我正努力实现的目标是什么？

What are the intended consequences?
我想要实现怎样的结果？

Who might this be good for that I hadn’t thought of?
有哪些我之前并没想到的潜在受益者？

Who am I actually doing this for?
我实际上在为谁做这一切？

Could this start a new trend?
这是否会引领一个新的趋势？

Could I build on this work in the future?
这是否会成为未来某种发展的基础？

Could I collaborate with others on this?
我是否可以和别人在这件事上合作？

In what way is this different from what is already out there?
这与当前已经存在的产品/事物相比有何不同？

Are there any ethical questions surrounding this work?
关于这项工作是否存在道德争议？

Are there any social groups this could affect more than others?
是否有某些社会团体对这项工作会产生更大的影响？

Are there any unintended consequences?
是否会产生意外后果？

1. See The Details, But With-in The Context Of The Bigger Picture

看到细节，但将其放在大局背景下审视

Of course details are important but you need to see them with-in the correct context.

If you were to only look at the artwork above up-close, then you would just see a bunch of screws. But when you zoom out and see the screws in the full context, all the screws make up a face.

当然，细节也很重要，但需要将其置于正确背景之中。

如果对上面的作品近距离看，那么你只能看到一些螺钉，但如果将其放在整体背景下，你会看到所有螺钉组成了一张脸的图案。

Don’t get lost in the chaos of details with-out big picture context.

Seeing the “big picture” in life allows us to focus on that aspect of life that matters the most without being distracted by inconsequential details.

不要在无大局背景的条件下迷失在无序细节之中。

在生活中，看到大局，让我们能够专注于生活中最重要的事项，而非迷失于鸡毛蒜皮琐碎细节之中。

1. Don’t Dwell on Problems, Maintain a Clear Vision of Your Big Picture Goals and Focus on Solutions

不要沉溺于问题，始终清晰看到你的大局目标，聚焦于解决方案

Big picture visionary’s like Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, and George Washington back in the day, all have dealt with their share of problems. but for every problem they face, they maintain focused on the bigger picture goal and invent solutions to get them there. When seeing the bigger picture you become very fast at solving problems.

一些具有大局视野的高瞻远瞩者，如史蒂夫·乔布斯，埃隆·马斯克和乔治·华盛顿都曾面临种种问题，但对于他们遇到的每个问题，他们都会始终着眼于大局目标，并想出解决方案来帮助他们达成这些目标。当着眼大局时，你能够很快解决问题。

1. Look up!向上看！

Physically moving our heads can spark different kinds of thinking. When we focus too much on the detail, we tend to look down, often at the thing we are trying to focus on.

Experts recommend that looking up can inspire big picture thinking. By looking up, we stimulate our brain to begin inductive reasoning, allowing us to be more creative.

We then start to become more abstract in our logical connections which can encourage new thoughts and ideas to add to a project.

移动头部，可以激发不同思维方式。当我们过度沉溺于细节时，我们往往会埋头于这些细节工作之中。专家建议，向上看这个动作可以激发大局思维。通过向上看，我们刺激大脑开始进行归纳推理，让我们更有创造力。

然后，我们就会在逻辑联系中更抽象化，这会有助于新想法和创意的产生。

1. Map out your entire project

为整个项目创建路线图

If you have trouble looking at the bigger picture, a helpful strategy is to map out exactly what it is you’re trying to achieve, and how. Not only does this improve time management and allow you to create achievable goals to track progress, but it also reminds you of what you’re working towards.

Keep your project map within eyesight and look at it a few times a day to stay on track and limit the focus on minor details.

如果你很难看到大局，那么一个有效的方法就是围绕自己的目标和实现方式创建一个路线图。这不仅可以提升时间管理，而且还会让你创建一个个可达成的细分目标，从而追踪整体进展，同时还会提醒你最终目标是什么。

让这一项目路线图始终在视野之内，每天看数次，确保一切按计划进行，并限制自己耗费在细枝末节事项上的精力。

1. Start a journal

记日记

If you’re looking to become better at big picture thinking in general, training your brain is key. Journaling gives your brain time to process your thoughts as you go, which can inspire new ideas or connect concepts you’d never thought about before.

如果你想整体提升自己的大局思维能力，训练自己的大脑至为关键。通过记日记，可以给大脑时间来处理思绪，这可能会激发新想法，或将不同概念以新的方式联系在一起。

Final Thoughts: Seeing The Bigger Picture
总结：看到大局

Seeing the bigger picture can be a gift and a curse. It can help solve problems with ease and efficiency. It can lead to feelings of lost meaning from a cosmic perspective or feeling of deeper meaning from a family, community, and belonging perspective.

大局观，可以是馈赠，也可以是诅咒。它能够让人轻松高效解决问题。它可能会让人从宇宙视角产生毫无意义感，也可能会让人从家庭、社群和归属感视角感到更深刻意义。

Seeing the “bigger picture” is not something you can just decide to do spontaneously like hiking up a mountain to get a better view. Seeing the bigger picture in life takes a little bit of conscious effort.

看到大局，并非像是你突然就决定爬到山峰就可以一览众山小那么简单，而是需要你有意识地去努力。

But simply by being aware of other perspectives, the effort it requires to see the bigger picture becomes easier over time, just like developing any skill.

但只是通过简单意识到其他视角，那么大局观的形成就会逐渐变得更轻松，像是其他任何技能的培养一样。

Most of us have been on the receiving end of emotional blackmail at some point in our relationship history.
我们大部分人都曾在往昔感情关系中某个时间点受到过情感勒索。

Sometimes we were more aware of it; other times, we didn’t see it depending on how obvious the manipulation was. One thing is for sure; it feels miserable to be a victim of blackmail.
有时我们可以较为轻松识别，但其他时候则取决于对方操纵手段的明显性。但有一点是肯定的，那就是作为情感勒索的受害者，感觉非常糟糕。

You can employ methods to handle the situation once you recognize the signs. Before we move on to spotting the signals and finding ways to deal with the blackmail, let’s first define what is emotional blackmail.
一旦你能够识别情感勒索的迹象，那么就可以采用方法应对这种情形。在介绍相关迹象和应对方法之前，首先让我们来定义什么是情感勒索。

Emotional blackmail is a form of dysfunctional dynamic that happens in some close relationships where a person uses various forms of manipulations to get you to do what they want.
情感勒索是一种不良的关系状态。它发生于一些亲密感情关系中，是指其中一方采用各种类型的操纵手段，让你做他们想要你做的事情。

A person trying to emotionally blackmail you will instill feelings of anger, fear, or guilt to get you to comply with what they want when they want it. However, in these situations, it can be difficult to gauge and clearly point to whether the victim is being manipulated.
试图情感勒索你的人会向你注入愤怒、恐惧或内疚感，以此来让你服从他们的要求和欲望。但在这些情形中，可能会很难衡量或很难明确说出受害者是否正在被操纵。

Leaders in the field, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier identify the power dynamic that occurs in such manipulation. They suggest that emotional blackmailers employ a fear – emotion – guilt tactic to get what they want.
该领域领军人物 Susan Forward 和 Donna Frazier找出了这类操纵的底层运作方式。他们提出，情感勒索者会采用一种“恐惧——情感——内疚”的策略来让对方满足自己。

FOG

FOG is a term named by Forward, suggesting that fear, obligation, and guilt are the dynamics in emotional blackmail between the manipulator and the victim. The acronym FOG also accurately describes the confusion and lack of clarity and thinking that can occur in these interpersonal dynamics. Emotional blackmail can create a fog and contribute to feelings of fear, obligation, guilt, and anxiety.
FOG 是 Forward提出的一个术语，指代操纵者和受害者之间情感勒索关系的三个动力：恐惧、义务和内疚。
这一首字母缩写词同时也精确描述了这类人际关系中可能出现的如fog（雾）一般的困惑、混沌和无法理性思考等情形。情感勒索会生成一片大雾，并造成恐惧、义务感、内疚和焦虑等感受。

Emotional blackmail in relationships can be more or less subtle and appear as withholding of affection, disappointment, or even slight changes in body language and tone of voice.
感情关系中的情感勒索可能会或多或少微妙一些，而且会表现为收回爱意、失望、甚至肢体语言和语调的细微变化。

Because the tactics can be covert, emotional blackmail may be difficult to spot, especially for those who may experience more vulnerabilities to it. According to Forward,
由于策略的隐蔽性，可能就会很难识别情感勒索，尤其是对于那些更易受其影响之人。根据 Forward所说：

“Blackmailers make it nearly impossible to see how they’re manipulating us, because they lay down a thick fog that obscures their actions. All the while, if we attempt to fight back, they ensure that we literally can’t see what is happening to us.”
“情感勒索者让人几乎无法看出他们在操纵我们，因为他们用一层厚厚的大雾遮蔽了他们的行为。整个过程中，如果我们试图反抗，他们会确保让我们完全看不出他们的行为本质。”

They can use covert techniques that create confusion by:
他们会采用以下隐性策略来障人耳目：

Making their demands seem reasonable
让他们的要求看起来具有合理性；

Make the victim feel selfish
让受害者感到是自己自私；

Pathologizing or making the victim seem as though they are crazy
指责是受害者有病（生理或心理）或思维不正常。

Ally with someone of influence to intimidate the victim
拉某一有影响力者站在自己同一战队，试图震慑受害者。

Regardless of the types of emotional blackmail, one thing in common with all emotional blackmailing tactics is the element of threat – if you don’t comply, there will be consequences.
无论情感勒索类型如何，其所有策略的一个共同点，就是“威胁”——如果你不服从，会有后果的！

Tactics
策略

An individual can adopt either of the following tactics or a combination of them to emotionally blackmail their partner:
一个人可能会采用以下一种或数种策略来对伴侣进行情感勒索：

01
The punisher/惩罚者

As the name suggests, in this kind of emotional blackmail step, an individual implores different forms of punishment or threats of punishment as a way to get what they want.
Withholding affection, threats of ending the relationship, putting restrictions on their partner, anger, silent treatment, and even physical punishments and abuse.
如名称所示，这一类型的情感勒索方式中，勒索者会采用不同形式的惩罚或威胁给予惩罚的方式，试图达成自己目的。收回爱意、威胁分手、限制对方、愤怒、冷战甚至肢体惩罚或暴力。

02
The self punisher/自我惩罚者
Here the manipulation happens by using guilt or the suggestion of possible guilt to instill fear.
Threats of self-harm, blaming their partner for their problems and difficulties are some common threats used to trigger fear in others.
这种操纵方式是指通过内疚或暗示可能发生的内疚感而使对方感到恐惧。
威胁自残、将个人问题或困难归咎于伴侣，是一些用于触发别人恐惧感的常见威胁形式。

03
The sufferer/痛苦者
A sufferer holds their hopelessness over their partners’ heads to get them to do what they need.
They blame their problems due to their partner’s actions and threaten them that if they don’t do what they need, it will only add to the suffering.
痛苦者不断提起自己的悲惨无望，以此操纵伴侣满足自己需求。
他们将个人问题归咎于伴侣的行为，而且，他们会威胁说，如果对方不满足他们所需，他们会更痛苦。

They depend on fear, obligation, and guilt to get what they want.
他们依赖于恐惧、义务和内疚感来达成自己目标。

04
The tantalizer/画饼者

A tantalizer uses compensations or rewards to get something from you, but each time you pass one obstacle, there’s another waiting and you just can’t keep up.
Promising some sort of remuneration, especially something that you need or desire, however, their promises rarely ever materialize.
画饼者通过补偿或奖励的方式试图从你这里得到某样东西，但每次你越过一个障碍后，还会有另一个障碍在等着你，而且会让你应接不暇。
许诺给与某种回报，尤其是一些你需要或渴望的东西，但他们的承诺几乎很少兑现。

Now that we have defined what is emotional blackmail, we need to shed some light on how to recognize it. It is not always easy to spot it, especially when the person attempting to manipulate is sophisticated and socially intelligent.
现在我们已经定义了什么是情感勒索，那么接下来我们需要了解如何识别。情感勒索并非总是能够轻易识别，尤其是当试图操纵你的人是个老江湖且深谙人心时。

Signs of emotional blackmail
情感勒索的迹象

Signs of emotional blackmail might not be evident immediately, so you could be blackmailed and not be conscious of it.
情感勒索的迹象可能一开始并不明显，所以你可能在不知不觉间就被勒索了。

Familiarizing ourselves with the signs of emotional blackmail can be a measure of protection. Let’s study some of the most common signs and examples of emotional blackmail in relationships.
熟悉这些迹象，可以作为我们的一种自我保护措施。让我们来了解一下感情关系中一些最常见的迹象和示例。

1. Being accused of everything negative that happens

只要有负面事件发生，你必被指责。

Do they blame you and avoid taking accountability for their actions?
When in a relationship with a person who is emotionally blackmailing you, everything that goes on in the relationship or their life becomes your responsibility.
他们是否指责你，并逃避为自己的行为负责？
当在一段感情关系中，一方对你进行情感勒索时，这段关系中以及他们生活中的每件事情都变成了你的责任。

Example/示例:
If you were paying more attention to me, I wouldn’t have cheated.
If you helped out more with chores, I would have gotten that promotion at work.
如果你当时多关注我一些的话，我本不会出轨的。
如果你多帮忙做一些家务的话，我本来可以得到那个升职机会的。

1. Keeping you out of their good grace

不受对方待见

Due to the blame-shifting for every little thing, you feel like you are constantly apologizing and needing to earn back their affection.
Even when you don’t feel like you should, they twist the situation around quite skillfully, so you think it is your fault and apologize to them.
When you are sorry for something, you need to earn back their affection, giving them the upper hand.
由于在每件鸡毛蒜皮小事上将责任推给你，你感觉自己不断在道歉，需要赢回他们的爱意。
即使当你觉得你并不应该这么做，但他们会相当高超地扭曲事实，让你觉得是你的错，你需要向他们道歉。
而当你为某件事道歉时，这意味着你需要赢回他们的爱意，这就让他们占了上风。

Example/示例:
It’s your fault! I missed my train and was late for work. How will you make it up to me? If you fix this, I will think about trusting/caring/loving you again.
这是你的错！我错过了车，工作迟到了，你怎么能够补偿我？如果你能解决这一问题，我就考虑再次信任/关心/爱你。

1. Lack of compromise or true apology on their end

对方从不妥协或真心道歉

Instead of constantly apologizing on your side, they do not genuinely regret their actions or make any changes. You can tell it is an empty justification they are providing because they are unwilling to back it up with actions.
与你总是在道歉不同，他们从不真心悔改个人行为，也从不做任何干煸。你能分辨出他们的话语只不过是空洞的托辞而已，因为他们并不愿意付诸行动。

Example/示例:
I’m taking this job no matter what you think about moving.
You know how I feel; there is no need to make me apologize.
不管你想不想搬家，我都要接受这份工作。
你知道我的感受是什么。不需要非得逼着我道歉。

1. Making you seem irrational for questioning them

当你质疑他们时，让你看起来仿佛是你不讲理

Have you ever tried to bring some of their errors to light? Have they turned the tables not only to make it seem like it was your fault but also make you appear illogical?
They always have a way to rationalize their unreasonable requests, and you end up being the crazy one if you dare question them.
你是否曾尝试指出他们的一些错误？他们是否调转局面，不仅让一切看起来都是你的错，而且还让你看起来是不讲逻辑的那一方。
他们总是能够让自己的不合理请求变得合理化，而你如果胆敢提出质疑，那么最后你就会是不正常的那一方。

Example/示例:
I told my friend, and they agree you are being absurd about this.
My therapist/pastor/family agrees that what you did was unreasonable, and I am not to blame here.
我告诉了我的朋友，他们都认同在这件事上你很荒唐。
我的心理咨询师/牧师/家人都认同你的行为很无理取闹，我说这话可不是在指责你。

1. Exhorting sacrifices from you for their happiness

勒索你为他们的幸福而做出牺牲

In the beginning, extortion can be more subtle, but it can become more apparent over time.
You begin doing anything you can so they would be pleased because your peace of mind is connected to their satisfaction.
Therefore you make more sacrifices than you might be willing because only when they are satisfied you can count on some harmony.
刚开始，这种勒索可能较为含蓄，但会逐渐变得愈发明显。你开始尽己所能满足对方请求，以取悦对方，因为你的心理安宁与他们的满意感是捆绑在一起的。
因此你会做一些自己不愿意做的牺牲，因为只有当他们满意时，你才能获得一些和谐安宁。

Example/示例:
If you don’t skip the party to take care of me when I am blue, what kind of partner are you? If you can’t provide for me when I am unemployed, maybe I need a new partner.
如果在我心情不好时，你不推掉那个派对来照顾我，那你算什么伴侣呢？
如果我失业时你不给我经济援助，那么我可能需要换个新的伴侣了。

1. Intimidating you or threatening

恐吓或威胁

Some of the more overt symptoms of emotional abuse involve threats to harm you, your close ones, or themselves.
Intimidating, you will get them what they want, so they might resort to this method if they feel nothing else is working.
情感虐待的一些较为明显的症状包括威胁伤害你、威胁伤害你亲近的人或他们自己。
通过恐吓你，他们就能够达成自身目的，那么当他们觉得其他方式不奏效时，他们就可能会故技重施。

Example/示例:
Don’t you think of leaving me, because I will make sure you never see the kids again.
If you ever love someone else, I will kill myself.
别想着离开我，因为我会确保你再也见不到孩子。
如果你爱上别人，我会自杀。

1. Cosmetic concerns about your well-being

借关心之名，行操纵之实

When in a relationship with a person who is emotionally blackmailing you, you feel like there is no room for your voice and needs unless they are somehow tied to the satisfaction of their desires.
当与情感勒索你的人同处一段感情关系中时，你感觉这段感情中容不下你的声音和需求，除非它们在某种方式上与对方欲求的满足有关联。

Example/示例:
I care for you, so I don’t want you to be friends with them anymore.
I need you to be okay now because I can’t make it without you.
我关心你，所以我不想你和他们再做朋友。
我需要你现在好好的，因为没有你我不知道怎么办。

1. Setting boundaries is close to impossible

几乎不可能设置界限

Not only do you not feel heard, you feel you can’t say “no” or push back. Any type of firm boundary is met with disappointment, withdrawal of affection, or more obvious signals of blackmail such as threats.
Boundaries could prohibit them from getting what they need from you; therefore, you feel like standing up for yourself only makes things worse. When you try to push back, they often come after your sense of worth.
不仅你感到对方根本听不进去你的话，你还感觉你不能说“不”或不能反抗。任何类型的坚定界限都会遭受到对方的失望、爱意的收回，或其他更明显的勒索迹象，比如威胁等。
界限，会禁止他们操控你以满足他们所需。因此，你感觉自我捍卫只会让情形恶化。当你尝试反抗时，他们通常会攻击你的自我价值感。

Example/示例:
If you don’t do as I ask, you are worthless to me.
If you do that, I will make sure you pay for it.
如果你不按照我的要求做，你对我而言就一文不值。
你过你那样做，我会确保你会付出代价的。

1. Controlling what you do

控制你的行为

One of the most evident signals of emotional blackmail is the control they impose. If they were to lose it, they might lose everything they gain from you.
Therefore they will use fear, obligation, threats, and guilt to make sure you follow and obey.
情感勒索的最明显迹象之一，是对方所施加的控制。如果他们失去这种控制权，他们可能就会失去从你这里得到的一切。
因此他们会使用恐惧、义务、威胁和内疚等工具来确保你一直听话服从。

Example/示例:
I don’t want you to see them so often.
If I ever see you with another man/woman, I will kill him/her.
我不想让你经常和他们见面。
如果任何时候我看见你和另一个男性/女性在一起，我会杀了他/她的。

6 stages of emotional blackmail
情感勒索的6个阶段

According to Susan Forward and Donna Fraizer of ‘Emotional Blackmail,’ emotional blackmail happens in a cycle. But they have identified six stages of emotional blackmail:
根据《情感勒索》作者Susan Forward 和 Donna Fraizer的观点，情感勒索是呈循环状的。但他们找出了情感勒索的6个阶段。

1. Demand/提出要求

The person states more or less explicitly a request. Often they phrase it so it seems they are showing concern about you. However, they attempt to control you by seemingly caring for you.
勒索者提出一个或明确或不是很明确的请求。通常他们会精心措辞，将这一请求伪装成对你的关心，但实际上却是试图控制你。

1. Resistance/反抗

Since this is something you are not inclined to provide, you refuse, as it is often quite an unreasonable demand. Your resistance could be direct or implied, like “forgetting” to do what they asked.
由于你不大愿意做，因为这类请求通常都很不合理，所以你会拒绝。你的反抗可能会是直接或委婉的，比如，“忘记”他们的请求。

1. Pressure/施压

What distinguishes a person who is trying to emotionally blackmail you from someone who genuinely cares for you is how they react to your resistance.
In a healthy relationship, your partner will accept your refusal or try to find a solution that works for you. When it comes to emotional blackmail, you only receive more pressure or threats when you resist.
能过区分情感勒索和真正关心的一点时，面对你的反抗，他们作何反应。
在一段健康感情关系中，对方会接受你的拒绝，并会努力找出一个你想要的解决方案。而在情感勒索中，当你反抗时，只会面临更多压力或威胁。

1. Threats/威胁

The blackmail itself can be direct or indirect threats that can lead to anxiety. Threats can be issued using words like:
If you go out tonight, I might not be here when you come back.
If you can’t stay with me, maybe I should find someone who cares about how I feel.
勒索本身可以表现为各种会导致受害者焦虑的直接或间接威胁。威胁之语可能类似于：
如果你今晚出去，你回来时我可能就不在这里了。
如果你不能和我待在一起，可能我需要另找一个在乎我感受的人了。

1. Compliance/服从

At first, you don’t want to give in, but you also don’t want them to actualize their threats. Therefore, over time, you comply, and turmoil is replaced with peace and comfort.
一开始，你并不想屈服，但你也不想让他们的威胁成真。因此，慢慢地，你开始服从，这样就终于可以不用鸡飞狗跳大动干戈，终于可以享受一时风平浪静了。

1. Repetition/重复

When you eventually cave, you learn that it is easier to go along with their demand than protest. They learn what methods to use to exercise control more effectively. Hence the pattern is reinforced.
当你最终屈服，你发现服从要比抗议更轻松。他们也学到了那种方法可以更有效控制你，这样这一模式就得到了强化。

10 tips for handling emotional blackmail
应对情感勒索的10条建议

If you suspect you are being emotionally blackmailed, there are things you can do. Please note you should only follow this advice and confront the person if you feel safe doing so.
如果你怀疑你在被情感勒索，那么可以实施以下策略。要注意，只有在你感觉能够保证自身安全的情形下，才可以采取以下建议、对抗对方。

1. Recognize it for what it is

意识到行为本质

If you suspect you are being emotionally blackmailed, start by paying more attention to the dynamic of your relationship. If you want to solve a problem, you need to know what you’re dealing with.
Be careful not to misinterpret your partner’s need to restate some boundaries or advocate for their needs as blackmail. It is only blackmail when it involves pressure, control, and threats.
如果你怀疑自己正在被情感勒索，首先更多关注你们的感情互动状态。要解决问题，首先需要识别问题。
注意不要将对方重述个人界限或捍卫个人需求错认为勒索。只有在施压、控制和威胁等元素存在时，才属于情感勒索。

1. Write it all down

写下来

Not sure about whether you are dealing with emotional abuse? Make an effort to write down details related to the daily interactions that you have with your partner. Writing things down can help you see an abusive pattern with ease.
不确定你是否正在经受情感虐待？让自己写下你们的每日互动细节。用文字记录，可以有助于让你轻松识别虐待型行为模式。

Journalling can also help you unravel the manipulative veil your emotional blackmail relationship may have placed on your senses.
A University of Rochester Medical Center study show that journaling improves mental health. But it can also remove all doubts that may be hampering your judgment.
记日记也可以帮助你揭开对方可能用来障你耳目的操控性面纱。
罗彻斯特大学医学院的一项研究显示，记日记可以改善精神健康状态。它也可以帮你移除任何可能在破坏你判断力的疑虑。

1. Identify what makes you cave in

识别是什么让你屈服

Certain triggers make you comply more easily than others. If you want to change the pattern, you need to know how you contribute to it.
一些因素可能会更易于让你屈服。如果你想要改变这种模式，首先要找到自身纵容原因。

A useful trick is keeping a journal to help you look back and reflect. Often you will see that your love, care or sympathy is used by your abusive partner to get what they want.
一个有效的方法是通过记日记来回顾和反思。通常，你会看到你的爱、关心或同情被虐待方用来达成他们个人目的。

Once you identify your emotional triggers, you must work on not letting them use these on you.
一旦你识别出了你的情感触发因素，你必须开始努力避免对方再利用它们来操控你。

1. Walkway from their tears and screams

面对他们的眼泪和尖叫时选择走开

Want to send a strong signal? Walk away from your partner while they are using emotional outbursts to blackmail you into doing exactly what they want.
Research shows that once you recognize that someone’s tears are not genuine and are being used to manipulate you, you are less likely to be sympathetic to that person.
想要传递一个强烈的信号？当他们开始用情绪爆发来试图勒索操控你时，选择走开。
研究显示，一旦你识别一个人的眼泪并非真实，而是用来操控你，那么你就不那么可能对其感到同情。

It may seem rude and insensitive but it is a clear way of letting your emotionally abusive partner know that they can’t use your sympathetic side to get whatever they want.
这可能看起来无礼冷漠，但这是让情感勒索方知道他们无法利用你的同情来达成他们目的的一种明确途径。

1. Buy yourself time

给自己争取时间

A person attempting to manipulate you will push for an immediate answer or action.
Try to stall so you can figure out the possibilities and decipher which to take. Calmly ask for more time and keep repeating if they pressure you.
To learn how to deal with emotional blackmail, do not let the pressure from your emotionally abusive partner make you give the time that you need to make any decision or think clearly.
试图操控你的人会迫使你立即给出答案或行动。
尝试拖延，从而给自己争取时间想明白可能性和代价。冷静要求对方给自己更多时间，如果对方向你施压，则一直重复这一策略。
要学习如何应对情感勒索，则不要迫于对方压力而放弃自己需要用来做决策和清晰思考的时间。

1. Set strong boundaries

设立坚定界限

Emotional blackmail in marriage or a relationship cannot be dealt with unless you establish clear and strong boundaries that protect your individuality. It can help you combat mental abuse and manipulation.
婚姻或感情关系中的情感勒索往往无法被应对，除非你能够设立可以保护你个人权利的明确、坚定界限。它可以帮助你抵挡精神虐待和操控。

Let your partner know that you won’t tolerate them shouting at you, saying things against your loved ones or threats of physical violence. These are just examples that can help you safeguard your mental health and well-being.
比如，让对方知道你不会容忍他们向你大喊大叫、说你所爱之人的坏话，或威胁对你家暴。这些只是可以帮助你保护个人精神健康和幸福的其中几个例子。

1. Determine if you are safe

判断你是否安全

If your partner’s behavior is endangering you or your close ones, you need to make sure you are safe first.
Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse that can harm you. Emotional or mental abuse can significantly impact your mental well-being and confidence.
如果对方行为对你或你的亲近之人构成危险，那么你首先需要确保自己的安全。
肢体虐待并非可以伤害你的唯一一种虐待。情感和或精神虐待也会显著影响你的精神健康和自信。

Whether mental or physical abuse, there are resources you can turn to. Reach out to helplines that can provide you with all the help and resources you need.
无论是精神或肢体虐待，都存在你可以求助的资源。可以尝试拨打那些能够为你提供你所需的所有帮助和资源的援助热线。

1. Consider counseling

考虑婚姻咨询

Working with a therapist can help you uncover why you are letting this be a part of your life and use this awareness to make more conscious choices.
寻求心理咨询师的帮助，可以帮助你深入了解为什么你会让自己处于这一情形，并让你在意识到这一点后，让你做出更清清醒的选择。

They can also assist you in changing your beliefs about what you deserve and choosing a healthy relationship. A change of this magnitude is never easy, and professional assistance can make it easier to handle.
他们还可以帮助你改变你在关于“自己配得上什么”方面一直持有的理念，以及帮助你选择一段健康感情关系。这种程度的变化从非易事，专业人士的帮助可以让这一切简单一些。

1. Invite them to change and compromise

请对方改变和妥协

Nothing will change unless you make some changes. The way they are is working for them; otherwise, they wouldn’t be choosing to do so.
一切都将一成不变，除非你做出一些改变。他们的行为方式对他们而言是奏效的，否则，他们也不会如此选择。

If you want to stop emotional blackmail, you need to confront them and set new boundaries. You could start by sharing your impressions, fears, and anticipated consequences: Some helpful sentences you can use in an emotionally abusive relationship:
如果你想要停止对方的情感勒索，你需要对抗他们，并设立新的界限。作为开始步骤，你可以先告知对方你的印象、恐惧和预期后果。在情感虐待型感情关系中你可以使用的一些有帮助的句子包括：

I feel drained, and you are pushing our relationship to the edge.
When I comply with your demands, I feel empty. I need to be treated with respect and have my needs acknowledged too.
I’m not going to tolerate your controlling and manipulative behaviors anymore.
我感到心神俱疲。你正在把我们的感情推向悬崖边缘。
当我服从你的要求时，我感到内心空落落的。我也需要被尊重，也需要你认可我的需求。
我不会再容忍你的控制和操纵行为了。

1. Consider leaving

考虑离开

A blackmailer has most likely learned, early on, to get their needs satisfied only by these means. If they are willing, they can learn to take accountability, communicate better, and care about your and their needs simultaneously.
勒索者很可能在人生早期只学会了用这些方式来满足他们的需求。如果他们愿意，他们可以学着承担责任、更好地沟通、兼顾你们二者的需求。

However, if they don’t want to change, you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to stay in.
但如果他们不想改变，你需要问自己这是否是自己想要的感情关系类型。

There is a way out
Don’t ignore the symptoms if you feel your partner is unreasonably demanding or controlling.
还是有出路的。
如果对方总是不合理地强求或控制你，那么不要忽视这些迹象。

Check if you feel guilty and blamed for their actions, intimidated, or threatened by them. If you do, you might be experiencing emotional blackmail in a relationship.
审视你是否因为他们的行为而感到内疚和被指责，是否被他们恐吓或威胁。如果答案是肯定的，那么你可能就在经受情感勒索。

When you notice it, there are things you can do to improve the situation. You deserve to feel safe, listened to, and respected.
You can take steps to advocate more for yourself, seek help for yourself and your partner, and negotiate different boundaries.
当你意识到这一点时，是有策略可以帮助你改善这一情形的。你值得感到安全、感到被倾听、感到被尊重。
你可以采取措施去更好地捍卫自己，为自己和对方寻找帮助，并通过协商争取设立新的界限。