你的善意和牺牲感动了自己，摧毁了感情

KEY POINTS

Studies suggest that sacrificing doesn’t guarantee a boost in relationship satisfaction, and it often backfires.
研究显示，牺牲，并不一定会提升感情满意度，反而通常会适得其反。

Part of the reason our sacrifice is not as beneficial as we may think is that our partner often isn’t even aware of our sacrifice.
之所以如此，部分是因为对方通常并不知道我们做出的牺牲。

Relational sacrifices that were more challenging were negatively associated with relationship satisfaction.
感情关系中较具挑战性的牺牲通常与感情满意度呈反比关系。

Satisfying and sustainable romantic relationships take work. We all know that patience, understanding, and flexibility are important qualities to practice for lasting love. And many of us add to that list the age-old pro-social behavior of sacrifice to improve our relationships.

高满意度和可持续的恋情关系需要用心经营。我们都知道耐心、理解、思维灵活性是让爱情持久的重要品质。而且，我们很多人在这张清单上还加入了素来已久的亲社会行为（对他人和社会有益的行为）——牺牲——以此来提升感情关系。

If we are in a committed relationship, we can all likely relate to giving up our personal preferences at times to please our partners and promote their well-being. Some may sacrifice regularly, believing it will benefit their partner and relationship over time.

如果我们处于一段认真稳定的恋情关系中，我们可能都能对此感同身受：时不时为满足对方想法和需求而放弃个人喜好。一些人可能会经常选择牺牲自我，认为这会有益于他们的伴侣，并且也会逐渐强化感情。

Others sacrifice not just the small daily things but the larger, more challenging ones. Who has not given up something important to us because our partner wanted something completely different?

其他的一些牺牲并非只是日常琐事，而是更大、更具挑战性。只是因为伴侣想要的东西截然不同，于是就放弃对自己很重要的某件事物，谁没有过这种经历呢？

Maybe we decided to forgo that European educational trip we’d been saving up for in favor of a lazy beach vacation our partner suggested—even though we despise the sand and turn lobster-red after ten minutes in the sun. Or perhaps we abandoned our heart’s desire to settle in the tranquil country and instead succumbed to living in a crowded, big city that our partner loves.

可能是因为对方建议去海滩慵懒度假，于是我们放弃了一直攒钱想要去的欧洲游学旅行——即使我们很讨厌沙子，也不想在太阳下晒十分钟就变得像龙虾一样红彤彤。也可能是，我们放弃了想要安居静谧乡村的渴望，而是委曲求全，选择了伴侣所喜爱的拥挤热闹的城市。

We may tell ourselves that we want what’s best for our partner and relationship. And that nothing could demonstrate this more powerfully than by sacrificing for them on the really big things.

我们可能告诉自己我们会一切为伴侣和这段感情着想，要强烈展现出这一点，有什么比得上在重要事情上为伴侣和感情而做出牺牲呢？

Sacrificing as A Mixed Bag of Emotions
牺牲，让对方内心五味杂陈

However, researchers found that sacrifice isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be. Studies suggest that it doesn’t guarantee any boost in relationship satisfaction, and it often backfires.

但研究人员发现，牺牲，并不一定如大家所鼓吹的一般有益。研究显示，它并不能保证感情满意度的提升，而且，通常反而会适得其反。

A recent meta-analysis found that sacrificing for our partner can have a negative impact on our well-being. And our partner often doesn’t experience an automatic spike in positive emotions, as we may have mistakenly thought. At best, our partner may end up with mixed feelings. How can this be when we gave up so much for them?

近期的一项元分析研究发现，为伴侣牺牲，可能会对我们的个体幸福带来负面影响。而且，与我们可能误认为的不同，伴侣也不会各种积极情绪自动飙升。最好的结果也不过是，他们内心可能会五味杂陈。为什么我们为他们放弃了那么多，结果还会如此呢？

Part of the reason our sacrifice is not as beneficial as we may think is that our partner often isn’t even aware of our sacrifice. Researchers found that 50 percent of the time, the romantic partner wasn’t able to express gratitude to their significant other because they didn’t even notice the sacrifice.

我们的牺牲并不像我们所想象的一样有益，部分原因在于，我们的伴侣通常甚至不知道我们做出了牺牲。研究人员发现，有一半的时间，恋情中一方未能向另一方表达感谢，是因为他们根本都没注意到这一牺牲。

And when they are aware of the sacrifice, in addition to some positive feelings, they may also experience negative ones—because they may feel indebted to us, or even worse, guilty. A mixed bag, for sure.

就算当他们意识到我们的牺牲时，除一些积极情绪之外，他们可能也会经历消极情绪——因为他们可能会对我们感到亏钱，更有甚者，会产生内疚感。五味杂集，毫无疑问。

Previous research has shown that relational sacrifices that were more challenging were negatively associated with relationship satisfaction. At the same time, those that were more frequent and easier were most beneficial to relationship quality. Also, attachment styles played a role as well in these associations.

之前的研究已经表明，就牺牲和感情质量之间的关联来看，感情关系中更大的牺牲是与感情满意度呈反比的。而更频繁、更简单的牺牲，对感情质量是最有益的。另外，依恋类型在这些关联中也发挥着一定作用。

To Sacrifice or Not?
牺牲还是不牺牲呢？

So now what? You may be thinking, "should I or shouldn’t I sacrifice if it doesn’t guarantee a benefit to my relationship?" Like most things, it’s not an all-or-nothing but rather a more nuanced approach that is most beneficial when it comes to sacrifice.

那现在该怎么办呢？你可能在想：“如果牺牲并不一定对我们感情有益，那我到底应不应该牺牲自我呢？”同大多数事物一样，在做出牺牲时，最有益的做法，并非非此即彼的极端化，而是需要根据具体情况巧妙细微调整。

Given recent research, we suggest the following tips that might help when you consider sacrificing for your relationship:

根据近期研究，我们提出了以下一些建议，当你考虑为感情做出牺牲时，这些建议可能会有所帮助。

Reexamine what you’re sacrificing and your willingness to do so. Willingness to sacrifice was linked with higher well-being for both the persons giving and receiving the sacrifice.
重新审视你所牺牲的事物，以及你有多么心甘情愿做出这一牺牲。牺牲行为的甘愿性，与感情双方的更高幸福感是相关联的。

Focus on small, daily sacrifices rather than occasional large, challenging ones.
聚焦于日常小牺牲，而非偶尔的、具有挑战的大牺牲。

Find out whether your partner is aware of your intended sacrifice. Discuss the impact of the sacrifice on both of you and your relationship at the moment and down the road.
了解对方是否知道你本意做出的牺牲。讨论这一牺牲行为对你们和你们的感情关系在当下，以及在未来会产生的影响。

Reassess and reframe the sacrifice in a good light if you’re willing to go through with it. Consider some greater long-term benefits that may result from a little sacrifice now.

如果的确愿意做出这一牺牲，那么重新评估，并从更好的视角去阐述它。考虑现在一个小牺牲可能带来的一些长期更大益处。

Finally, if you’re not willing to sacrifice, say on that vacation, consider possible alternatives like compromising (e.g., doing a museum tour in the south of France where you can also take time on the beach) or what researchers call “going your own way” (e.g., by each person taking a separate solo mini-vacation that feeds their soul).
最后，如果不愿意牺牲，比如说上面说的度假，那么考虑一些可能的替代方案，比如，折衷（例如，游览法国南部博物馆，这样同时还可以花时间去海滩）或者研究人员所说的“各行其是”（如，两人各自按照自己的内心愿望分别来个迷你小度假）。

In sum, remember that one size does not fit all (or even most) couples regarding sacrifice and alternative solutions. Attachment styles, personality, and personal goals all play a role. Specific types of sacrifices might work for some couples and not others. And super independent types may have no problem “going their own way,” while others might find that option distasteful.

总而言之，记住在牺牲和替代方案上，并没有一个放之四海而皆准的选项。依恋类型、性格、个人目标等都发挥着影响。特定牺牲类型可能对某些恋情有效，但对其他恋情无效。对超独立类型而言，“各行其是”这一方案可能毫无问题，但其他人可能就对此反感。

Whatever you do, don’t look at what others do; instead, focus on each other. Being open with your partner about what works for both of you is most important to preserve and strengthen your relationship in the moment and over time.

无论你选择怎么做，不要盲目学别人，而是将目光聚焦于你们二人。无论在当下，或是长远而言，与对方开诚布公谈论对双方都有效的方案，是维持和强化感情关系的最关键要素。