People with this syndrome exhibit social behaviors and traits considered immature

患有这一综合症的人会表现出被视为不成熟的社交行为和特征。

We can all probably agree that adulting is just hard sometimes. Between paying the bills on time, taking care of the kids and carving out space for social interactions, it all piles up really fast, leaving some of us wishing we could skirt our responsibilities for good.

我们可能都认同成年有时很艰辛。账单、孩子、社交，各种压力纷至沓来，让我们不禁希望能够永远逃避这些责任。

But for some, growing up seems near impossible — so much so, that their immaturity can ruin relationships, hinder employment and have a lasting impact on their mental and physical health.

但对一些人而言，长大似乎是几近不可能的，以至于，他们的这种不成熟会摧毁他们的感情关系、阻碍他们的职业，对他们的精神和生理健康造成持久的影响。

Growing up is particularly difficult for people who have what’s popularly known as Peter Pan syndrome, but what can they do to break the cycle of immaturity and when is it a real problem?

对患有广为人知的“彼得潘综合症”的人而言，成长尤其困难。但他们如何才可以打破这种不成熟的循环，什么时候这才能被视为存在问题呢？

What is Peter Pan syndrome?
什么是彼得潘综合症？

Peter Pan syndrome (PPS), while not a recognized diagnosis, is a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who has difficulty growing up. The term is derived from the fictional character of Peter Pan, a magical boy who never grows old, created by J.M. Barrie in 1902.

彼得潘综合症虽然并非公认的医学诊断结果，但却是一个广为认知的心理学术语，用来描述难以长大的成年人。这一名称源于1902年J.M. Barrie所创作的一个虚构人物，一个永远不会长大的会魔法的小孩——彼得潘。

People with this syndrome exhibit a series of social behaviors, ideologies and traits that are considered immature. In most cases, they may struggle with commitment, maintaining employment, doing chores, keeping up with responsibilities and having purposeful direction in their lives. Although it’s more common in cisgender men and people assigned male at birth (AMAB), anyone of any sex or gender can develop the behaviors associated with the syndrome.

这一症状患者会表现出一系列被视为不成熟的社交行为、意识形态和特征。大多情形下，他们可能很难专一投入、很难维系一份工作，不会做家务，不承担个人责任，人生无富有意义的方向目标。尽管这在顺性别（天生拥有该性别生理特征，与跨性别相对）男性和AMAB（出生指派性别为男性）的群体中更为常见，但任何性别群体中都可能会发展出与这种综合症相关的行为。

“Much like Peter Pan, these individuals experience a failure to launch or a refusal to grow up,” says Natacha Duke, Registered psychotherapist. “There’s sort of an egocentric nature to them and they continuously avoid responsibility and commitment and don’t take on those adult responsibilities that most people do.”

“与彼得潘很相似，这些人会无法正常迈入社会（Failure to Launch“无法启动”综合症，指一些年轻人不愿或无能力承担成人责任或进入成人角色）或拒绝长大”，注册心理咨询师 Natacha Duke表示，“他们有种自我中心的本性，而且他们会一直回避责任和努力，而且不会像大多数人一样承担成人责任。”

Wendy syndrome
温迪综合症

Because of their inability to take on adult tasks, people with PPS will often seek out others who have what’s called Wendy syndrome. Named after Barrie’s fictional character Wendy Darling, who was created in 1904 as Peter Pan’s friend, Wendy syndrome also isn’t an official diagnosis, but a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who is empathetic, nurturing and even self-sacrificing. Although more common in cisgender women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB), anyone of any sex or gender can exhibit these behaviors.

由于无法承担成人任务，PPS患者通常会寻找”温迪综合症“患者。这一名称源自彼得潘的朋友Wendy Darling。温迪综合症同样也并非正式诊断结果，而只是一个常用的心理学术语，用来指代具有同理心，照顾别人，甚至自我牺牲的人。尽管这一综合症常见于顺性别女性和AFAB（出生指派性别女性）群体，但任何性别群体都会发展出与其相关行为。

“People who have PPS tend to gravitate toward people who have Wendy syndrome, people who are highly nurturing and want to be of service to others,” says Duke.

“PPS患者通常会被很擅长体贴照顾他人，想要服务他人的温迪综合症患者吸引。” Duke说到。

“In the beginning, it’s a match made in heaven. You have someone with PPS who’s really fun and charismatic that draws this other person in, and the person who has Wendy syndrome is able to be there for them, support them and offer suggestions to try to better them. But the problem is that it eventually backfires, and the person with Wendy syndrome inevitably starts to feel taken advantage of.”

“在最初，这当然是天作之合。一方是既有趣又富有魄力的PPS患者，另一方被吸引的则是能够支持他们，照顾他们，提供建议提升他们的温迪综合症患者。但问题是，这通常会适得其反，温迪综合症患者不可避免地会感到被利用。”

With the Peter Pan and Wendy syndromes, the relationship ultimately falls apart when both people are at odds with each other’s behaviors.

彼得潘综合症和温迪综合症患者之间的感情，当两人对彼此行为有意见时，这段感情最终将会崩塌。

“People with Wendy syndrome tend to experience emotional burnout because they’re constantly feeling like they’re giving and giving and not getting anything in return,” notes Duke. “At the same time, people with PPS may feel that their partner is controlling, trying to change them or smothering them.”

“温迪综合症患者通常会有一种情绪上的倦怠感，因为他们不断感到自己在付出，但却毫无回报，”Duke说到，“同时，彼得潘综合症患者可能会感到对方控制欲强，总是试图要改变自己或让自己透不过气。”

As people with PPS have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries, they’ll often jump from one person or relationship to the next in search of people who enable their behaviors and support them in all the ways they have difficulty supporting themselves.

PPS患者通常难以维持健康界限，他们通常会从一个人或一段感情跳到另一个人身边或另一段感情中，去寻找能够纵容他们行为，以他们自身无法企及的方式为他们提供支持的人。

“What happens is that in the end, there’s never really any learning happening on either side,” says Duke.

“而最后，双方实际上彼此都从未学到任何东西，”Duke说。

Is Peter Pan syndrome real?
彼得潘综合症真实存在吗？

Although Peter Pan syndrome isn’t a diagnosable condition, it has quite a bit of overlap with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). While people with NPD exhibit a similar pattern of selfishness as people who have PPS, they also tend to hold a much higher degree of self-importance and entitlement.

尽管彼得潘综合症（PPS）并非一种可诊断的病症，但却与自恋人格障碍（NPD）有很多重叠之处。NPD患者表现出同样类型的自私，而PPS患者往往还会有着远远更高程度的自以为是和特权感。

“With NPD, the person is not just egocentric but there’s a greater sense of manipulation,” clarifies Duke. “Someone with NPD tends to be very sensitive to criticism and can turn to rage in a flash.”

“NPD患者不仅只是自我为中心，而且还有更强的操纵意识，” Duke解释说，“NPD患者还往往对批评非常敏感，而且这种敏感会在一瞬间转变为愤怒。”

People with PPS may not be so quick to anger or revenge, but they do tend to be avoidant when it comes to conflict resolution and are more apt to rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

PPS患者可能并不会如此快速愤怒或报复，但在需要解决冲突时，他们往往会选择逃避，而且更易于采用不健康的应对机制。

“There’s this tendency to want to escape and avoid commitment,” says Duke.

“这里就看到了他们的倾向：他们倾向于逃避，倾向于躲避专一。”Duke说。

The Cause Of Peter Pan Syndrome
彼得潘综合症起因

It's hard to tell what exactly causes someone to want to avoid responsibilities on this great scale, but there are a few theories.

很难确切说有哪些原因导致了一些人如此严重逃避责任，但在这方面的确有一些理论。

A Spoiled Childhood.
被宠溺的童年

You may know someone whose parents rarely said "no." They may have seldom disciplined their child or taught them life skills, and when they became adults, their parents may have still coddled them. While children should have a childhood to call their own, being raised without any boundaries or responsibilities can lead to not wanting to take responsibility. The sudden shift from having everything done for you to have to work and pay bills can be jarring for many people. They were not gradually introduced to adult concepts, and avoidance – coupled with enabling from others – kept them from transitioning into functioning adults.

你可能知道这么一个父母对其几乎百依百顺的人。其父母可能几乎从未教过孩子规矩，也从未教过孩子生活技能。当这个孩子成年后，其父母可能依旧宠你他。虽然说孩子应该有自己的童年，但是如果不设立界限或责任，那么就会导致孩子不想承担责任。从一切都被安排好，到需要自己工作和支付账单，这种天翻地覆的变化对很多人而言都是可怖的。他们并没有被逐步教导一些成人概念，他们的回避，辅以其他人的纵容，则会让他们无法逐渐过渡演变为正常的成年人。

An Abusive Childhood.
虐待型童年

On the other end of the spectrum, someone who was abused as a child may feel like they need to "catch up" on their childhood once they became an adult. They're away from their parents and have more control over their life, so they may regress into a child to feel safe. Perhaps the most famous example is the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. He lived through an abusive childhood and was pushed to be a star. As he grew up, he wanted to regress into the role of a child. He named his estate the Neverland Ranch, and it wasn't unheard of for him to dress up as Peter Pan.

而这一谱段的另一端，则是童年时曾遭受虐待之人。他们可能觉得自己在成年后，需要弥补自己的童年。他们远离了父母，而且对自己生活有更多控制权，因此他们可能会退行至童年角色，以此来给自己一种安全感。可能最著名的例子就是摇滚天王迈克尔·杰克逊了。他童年时饱受虐待，被逼迫成为明星。长大之后，他想要重新退行到孩子角色，他将自己的宅邸命名为永无乡牧场，（永无乡是彼得潘居住的海岛名称），而且据说他也曾装扮成彼得潘的样子。

Yearning For Nostalgia.
怀旧

Feeling nostalgic for your childhood is a phenomenon experienced by many people, not just those who have Peter Pan Syndrome. There is something comforting in remembering and wanting things from when you were growing up. However, someone with Peter Pan Syndrome can become obsessed with this feeling and recreate it. They may promote shows, music, and games from that era, and many discuss how society has changed for the worse. It's okay to be nostalgic, but when you're looking back too much on the past and view the present as somehow lesser or negative, you may not see what's ahead or fear embracing the changes in the world and in yourself.

很多人都曾怀念童年，并不仅仅只是PPS患者们。回忆并渴望再次得到童年时期的一些东西，这会给人一种抚慰感。但彼得潘综合症患者却会执迷于这种感受，而且会将其重现。他们可能会强烈安利那个时代的节目，音乐和游戏，而且很多人还会谈论社会如何世风日下。怀旧并无不妥，但当你过于沉溺往昔，对当下只是失望不满，那么你可能就无法看到未来，或害怕拥抱世界和自身所发生的变化。

Economic Distress.
经济困境

In recent years, jobs and their paychecks seem to be taking their toll on some. Many workers are faced with long hours, little pay, and greater difficulty with reaching and progressing toward life goals due to these factors. If one cannot progress, one may instead regress. They may feel they need an escape from their lives and their realities. Escapism can be a good thing from time to time, but when you're not taking on any responsibilities, it can become a huge problem.

近年来，一些人似乎备受职场和薪酬之困。很多职员面临着工作时间过长，低薪酬等问题，而且这些因素又导致他们难以向前迈进实现个人人生目标。如果一个人无法前进，那么可能就会退行。那么你可能会觉得自己需要逃离自己生活和现实。逃离主义有时会有益，但当你不承担任何责任时，就会成为一个巨大的问题了。

Adult Skills Not Being Taught.
未被教导成人技能。

You may have heard the term "adulting" before. This is a term used to describe basic adult skills and adult trials. Examples include making your own doctor's appointment, doing your taxes, and paying your bills. The term is mostly used ironically, but some people are serious about it. In today's world, it's easy to see why. Many schools don't teach adult skills and how to become a productive part of society. Because people feel ill-equipped to be adults, some may choose instead to not take on adult responsibilities.

你可能听过“Adulting”这个词。它是指基本的成人技能和尝试成人角色。比如：自己预约医生，自己报税，自己支付自己的账单。这个词通常是做反语使用，但一些人也对其很重视。在当今世界，很容易明白为什么。很多学校并不教成人技能，以及如何成为社会有用的一员。因为觉得自身能力并不足以应付成年角色，因此一些人可能就会选择逃避这些成年责任。

Other contributing factors may include childhood trauma. And while the road to Peter Pan syndrome may look different for everyone, social pressures and online acceptance of youthful behavior, freedom and adventure often play supportive roles in developing such behaviors.

其他一些因素可能还包括童年创伤。尽管彼得潘综合症起因因人而异，社会压力，网络上对青少年般行为，自由和冒险行为的认可度等，通常都会助长彼得潘综合症相关行为的形成 。

Peter Pan syndrome warning signs and symptoms
彼得潘综合症警示迹象与症状

Regardless of the potential contributing factors for developing this syndrome, at the core of these behavioral patterns exists a difficulty with distress tolerance or the ability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings.

尽管存在各种潜在的助长因素，但这些行为模式的核心却是难以忍受痛苦，无法忍受不适感受。

“These uncomfortable feelings can be associated with anxiety, sadness, loneliness or even when we’re being criticized,” states Duke. “For people with Peter Pan syndrome, their distress tolerance is very low, which leads them to avoid certain situations because there’s this tendency to not be able to hold onto or tolerate these more difficult feelings.”

“这些不适感受可能与焦虑，悲伤，孤独或甚至被批评相关，” Duke说，“彼得潘综合症患者的痛苦耐受度非常低，这就导致他们会因为无法忍受一些较难处理的感受，而回避某些特定情形。”

Symptoms Of Peter Pan Syndrome
彼得潘综合症症状

As this is not a clinically classified syndrome, there is no official list of symptoms to identify individuals who have this condition. Below are a few symptoms and their explanations.

由于这并非正式医疗病症，因此并没有正式的诊断症状对照表。以下是该综合症的一些症状以及相关说明。

Lack Of Career Interest.
对工作无兴趣

Many jobs are not fun. It’s understandable why a person would not be interested in having a career if they do not enjoy their job or see others struggling with work fulfillment. However, it’s a part of life. Someone with Peter Pan Syndrome may be unmotivated to get a job. When they do have a job, they may slack off, put little effort into advancing their careers, or continually get fired from different jobs. Or they may have a part-time job and refuse to work full-time; without having to work full-time, they can still participate in escapism.

很多工作都并不有趣，而且如果看到有人因为不喜欢自己工作或因为看到其他人很难在工作中获得圆满感，从而对职业不感兴趣，这完全可以让人理解。但这是生活的一部分。彼得潘综合症患者可能完全没有找工作的主动性。当他们的确找到一份工作时，他们通常会懈怠，毫无上进心，或不断在不同工作中被开除。或者他们可能选择兼职而非全职。不需要全职工作，他们就依旧可以践行“逃离主义”。

Not Being Able To Handle Situations.
无法应对棘手情形

As adults, we face stressful situations that we must learn how to handle. However, a person with Peter Pan Syndrome may find it hard to deal with these situations. Instead, they may scream and throw an adult tantrum, or they may yell to resolve problems instead of having a proper conversation, or they may simply avoid the problem altogether. Most people have an occasional breakdown, so just because someone did this once doesn't mean they have Peter Pan Syndrome.

作为成年人，我们会面对一些我们必须学会如何应对的高压力情形。但彼得潘综合症患者可能发现自己很难应对这些情形。相反，他们可能试图以大喊大叫，大发脾气或怒吼他人的方式来解决问题，而不是通过正当对话的方式。他们可能还会选择干脆回避整个问题。大多数人都偶尔会崩溃，只是因为一个人这样做过一次，并不意味着他就患有彼得潘综合症。

Trouble With Commitment.
难以专一投入

Someone with Peter Pan Syndrome may be interested in relationships or sex, but not for long. They may get into casual relationships or promise that they'll be committed, then break up with their partner after a short period. While there are plenty of reasons why people may not want to be in a committed relationship, it can also sometimes be a symptom of Peter Pan Syndrome.

彼得潘综合症患者可能会对恋情或性爱感兴趣，但却不会持久。他们可能会随便就开始一段感情，并许诺会专一，但很快就会与对方分手。尽管人们有很多理由不进入一段专一稳定的感情，但有时这也可能就是彼得潘综合症的症状之一。

Drug And Alcohol Abuse.
吸毒和酗酒

Alcoholism is not uncommon for adults who have Peter Pan Syndrome. They want an escape, and alcohol or drugs provide it. During a person's teens and early adulthood, many people may party, drink a lot, and experiment with drugs. However, if this is still regularly happening far into adulthood, then the person may have an addiction or doesn't want to take on adult responsibilities.

彼得潘综合症患者中不乏酗酒者。他们想要逃离，酒精和毒品就为他们提供了一种逃脱感。在一个人的青少年和刚成年时期，很多人可能会参加派对，大量饮酒，尝试毒品，但在进入成年阶段很久之后如果依旧经常发生，那么这个人可能就已经成瘾，或者并不想承担成人责任。

Unreliable.
不可靠，不可信赖。

Someone with Peter Pan Syndrome is often unreliable. They may promise to do something for you, and when the time comes, they're nowhere to be found. If they make plans to do something with someone, they may bail on those plans often. They may make an underwhelming excuse or be someone who doesn't bring it up at all. Look for this to be a constant pattern in a person's life.

彼得潘综合症患者通常并不可靠。他们可能会做出许诺，但当需要兑现时，他们就会消失得无影无踪。如果他们计划和某人一起做某事，他们可能经常会反悔。他们可能会找一个蹩脚的借口，或对该事绝口不提。注意这是否是一个人的常见行为模式。

It's Everyone Else's Fault.
都是其他人的错。

Taking responsibility is a difficult thing for many people to do, but someone with Peter Pan Syndrome may rarely or never take responsibility for their actions or mistakes. Instead, it's typically another person's fault, even if all the evidence points to the person with Peter Pan Syndrome.

对很多人而言，承担责任都并非易事，但彼得潘综合症患者却几乎很少或从不为自己的行为或错误承担责任。相反，他们通常会说是其他人的错，尽管所有证据都表明是他自身的错。

Doesn't Want To Improve.
不想提升自我。

Finally, someone with Peter Pan Syndrome usually doesn't want to improve themselves. They may never self-correct or want to grow as a person. Instead, they may want to remain as carefree as possible with as few responsibilities for the foreseeable future.

最后，彼得潘综合症患者通常不想自我提升。他们可能从未自我矫正，从未想要成长为更好的人。他们只是想要在可预见的未来内，尽可能摆脱责任牵绊，尽可能无忧无虑。

These are just a few examples. Some adults may have a few symptoms or tendencies but may not be full-blown Peter Pan. As this isn't a recognized syndrome, it's a bit subjective. However, if they exhibit these symptoms to an extreme degree, they may be experiencing this condition.

以上只是寥寥几例而已。一些成年人可能具有一些症状或倾向，但可能并非完全就患有彼得潘综合症。由于这并非公认病症，因此有些主观。但如果他们所表现出的这些症状已经到了极端程度，那么可能就患有这一综合症。

Signs in a relationship
感情中的迹象

In the earliest stages of a relationship, people with PPS may attract a lot of attention because of their charisma, sense of adventure and fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants mentality. They’re fun to be around and fun to explore new activities with, and their childlike nature is almost endearing.

在一段感情最早阶段，PPS患者通常会因为自身魄力，冒险精神和随性思维而备受关注。与他们相处或一起探索新活动都很有趣，他们孩子一般的本性也很招人喜爱。

On the surface, it may feel natural to help them when they’re in a bind or support them when they inevitably fall into a rough spot with work, family or other adult responsibilities. Often, someone with this syndrome may ask for help with such things because of a low level of distress tolerance — and if someone enables that behavior by taking ownership of those responsibilities, a codependent relationship is often the outcome.

表面上，当他们处于困境时，你可能就感觉自然而然要帮助他们；当他们在工作，家庭或其他成人责任方面遇到问题时，也很自然想要为他们提供支持。通常，彼得潘综合症患者在上述问题方面寻求帮助，是因为他们对痛苦的耐受度很低——如果有人帮他们承担这些责任，从而纵容对方这种行为，那么通常就会导致病态共同依赖型感情模式。

“But what typically happens over time in these relationships is that the person supporting the individual with PPS gets to a point where they say, ‘Enough is enough,’” says Duke. “The person with PPS has too much reliance on their partner to handle difficult tasks like writing a resume, paying a bill or looking for a job. That can get old for the supporting partner really quickly.”

“在这类感情关系中，通常随着时间推移，一直在帮助PPS患者的那一方会逐渐觉得：够了！” Duke说，“患有PPS的那一方在面对困难任务时往往过于依赖另一方，比如写简历，支付账单或找工作等。一直扮演支持角色的那一方很快就会厌倦。”

When conflicts arise or the person who has PPS is confronted about their lack of maturity, even having a healthy, productive conversation may prove to be difficult.

在这种感情中，当产生冲突或另一方直截了当质问PPS患者为何如此不成熟时，他们即使只是想要一段健康，有建设性的对话，也是很难实现的。

“There’s a lot of blaming other people for their shortcomings or their behaviors and a lack of personal insight,” explains Duke. “Without being able to tolerate distress, it’s really hard to hear any criticism and therefore it becomes really difficult to have mature conflict resolution.”

“PPS患者会习惯将个人缺点或个人行为归咎于对方，并且缺乏内省能力。” Duke解释说，“由于无法忍受痛苦感受，他们往往听不得批评，因此和他们很难以成熟的方式解决冲突。”

Because of this, you may see someone with PPS jumping from one relationship to the next in a very short-lived amount of time. Ghosting a relationship is also a common practice for people with PPS.

鉴于此，你可能会看到一些PPS患者在很短时间内不断从一段感情跳入另一段感情。玩消失，也是PPS患者在结束感情时的一种常见行为。

Signs at work
职场中的迹象

Because there tends to be a lack of commitment, people with PPS may often have problems with employment and difficulty handling authority. Even starting the application process may prove to be difficult, but if they do find employment and they’re faced with conflict, they may abandon ship and run to the next job they can find without taking accountability for their actions.

由于PPS患者往往缺乏专一性，他们通常存在就业问题，或难以应对权威。甚至开始申请工作对他们来说都存在困难，但如果他们找到了工作但面临冲突时，他们可能就会撂挑子不干，迅速找下家，并且对个人行为不承担任何责任。

“Part of being an adult is accepting that there are things in life that are very mundane. You have to sometimes go to work when you don’t feel like it,” says Duke. “People who have this syndrome don’t accept that.”

“作为成年人，需要接受生活中一些事情就是非常无聊这一事实。有时虽然你并不想，但也必须要去工作，” Duke说。但彼得潘综合症患者并不接受这一点。

How to overcome Peter Pan syndrome
如何克服彼得潘综合症

You can’t remain childlike and exist in goblin mode forever — at least not if it’s causing serious problems in your relationships or your overall ability to function. Like most things related to psychology, the characteristics of Peter Pan syndrome exist on a spectrum, and what’s problematic for some may not be problematic for others.

你不能一直保持儿童状态，一直生活于小精灵模式中，至少当这样会给你的感情和整体机能造成严重问题时，你不能这样。同很多与心理学相关的概念相同，彼得潘综合症的各种特征也存在在一个谱段上。一些对某些人存在问题的特征对其它一些人可能就并无大碍。

“Sometimes, these types of behaviors are non-problems if they don’t affect someone’s life or functioning in at least one significant area,” notes Duke. “With Peter Pan syndrome, often someone else is bringing you to therapy or encouraging you to go to therapy because there is a lack of personal insight into what’s really happening.”

“有时，如果这类行为并没有在任何关键领域影响到别人的生活或正常机能，那么它们就并无问题。” Duke说，“对于彼得潘综合症患者而言，通常是别人带他们去接受心理咨询或鼓励他们接受心理咨询，因为他们自身通常缺乏自省能力，无法认识到事实。”

When a loved one has Peter Pan syndrome
当你爱的人患有彼得潘综合症

Broaching the topic and pointing out the issues associated with this syndrome can be difficult.

According to Duke, “In general, people are very defensive because there is a lack of insight into the difficulty that surrounds their behaviors.”

提起这一话题并指出与这一症状相关问题，可能会很困难。

And while you can’t force someone to get involved in therapy, you can set your own personal boundaries to protect yourself and hold the other person accountable when things don’t go well. Stop enabling the person. Do not give them handouts or support unless they support you back. Healthy relationships are reciprocal, not one-sided.

尽管你无法强迫一个人参加心理咨询，但你可以为自己设定个人界限，保护自己，并在对方侵犯你的个人界限时让对方承担后果。不要继续纵容对方。不要继续再救济或支持对方，除非对方也对你提供支持。健康的感情关系是相互付出，而非单方面付出的。

“If there’s a behavior the person is exhibiting and you’re uncomfortable with it, or they keep lashing out at you or they’re treating you disrespectfully, the best thing you can do is to start by labeling that behavior as ‘not OK’ because of your own self-respecting boundaries, and then second, to encourage therapy,” advises Duke.

“如果对方表现出某种让你感到不适的行为，或对方不断向你发脾气，或他们对你不尊重，你的最佳做法是，首先告诉对方这些行为‘不可以’，因为他们侵犯了你出于自我尊重而设立的健康个人界限。第二步，鼓励对方接受心理治疗。” Duke说。

“If a person doesn’t want to go to therapy and doesn’t want to make any changes, then you need to determine what your own barometer for that behavior is and what you are and are not OK with accepting.”

“如果一个人不想接受心理治疗，也不想做出任何改变，那么你需要判断自己对其行为的接受尺度，以及你可以接受什么，不可以接受什么。”

Suggesting individual, family or couples therapy could be a beneficial start for all involved because it will help shed light on how their accumulated life experiences have gotten them to this point and how some of the behaviors they exhibit are not serving them well.

一开始，可以建议个人/家庭/夫妻心理咨询，这对所有相关者都有益，因为这有助于让他们看到一直以来的生活经历是如何让他们走到这一步，以及他们所表现出的一些行为是如何给他们带来损害的。

“For therapy to work, they need to be willing to recognize and discuss what changes they want for their life and the cost of continuing if they do not make these changes,” she adds.

“想要心理咨询奏效，患者必须愿意认可并讨论他们想要做出的改变，以及如果不做这些改变，他们所必须付出的代价”

When you have Peter Pan syndrome
当你自己患有彼得潘综合症

Since Peter Pan Syndrome is not a clinically recognized medical diagnosis, there is no “official” treatment, but some types of therapy – including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) – have been shown to help.

由于这一综合症并非正式医学诊断，因此并没有正式疗法。但一些心理咨询类型——包括意识行为疗法（CBT）和辩证行为疗法（DBT）——都被证明有效。

CBT helps patients learn to think differently about situations, whereas DBT is a form of CBT designed especially for those individuals with more extreme emotions. CBT is probably the most widely used form of psychotherapy because it works well for a variety of mental health conditions, including people experiencing Peter Pan Syndrome. DBT has been shown to help patients reduce substance abuse, increase confidence, and better deal with their emotions, among other things.

CBT可以帮助患者学会以不同方式思考具体情形，而DBT则是CBT中一种专门针对情绪更极端患者的咨询方式。CBT可能是应用最广泛的心理咨询形式了，因为它在各种各样精神疾病中都卓有成效，其中就包括彼得潘综合症患者。DBT也被表明可以帮助患者减少物质滥用，增加自信，更好地应对个人情绪等。

Businesses have long used the term churn to denote the loss of customers and clients. More recently, psychologists have introduced the concept of relationship churn. In this context, relationship churn refers to unstable on-again, off-again relationships. When couples break up and then reconcile—sometimes many times in a row—this is churn.

商业上很久以来都用 churn 这个词来指代客户流失。近期（本文写于2020年）心理学家们开始引入“relationship churn”这个词。它是指不稳定的、一直在分分合合的感情。当恋人分手然后又和好，有时甚至像这样多次重复，这就是 churn。

Although more prevalent among adolescents and young adults, people of all ages can experience relationship churn. Churning relationships often inspire intense emotions. A person may cycle through intense love, anger, jealousy, grief, and anxiety over the state of the relationship in just a few days.

尽管这更多见诸青少年和青年群体，但实际上在各年龄段都存在。分分合合的感情通常会激发强烈情绪。一个人可能会在短短数日之内，因为感情状态，而经历强烈的爱、愤怒、嫉妒、悲痛和焦虑这一情绪循环。

HOW COMMON ARE ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN RELATIONSHIPS?
这种分分合合的感情有多普遍？

Relationship churn is a new concept that remains poorly studied, so it is unclear how common these tumultuous relationships are. Most research into the topic has examined relationships among people in their teens, twenties, and thirties, so most data on the topic apply to adolescents and emerging adults. A 2012 study of adolescents and young adults found 44% of participants who had a romantic relationship during the two years prior to the study had at least one breakup followed by a reconciliation. A 2013 study found that more than a third of couples who break up will reunite. The same study found that a fifth of married people experience relationship churn.

Relationship churn 是一个新概念，对其研究并不多，因此尚不明确这种激烈动荡的感情究竟有多普遍。很多相关研究只是针对10-30岁人群的感情关系进行了调查，因此在这一方面的大多数数据仅适用于青少年和青年人群。2012年对青少年和青年的一项研究发现，在该调查之前两年内有过恋爱经历的受调查对象中，有44%都曾有在分手后复合的经历。2013年一项研究发现，分手情侣/夫妇中，有超过1/3会复合。这一研究还发现已婚人士中，有1/5都经历过relationship churn。

Defining relationship churn can prove challenging. One partner might think the couple has reconciled after they have sex, even when the other thinks they are still fighting. Likewise, breakups are not always certain. One partner might think the couple is merely taking time apart even as the other believes the relationship to be permanently over.

Relationship churn 这个词很难定义。一方可能在性活动之后觉得两人已经和好，但另一方可能觉得两人还在吵架。同样，“分手”也并非总是明确的。一方可能觉得只是暂时分开一段时间，另一方可能觉得这段感情已经永远结束了。

The media is filled with depictions of on-again, off-again relationships. Penny and Leonard on The Big Bang Theory broke up only to later reunite and marry. Ross and Rachel on Friends spent much of the series pining away for one another. They remained broken up even after having a child and finally reconciled in the season finale.

媒体中也充斥着对这种分分合合感情的描绘。《生活大爆炸》中Penny和Leonard先是分手，后来和好并结婚了。《老友记》中Ross和Rachel也是在很多集中都因对方而忧伤苦楚。即使在有孩子后他们也继续保持分手状态，但最终在大结局中重新走到一起。

WHY PEOPLE GET BACK WITH THEIR EX
人们和前任复合的原因

Permanently breaking up with a partner can be very difficult. Even when a relationship is irretrievably broken (or even abusive), partners may love one another or experience intense infatuation and attraction.

和另一方完全斩断关系会非常困难。即使当一段感情不可挽回地结束（甚至具有虐待性）双方可能还会爱着另一方或对其痴迷。

A 2017 study identified numerous reasons for the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, including:

2017年的一项研究列出了感情分分合合这一循环的数种原因，其中包括：

1

Believing that problems in the relationship will improve or that the breakup may change a partner’s behavior.
相信感情中的问题会改善，或这次分手可能会让对方改过自新。

2

A strong sense of investment in the relationship.
觉得已经在这段感情中投入了很多。

3

Relationship ambivalence. For example, a person might dislike relationship conflict but feel intense love or trust for their partner.
多种（甚至矛盾）感情交织。例如，一个人可能不喜欢这段关系中的冲突，但对对方感到强烈的爱意和信任。

4

Uncertainty about the future, which may motivate couples both to break up and to later get back together.
对未来不确定，这可能会导致双方分手然后又走到一起。

5

A sense of familial duty. Even if a relationship is unhappy, partners may reunite because of family obligations.
出于家庭责任。即使这段感情不幸福，但双方可能依旧会出于家庭责任而复合。

6

Fear of being alone. Singlehood can be difficult, especially for someone who is accustomed to being in a relationship. For some people, such as those with separation anxiety or anxious attachment styles, being single can be scary. Even if a relationship is unhappy, loneliness can trigger a reconciliation.
害怕孤独。单身生活会很难，尤其是对于那些习惯处于感情关系中的人。对一些人而言，比如有分离焦虑或焦虑型依恋类型的人，单身状态可能会很恐怖。即使一段感情并不幸福，但孤独也可能会让二者复合。

BRINGING UP BAGGAGE
旧事重提

Everyone brings their life experiences to their relationships. These experiences color their expectations, their perceptions of what is normal, and their hopes and fears about the relationship. A reunion following a breakup is no different. However, it can be difficult for couples to separate the baggage from their prior relationship from the new relationship.

每个人都带着各自的生活经历走入一段感情，这些经历影响着他们对感情的期望，对正常和非正常迹象的评判标准，以及他们对这段感情的希望和恐惧等。分手之后的复合也同样如此。但是，双方可能很难将之前感情中的问题与新感情隔绝开来。

Research published in 2013 found that ongoing relationship churn makes it progressively more difficult to end the relationship. Couples trapped in a cycle of breaking up and making up report lower relationship satisfaction and greater uncertainty about the future of the relationship. Another 2013 study found that high-churn relationships had higher conflict than stable relationships, including relationships in which couples remained stably broken up.

2013年发布的一项调查显示，持续的分分合合，会让一段感情更难结束。陷入这种分手复合循环中的恋人/夫妻表示他们感情满意度更低，而且对这段感情未来走向的不确定性更高。2013年的另一项研究显示，分合率更高的感情关系中，冲突要多于稳定感情关系（其中也包括双方持续稳定处于分手状态的情形）。

This doesn’t mean that it is impossible for a relationship to succeed following a breakup. Some people even successfully remarry after an acrimonious divorce and are able to enjoy many years of happy marriage.

这并不意味着在分手之后就不可能让一段感情有结果。一些人甚至在和平离婚之后还会复婚并打造幸福美满婚姻。

To increase the odds of success a second—or third—time around, it’s important to identify what went wrong in the earlier relationship. A therapist may be able to help couples sort through old issues. Treating the new relationship as a fresh start may also help. Bringing up long-resolved emotional wounds, especially as a weapon in fights, can make it difficult to move forward.

要在第二次或第三次提高成功率，重要的是识别之前感情关系中的问题所在。心理咨询师可能能够帮助恋人/夫妻们理清过去的种种问题。将复合后的感情看作一段全新的开始，这也会有益。提起早已解决的情感伤痕，尤其是在争吵时将此作为武器，可能会让这段感情难以继续向前发展。

WHEN SHOULD YOU BREAK UP FOR GOOD?
何种情形下该永远分手？

Relationships in which there is abuse—including verbal, sexual, physical, or financial abuse—are not safe for either partner. Reuniting without addressing the abuse is a recipe for further abuse, and it may give the abusive partner greater control. Likewise, when a partner is abusive to children, reuniting can be traumatic to the kids and harmful to the entire family. Before considering a reunion, each partner must weigh the effects of the relationship on their physical and emotional wellbeing.

Abuse isn’t the only reason to break up for good. Some signs that a relationship is doomed include:

存在虐待的感情关系——包括语言、性、肢体或经济虐待——对任何一方都是不安全的。如果在不解决这一虐待问题之前就复合，这势必会导致虐待行为的继续，而且可能还会给施虐者更多控制权。同样，当一方虐待孩子，那么复合的话可能会对孩子有创伤，也会对整个家庭有害。在考虑复合之前，双方都必须衡量这段感情对他们生理和心理健康所造成的影响。虐待并非永远分手的唯一理由，一段感情注定没有好结果的迹象还包括：

Continually repeating old patterns.
不断重蹈覆辙。

01

Every couple has a few fights that repeat themselves. But if a couple continues to fight about the same things that caused the earlier break-up, this may indicate the relationship is beyond repair.
每对恋人/夫妻都有一些围绕相同问题而重复发生的争吵。但如果他们还会因为曾导致他们分手的问题而争吵，那么这可能意味着这段感情关系已经无法挽救了。

Getting back together without discussing relationship problems.
没有讨论感情中所存在的问题就复合了。

02

Couples who reunite without committing to sustained change tend to repeat the same patterns as before.
虽然复合，却不努力做出持久的改变，往往会导致这段感情重蹈覆辙。

Reuniting solely because of loneliness or jealousy.
仅仅处于孤独或嫉妒而复合。

03

Getting back together without a commitment to ongoing communication and relationship improvements can make the next breakup even more painful.
如果在复合后不重视沟通和感情改善，可能会让下次分手更痛苦。

A couples counselor may be able to help couples assess whether their relationship can be saved and what must happen to save it. Therapy can even ease the breakup process by offering support to each partner and helping couples transition to a different type of relationship. For parents of young children who must continue to co-parent, therapy can be particularly helpful.

感情关系咨询师可能能够帮助恋人/夫妻评估他们的感情是否可以被挽救，以及必须采取的挽救措施。专业咨询甚至可以通过向各方提供支持，帮助双方过渡至新关系形式的方式，让分手不那么令人难过。对于有年幼孩子且双方必须采取共同育儿方式抚养孩子的恋人/夫妻来说，专业咨询尤为有益。

Both partners do not have to go to therapy to see improvements. It takes two people to create relationship conflict. Individual therapy can help a person identify their role in the conflict. It may also help a person understand why they keep returning to the relationship. If the relationship ends, the right therapist can help ease feelings of grief, jealousy, or low self-esteem.

并非双方都必须参加咨询才可以改善感情关系。感情中的冲突往往是一个巴掌拍不响。个人咨询可以帮助一方识别自己在这一冲突中所扮演的角色，可能还会帮他/她理解为什么自己不断选择复合。如果这段感情结束，好的咨询师会帮助缓解痛苦、嫉妒和低自尊感等感受。

KEY POINTS
要点

Gaslighting can happen in relationships between two people and between people and institutions.

煤气灯操纵既可以发生于人际关系之间，也可以发生于个人与某组织机构之间。

Gaslighting happens when there is a power imbalance.

当存在权力不平衡时就可能会出现煤气灯操纵

If you are experiencing the effect of gaslighting, sometimes it takes walking away to reclaim your reality.

如果你也是煤气灯操纵的受害者，有时需要决绝离开才能让自己重回现实。

Can we say goodbye togaslighting in 2023? We are not so sure. Sometimes when we name it, it's in the air we breathe. The term has come up most recently in interviews with Prince Harry, in his memoir, in ongoing press coverage, and in the docuseries Harry & Meghan, in which the Prince claims institutional gaslighting of Buckingham Palace. “I can't think of what my mum went through all those years by herself," Harry says in the docuseries. To him, seeing institutional gaslighting is extraordinary. "That's why everything that's happened to us was always going to happen to us because if you speak truth to power, that's how they respond.”

2023年，我们能向煤气灯操纵告别吗？对此我们并不能很确定。有时当我们试图识别我们所遭受的煤气灯操纵行为时，感觉它像是在我们呼吸的空气之中一般无处不在。最近，在对哈里王子的采访中，在其回忆录中，在热度不减的媒体报道中，在纪录片系列《哈利和梅根》中，这一词频频出现，在这些节目和书籍中，这位王子声称受到了白金汉宫的机构型煤气灯操纵。“我根本无法想象我的母亲当年是如何一个人度过那段岁月的。”哈利在纪录片系列中如是说。对他而言，能看到机构型煤气灯操纵这一现象，是很非同寻常的。“这就是为什么已经发生在我们身上的每件事都还会一直发生在我们身上，因为如果你向权势团体实言相告，这就是他们的回应方式。”

Gaslighting is a term that has turned up everywhere,Merriam-Webster even named it the 2022 word of the year. Mainstream media has spotlighted the concept through the miniseries Inventing Anna, the documentary Bad Vegan, and the political thriller Gaslit. The public is also becoming aware of gaslighting: I attended a holiday party where a woman confided how freeing it was to recently learn there was a name for the abuse she endured in her former marriage.

煤气灯操纵这个术语现在无处不在，Merriam-Webster甚至将其命名为2022年度词汇。主流媒体也通过微型剧 Inventing Anna（《虚构安娜》），纪录片 Bad Vegan（《纯素败类》）和政治悬疑片 Gaslit 等聚焦这一概念。它也变得被大众熟知：我之前参加了一个假期派对，派对上一位女士透露说，最近得知了这么一个可以形容她在之前婚姻中所遭受的虐待的词汇，是如此地让她感到舒畅释怀。

Gaslighting as a form ofemotional abuse occurs when one person’s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality. Gaslighting can happen between two people in any relationship, such as in a romantic partnership or a professional context. It can even take place between a doctor and a patient in the form of medical gaslighting. And gaslighting usually occurs when there is a power imbalance—the person in the relationship with more power is the "gaslighter," the person with less power and at risk of being gaslighted, the "gaslightee."

煤气灯操纵是一种情感虐待，是指一个人通过心理操纵的方式让对方质疑自己眼中的现实。这种操纵可见诸任何人际关系，或是感情中或是职业场合，甚至也可以发生在医患关系中，这种叫做医疗煤气灯操纵。煤气灯操纵通常发生于存在权力不平衡的情况下——关系中较强大的一方是gaslighter（煤气灯操纵者），而较弱的、可能会被操纵的，被称为“gaslightee”（煤气灯操纵对象）

Gaslighting also can occur on a cultural, political, or institutional level. A power struggle or power imbalance is the quality thatall gaslighting scenarios share. I am not close enough to the situation to confirm nor deny the existence of gaslighting in this scenario, but Prince Harry claims that the royal family misused its authority by participating in institutional gaslighting. In particular, the docuseries finale focuses on the royal family’s relationship with the press, perhaps this was the reality check that supported Prince Harry in identifying the gaslighting.

在文化、政治或机构层面，也可能出现煤气灯操纵行为。权力斗争或权力不平衡是所有煤气灯操纵场景中的共同特征。虽然我因为没有近距离了解从而无法确认事实如何，但哈里王子的确声称皇室通过机构煤气灯操纵的方式滥用了其权力。尤其是在纪录片系列最后一集，这一集主要讲述了皇室与媒体的关系，可能正是这一客观审视，帮助哈里王子识别出了煤气灯操纵行为。

“They were happy to lie to protect my brother," Harry says. “They were never willing to tell the truth to protect us.” Meghan adds: “I wasn't being thrown to the wolves. I was being fed to the wolves.”

“他们很乐于通过撒谎的方式来保护我哥哥，”哈里表示，“但他们从来不愿意讲述真相来保护我们。”梅根补充说：我当时不是被扔到狼群里，我是被喂给狼群。

Was it really gaslighting?
那真的是煤气灯操纵吗？

A frenzy of public googling about institutional gaslighting ensued after the docuseries' release, along with opinions offered in the media about whether the claims of institutional gaslighting are well-founded. Throughout my 30-yearcareer as a psychoanalyst, I have helped hundreds of people learn how to identify whether they are being gaslighted and how to begin to make changes in–or get out of–an abusive dynamic or relationship.

在这一纪录片系列发布后，人们在谷歌上面掀起了对煤气灯操纵这个词的搜索热潮，同时各大媒体也纷纷对这一主张是否有充分根据而提出了各种观点。在我作为精神分析师30年的职业生涯中，我曾帮助数百人学会如何识别自己是否在被煤气灯操纵，以及如何在这段虐待型关系或感情中做出改变，或是如何离开这一关系或感情。

It’s important to remember that gaslighting does not take root in every argument or interpersonal conflict. Two people can disagree, each feeling strongly about their position and equally engaging in the debate. People can express their forceful and, at times, hurtful opinions as alternate interpretations of the same set of facts; this, too, is not gaslighting. Even when one person rejects the other person’s point of view and instead wants them to adopt their own perspective, gaslighting might not be present.

需要记住的重要一点是，煤气灯操纵并不源于每次争吵或两人之间的冲突。两个人可以意见不一致，且各持己见，并平等辩论。人们也可能会对同样的事实给出另一种解读，从而基于此提出自己强烈的、有时很伤人的个人观点，这也并非煤气灯操纵。甚至当一个人拒绝另一个人的观点，而是想说服对方采纳自己观点时，这也可能并不算是煤气灯操纵。

As I explainedpreviously, conflicts can veer into gaslighting if one person is so insistent over time that the other person starts to doubt themselves. A power imbalance in the relationship usually allows the gaslighter to undermine the "gaslightee’s" sense of self. The need to control, manipulate, and leverage power are essential components of gaslighting—not hurt feelings or challenged viewpoints.

如我之前所解释，如果一个人是如此长时间坚持，以至于另一方开始怀疑自我，那么冲突就会转向煤气灯操纵。一段关系中的权力不平衡通常会让操纵者破坏被操纵者的自我认知。煤气灯操纵的基本要素是：控制欲、操纵欲和利用个人权力优势——而非伤害感情或驳斥观点。

Perhaps one of the more difficult gaslighting truths to accept is that it takes two. But therein lies your freedom and choice. The gaslighter uses blaming tactics or lies to try to get the other person to question their experience of reality. These attempts only become gaslighting if the recipient accepts this altered narrative, sometimes by simply living with it. Signs that the gaslightee has become a victim are when they feel unsure of themselves, wonder whether they are crazy, avoid future disagreements, and accept the gaslighter’s view of reality instead of their own.

关于煤气灯操纵，可能较难接受的其中一个真相是：一个巴掌拍不响。但你的自由和选择也恰恰蕴含其中。操纵者通过指责或撒谎的策略，试图让对方质疑自己眼中的现实。这些尝试只有在一种条件下才会变成真正的煤气灯操纵：接收方接受了这种被篡改的现实版本，有时，只是忍耐这些行为的存在也是一种形式的接受。

当出现这些迹象时，就表明操纵对象的确是受到了煤气灯操纵：他们对自己感到不确信，怀疑是否自己精神不正常，尽量避免意见分歧，觉得操纵者的说法才是对的，自己的观点感受是错的。

The unfortunate truth of gaslighting is that it is far more pervasive and invasive than we think or know. And today, it is recognized as a dynamic between two people, groups of people, or institutions in power because it’s a strategy that works to control or manipulate others for their own benefit.

关于煤气灯操纵的一个不幸的真相是，它无论在弥漫度或攻击力上都超出我们的认知和想象。如今，它被认为是一种既可以存在于两个人之间也可以存在于两个群体或权力机构之间的关系模式，因为它是一种旨在通过控制或操纵他人从而为自己谋利的策略。

In the context of Harry’s claims, if he and Meghan were experiencing institutional gaslighting, the royal family would be attempting, on a systemic level, to get them to believe a reality different from the one they were experiencing or observing. It is complicated.

在哈里的说法中，如果他和梅根受到了机构煤气灯操纵，也就意味着皇室在试图系统化地让他们相信一个不同于自己感受和观察结果的现实版本。这里面错综复杂。

Think about the complexity of the personal relationship in the family, and then the relationship of that family to theinstitution of the royal family, which some may know is nicknamed “The Firm” dating back to Queen Elizabeth II’s father, King George VI. The British press and tabloids have had their impact on the family and on “The Firm.” Again, complicated. And the complexity creates conflicting interests – sometimes resulting in identifying for all who is "up" and who is "down." Through this lens, someone often is the villain. This time it is Meghan.

想一下这个家庭中个体之间关系的复杂性，然后再想一下这个家庭和其皇室机构角色之间的关系。一些人可能知道自伊丽莎白二世父亲乔治六世时期，皇室就被戏称为“企业”。美国媒体和小报都曾经对这一家庭和这一“公司”产生过影响。因此，如上所说，错综复杂。而这种复杂性则导致了利益冲突——有时就需要给大众找出谁是好人谁是坏人。通过这种视角，通常就会有人被描绘为恶人。这次，是梅根。

Prince Harry referenced the act of “speaking truth to power” when responding to the British monarchy. This concept is a non-violentpolitical tactic that dissidents use to oppose the propaganda and power of governments they regard as oppressive or authoritarian.

哈里王子提到了在回应英国王室时“向权力实言相告”。这一概念是异见者所采用的一种非暴力政治策略，当面对他们眼中压迫性或独裁政府的宣传和权力时，他们采用这一策略进行反抗。

The truth is: No target of gaslighting must “Take It.” Knowledge is power. Although it may not be quick or easy, when you are suffering the impact of gaslighting, and then you identify it, sometimes it takes walking away to reclaim and live your reality.

而这里实言就是：没有任何煤气灯操纵对象必须逆来顺受。知识就是力量。尽管在遭受煤气灯操纵时，识别这种行为可能并非易事，也需要时间，但有时你需要绝决离开，才能重新找回你自己的现实。