KEY POINTS
要点

Fantasies can misguide you in relationships.
幻想在感情关系中会误导你。

It is important to be aware of how past relationships may impact present ones.
了解过去感情经历对当前感情产生怎样的影响，这很重要。

Good relationship choices lead to greater happiness.
良好的感情关系选择会带来更高的幸福度。

A real relationship is often different from how you imagined, but that can make it more satisfying.
一段真实的感情通常与你想象中的不同，但却反而会给人带来更高的满意度。

Frequently, my patients want to form new relationships unburdened by patterns, memories, and fears imported from earlier (usually failed) connections. They want to be fully present in a relationship and resist versions of themselves warped by characters from (what they hope is) a discarded past.

我的患者们在建立新恋情方面，通常想要摆脱过去的（通常失败的）关系模式、记忆和恐惧。他们想要全身心真正投入一段新感情，摆脱（他们希望已成过往的）前任们在他们身上所遗留的各种影响。

But Debbie could only wish to be emotionally independent. “There’ve been a lot of men in my life,” she said. “And none are really gone.” What she meant was that every time she met someone new, she’d react as if they were some warmed-over version of a former guy. She never felt “free,” to use her word, to learn about them on their own terms.

但 Debbie 的问题却是很难实现情感独立。“我生命中有很多男人，”她说，“但他们都阴魂不散。”她的意思是，每当她遇到某位新的男士，都会将其当作自己某位前男友的某种新瓶装旧酒版本而做出反应。用她自己的话说，她从未感到能够“自由”地去将他们视为不同个体去了解他们。

She’d make assumptions as if they were someone she had known; she’d act on those assumptions; the guy would become bewildered, annoyed, and decide that the whole thing just wasn’t worth it. By the time she came to see me, she knew what was going on—that she was in thrall to her old relationships—but she couldn’t help herself.

她会无端假设，仿佛她已经认识他们。她会基于这些假设而做出某些行为，让对方感到疑惑、恼怒，并觉得这样一段恋情并不值得。在她来向我求助之前，她很了解自己问题在哪儿——她完全被囿于往昔感情经历中——但她却无法让自己解脱。

Debbie was attractive, around 35, and divorced. She’d come to the city three years earlier, assuming that she’d make a new start. As a commercial artist with an established client base, it shouldn’t have been hard, at least on its face. But like most people who assume that a change in geography somehow changes them, her relationships remained rocky. As we spoke, she acknowledged that she felt out of control, destined to make choices that would continue to destabilize her.

Debbie 很有魅力，35岁左右，离异。三年前她来到这个城市，觉得自己会有个新的开始。作为有着成熟客户基础的商业画家，这本应不会很难，至少表面看起来应该如此。但如同大多数觉得换个新地方就能让自己脱胎换骨的人一样，她的感情也是一路坎坷。如前所述，她承认她感到失控，感到自己注定做出会继续损害自己的选择。

An affair that had sent her into retreat occurred just when Debbie thought that New York might change the course of her career. She had always been successful as a commercial artist, but, since making the rounds, she’d fantasized that—someday, of course—her work might be shown at MoMA. A few people suggested that she try serious art. It was a heady time. “No one ever before said I was that good.” In her spare time, she took painting classes. She approached galleries.

就在 Debbie 觉得纽约可能会改变她的职业生涯时，发生了一段感情经历，这段经历也让她选择逃离感情。她一直是一位成功的商业画家，但在四处参观后，她幻想着——当然只是未来某天——她的作品也可以在现代艺术博物馆被展览。一些人也建议她尝试严肃艺术。那段时间很让人上头。“之前从未有人说过我是那么厉害。”在她业余时间，她参加绘画课程，她联系各种画廊。

Unfortunately, a gallery owner approached her, although not as she might have wished.

不幸的是，一位画廊老板主动联系了她，尽管并非以她可能希望的方式。

Everard was a former Londoner who had come to New York ten years earlier, intending to work for a big auction house. But then he started an art advisory business on the side. Ultimately, he opened a gallery. When he met Debbie, he clearly had an eye for talent. Nor was he shy about letting her know. Their affair was fueled, in part, by his encouraging her ambitions as a budding, serious artist. He introduced her around. He sold a couple of her pictures. Mostly, though, he allowed her to imagine an alternative, glamorous existence of openings, international buyers, and commissions from MoMA trustees. “I got hooked, I guess, on my fantasies.”

Everard 曾住在伦敦，10年前来到纽约，希望能够在一个大型拍卖行工作。但之后他开始了艺术顾问这一副业。最终，他开设了一家画廊。当他遇到 Debbie时，很明显他能够慧眼识珠。同时他也毫无保留地让她知道他对她的赏识。他们这段感情的动力，部分程度上来自于他鼓励她朝着严肃艺术新星这一宏大志向前进。他给她介绍关系，他卖掉了她的几幅画，最重要的是，他让她能够想象另一种璀璨绚烂的人生：画展、国际买家、来自现代艺术博物馆管理层的委托作画请求等。“我被迷住了，我想，被我自己的幻想迷住了。”

When the affair inevitably ended (Everard found someone else to “encourage”), Debbie couldn’t shake how she’d felt around him. “I still have a hard time living in the real world,” she told me. “I want every guy to make me feel like Everard did—really going somewhere with my art.”

当这段感情不可避免结束后（Everard找到了另一个人去“鼓励”），Debbie 完全摆脱不了和他在一起时自己的那种感受。“我依旧很难活在现实世界，”她告诉我，“我想每个人都能够带给我 Everard 给我带来的那种感觉，也就是说，我的画作有一天真的可以大获成功。”

What interested me, however, was why. Even when she understood the motivations that inevitably led her to a fall, she still allowed them to take hold of her. Why would she give in to stirrings that she knew, from past relationships, did her no good? Perhaps, I think, because she always had. It had become a pattern. She couldn’t tell whether a relationship was based on real, growing affection or just on some high that she got, before it all crashed and burned.

而引起我兴趣的，却是为什么。即使她完全了解这些不可避免让她栽跟头的动机，她依旧让自己臣服于这些动机。为什么她会屈服于往昔恋情的遗留负面影响？我想，可能她一向如此。这已经成为了她的一种模式。她无法分辨一段感情是基于真实的、慢慢发展的爱意，还是只是基于某种宛若吸毒至嗨的状态，而且之后不可避免会轰然崩塌。

The pattern emerged quickly, as soon as she started college. Before she graduated, she'd met a local painter whom, she thought, was the handsomest man she had ever painted. “I married him because he inspired me. Even though we competed.”

这种模式快速浮现，早在刚进大学时就已成形。在她毕业之前，她曾遇到一个当地画家，当时她觉得他时她画过的最帅的男人。“我和他结婚了，因为他激励了我，尽管当时我们之间也存在竞争。”

The problem was that she met someone new. He was a professor of statistics at a local university, and they’d been introduced by a mutual friend.

而问题是，她遇到了另一个人。他是当地一座大学的统计学教授，一位共同的朋友介绍他们认识。

When Debbie started dating him, he seemed nice enough, but (at least from her perspective) there was no spark. “He doesn’t know much about art,” she told me. “He says that if I want to go in the direction of serious painting, then I should try, but he has no basis for encouraging me.” In other words, here was a guy who didn’t fit Debbie’s pattern. In fact, he was the opposite: he didn’t flatter her or push her towards serious art, and he wasn’t likely to hurt her or leave her.

当 Debbie 开始和他约会时，他看起来人很好，但却（至少在她看来）没有火花。“他对艺术并没有很多了解，”她告诉我，“他说如果我想要朝着严肃艺术的方向发展，那么我应该尝试一下，但他并没有鼓励我前行的基础。”换言之，这个人并不符合 Debbie的 模式。实际上，他完全恰恰相反：他没有恭维她，或将她推向严肃艺术，而且他也不可能会伤害她或离开他。

The challenge with Debbie was to help her distinguish between short-term excitement—the pattern that we’d discovered—and what might lead to happiness in the long run. Okay, Larry had not been exposed to art. But, as it turned out, he was really nice to Debbie. He wasn’t selfish, and wasn’t preying on her ego.

在治疗 Debbie 方面存在的挑战是，帮助她区分短期兴奋——我们已经发现的她的行为模式——和长期幸福。好，Larry 没接触过艺术，但是，他却真的对 Debbie 很好。他不自私，而且也没有在利用她的 Ego。

I suggested that Debbie give him a chance. “You could teach him about art. Bring him to some galleries.” The point was not to allow old patterns, deeply rooted in her past and in her fragile ambitions, to derail a promising relationship. “Even if Larry is not, finally, The One,” I said, “at least you’ll have the experience of being with someone who doesn’t recycle your self-defeating tendencies.” I hoped she’d notice the difference, and get to like it.

我建议 Debbie 给他一个机会。“你可以教他艺术，带他去一些画廊。”重点是，不要让深深植根于她过去人生和脆弱志向中的固有模式摧毁一段很有希望的感情。“即使最后 Larry 并非你的真命天子，至少你终于可以有一段不再重复往昔负面模式的感情经历。”我希望她能够注意到这种不同，而且会喜欢上这种不同。

When we seek romantic happiness, we are frequently our own worst enemies. We prefer to live out temporary fantasies rather than pursuing real-life, long-term goals. We tell ourselves, “Don’t settle,” but what we’re really saying is that we don’t want to compromise with our fantasies.

当我们追求爱情时，我们通常是自己最大的敌人。我们更愿意追求短暂的幻想，而非追求切实的、长期的目标。我们告诉自己，“不要将就”，但我们真正想说的却是：“我们不想让自己的幻想妥协。”

At some point, however, we have to learn how to navigate our fantasies, and the best way is to actually see how it feels. If we learn anything from Debbie, therefore, it’s that trying to get past the pull of our fantasies —especially when they are tied up with our greatest ambitions—is far from easy. We can even be aware that we’re falling into our old ways and do it anyway. But if we ever want to be happy for the longer term, without all the usual awful blowback, then we have to try.

但在人生某个阶段，我们都不得不学会如何走出这些幻想，而最佳方式就是看它带给你的真实感受。因此，如果我们从Debbie身上学到任何东西，那就是，摆脱幻想的吸引——尤其这些幻想被与你的宏伟志向捆绑在一起时——远非易事。我们甚至虽然会意识到我们在重蹈覆辙，却依旧会义无反顾去做。但如果我们想要获得长期幸福，不再一如既往地被反噬，那么我们就需要尝试走出这些幻想。

What Is Anhedonia?
什么是“快感缺失”

Anhedonia is the inability or reduced ability to feel pleasure. When a person suffers from anhedonia, they lose interest in the activities, hobbies, or experiences they used to love.
快感缺失，是指感受快乐的能力丧失或减弱。当一个人患有快感缺失时，他可能会对曾经热爱的活动、爱好或体验失去兴趣。

“Anhedonia, a term first used by Ribot in 1896, is a diminished capacity to experience pleasure. It describes the lack of interest and the withdrawal from all usual pleasant activities. Chapman et al. defined two different types of hedonic deficit: physical anhedonia and social anhedonia. Physical anhedonia represents an inability to feel physical pleasures (such as eating, touching and sex). Social anhedonia describes an incapacity to experience interpersonal pleasure (such as being and talking to others).”
快感缺失由 Ribot 于1986年首次使用，是指体验快乐的能力降低。它表述了对所有平时让自己感到愉悦的活动丧失兴趣且不再参与。Chapman 等人定义了两种类型的快感缺失：

生理快感缺失
社交快感缺失

生理快感缺失是指无法感受到生理愉悦，（如饮食、触碰和性活动等）。社交快感缺失是指无法感受到人际交往带来的愉悦（比如与别人共处和交谈）。

It has been associated with many mental disorders, including depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and substance use disorder. People who have physical conditions like chronic pain and Parkinson's disease may also experience anhedonia.
这已经被认为和众多精神障碍存在联系，其中包括抑郁、双相情感障碍、精神分裂和物质使用障碍等。患有慢性疼痛和帕金森等生理疾病的患者，可能也会有快感缺失体验。

Symptoms of Anhedonia
症状

The symptoms of anhedonia depend on the type.
不同类型快感缺失表现为不同症状：

Symptoms of social anhedonia may include:
社交快感缺失的症状可能包括：

Very few or no relationships at all
几乎没有或完全没有人际关系

Complete withdrawal from existing social relationships
从既有社交关系中完全脱离

A diminished capacity to express emotions
情绪表达能力骤降

Fake emotions in social situations (e.g., pretending to be happy at a celebration)
在社交情形中假装表现出某种情绪（比如在庆祝活动中假装开心）

Preference for being alone
更愿意独处

Symptoms of physical anhedonia may include:
生理快感缺失的症状可能包括：

A complete loss of libido or interest in sexual interactions
完全丧失性欲或对性活动的兴趣。

Frequent illness or other physical health issues
频繁生病或患上其他生理健康问题。

A person with anhedonia may miss out on big life events. By not maintaining their social connections, people with anhedonia may also have strained relationships and even a loss of social connections.
快感缺失患者可能会错过一些重大的人生事件。而且由于无法维持社交关系，他们可能还会陷入紧张的人际关系或甚至失去某些社交关系。

Complications
并发症

Studies show that those with anhedonia are more likely to be at risk of suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, and death by suicide. This is especially the case among those with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
研究显示，快感缺失患者更易于产生自杀想法、尝试自杀或自杀死亡。PTSD患者中这种现象更显著。

Research has also shown that anhedonia may be a risk factor for dementia-related diseases, such as Alzheimer’s disease. In a 2019 study, older adults with anhedonia were five times more likely to develop dementia than peers without anhedonia.
研究还显示，快感缺失也可能是痴呆相关症状，比如阿兹海默症等的风险因素之一。在2019年的一项研究中，快感缺失患者患痴呆症的几率是非快感缺失患者的5倍。

Anhedonia has also been associated with a heightened risk of adverse cardiac events among patients with heart conditions.
在心脏疾病患者中，快感缺失也被认为与更高的不良心脏事件风险相关。

What Causes Anhedonia?
什么导致快感缺失？

It's unclear exactly what causes anhedonia. Studies show that it may be closely tied to certain processes in the brain. Researchers found that the part of the brain that controls reward, decision-making, anticipation, and motivation is often involved in anhedonia.
对其起因尚无明确结论。研究显示其可能与大脑中的一些过程密切相关。研究人员发现，大脑中控制奖励、决策、预期和动力的区域通常与快感缺失相关。

They theorized that people with anhedonia may lack the ability to anticipate good things and find motivation. They also have problems accurately judging the effort required to achieve a certain reward.
他们提出这一理论：快感缺失患者可能缺乏预测良好结果或找到动力的能力。他们同时还难以精确判断达成特定奖励所需要付出的努力。

Anhedonia is linked to several mental health disorders. It is considered one of the core features of depression. People with schizophrenia often report both physical and social anhedonia.
快感缺失被认为与数种精神健康障碍相关。它被认为是抑郁症的核心特征之一。精神分裂症患者也通常报告生理和社交快感缺失。

Research has shown that depression in bipolar disorder is also associated with anhedonia. Doctors use the severity of anhedonia to determine how severe a case of bipolar disorder is.
研究显示双相情感障碍中的抑郁症状也与快感缺失相关。医生根据快感缺失的严重程度来判断双相情感障碍的严重程度。

Anhedonia-like symptoms may occur when using recreational drugs or when going through withdrawal. Also, researchers have found that those who already have anhedonia may be more likely to start taking recreational drugs. They may also be more likely to become addicted.
当服用娱乐型药物或在戒瘾阶段时也可能会出现类似于快感缺失的症状。另外，研究人员也发现已经患有快感缺失的人更可能会开始服用娱乐型药物。另外他们也更可能对其成瘾。

Other conditions associated with anhedonia include:
其他与快感缺失相关的疾病包括：

Parkinson’s disease/帕金森症

Chronic pain/慢性疼痛

Diabetes/糖尿病

Eating disorders/饮食障碍

Autism/自闭症

The severity of anhedonia may be linked to the related health condition. A study found that people with schizophrenia, substance use disorder, Parkinson's disease, or chronic pain experience moderate levels of anhedonia. Those with depression have more severe anhedonia.
快感缺失的严重程度可能与相关健康症状有关联。一项研究发现，患有精神分裂、物质滥用障碍、帕金森病或慢性疼痛的患者更可能会产生中度的快感缺失症状。而抑郁症患者的快感缺失症状则较为严重。

Diagnosis
诊断

Medical professionals often use anhedonia as a symptom to diagnose a mental health illness. For example, anhedonia may lead your healthcare professional to look into whether you have depression or bipolar disorder.
专业医疗人士通常将快感缺失作为一种症状来诊断某种精神健康疾病。例如，你如果患有快感缺失，你的医生可能会考虑你是否患有抑郁症或双向情感障碍。

Anhedonia can be measured using a questionnaire. One of the most popular ones is the Snaith-Hamilton Pleasure Scale (SHAPS). It consists of 14 statements about enjoyable situations typically encountered in daily life. This might include food or drinks and interests or pastimes. You're asked to rate how strongly you agree or disagree with statements based on your memories of the past few days.
对快感缺失的评测可以采用问卷形式。其中最普遍使用的是斯奈思—汉密尔顿快感量表（SHAPS）。该量表包含了14项日常生活中常见的愉悦情形，其中包括饮食、兴趣或消遣活动等。你需要根据自己近期情况，对每一项的认同程度打分。

Your healthcare professional may also perform a physical exam and blood tests to ensure your anhedonia is not caused by a physical condition.
你的医生可能还会对你体检和验血，确保你的快感缺失并非因生理疾病而导致。

Treatment
治疗

Treatment for anhedonia depends on the condition or mental disorder it's associated with. For people with depression, antidepressants may be prescribed, while people with schizophrenia are often treated with antipsychotic medications. Treatment may also include psychotherapy.
对快感缺失的治疗取决于与其相关的疾病或精神障碍。对于抑郁症患者，医生可能会开具抗抑郁药物，而精神疾病患者则通常会被开具抗精神病药物。治疗方式也可能会包含心理治疗。

Since anhedonia may be associated with deficits in the reward system of the brain, a different approach may be necessary for its treatment.
由于快感缺失可能与大脑奖励系统缺陷相关，那么其治疗方式可能就需要一种不同的思路。

One study found that positive affect treatment (PAT) resulted in better outcomes than treatment focused on reducing negative feelings. This approach attempts to increase the brain's sensitivity to rewards.
一项研究发现，正面情感疗法（PAT）要比旨在减少负面感受的疗法要更为有效。这一疗法试图增加大脑对奖励的敏感性。

Some medications may be able to help with anhedonia associated with physical conditions. For example, research shows that people with Parkinson’s disease experience a reduction in anhedonia after receiving treatment with dopamine agonist medications such as pramipexole.
一些药物可能会对生理疾病导致的快感缺失有效。例如，研究显示，帕金森患者在服用多巴胺激动剂药物，如普拉克索后，快感缺失症状会减轻。

You should never quit taking your prescribed antidepressant without speaking to your healthcare provider first. Let them know if it's not helping or you’re experiencing unwanted side effects. They will determine whether your medication dose needs to be changed or if you need a new medication (and how to safely make the change).
如果没有先咨询你的医生，则不应停止服用被开具的抗抑郁药物。如果这些药物并没有效果，或给你造成不良副作用，则应告知你的医生。他们会判断是否需要改变你的药物剂量或为你开具新的药物（以及如何安全地切换至新药物）

Summary
总结

Anhedonia is when your ability to feel pleasure is reduced or absent. You lose interest in the things that normally give you pleasure and may withdraw from social interactions.
快感缺失，是指感受快乐的能力降低或缺失。对通常能带给你愉悦的事情，你丧失兴趣，而且可能会不再参与社交互动场合。

Anhedonia has been associated with different mental disorders and physical conditions, including depression, bipolar disorder, and chronic pain. Treatment of anhedonia involves addressing the condition that it's associated with.
快感缺失已经被显示与不同精神障碍和生理疾病相关联，其中包括抑郁、双相情感障碍和慢性疼痛。对快感缺失的治疗需要针对与其相关的具体疾病。

Losing interest in the things you once loved can be difficult to experience. Remember that these feelings can be temporary and that anhedonia is treatable.
对曾经所热爱的事物失去兴趣，这种感觉并不好受。但记得这些感受可能会是暂时的，而且快感缺失是可治疗的。

It's important to let your healthcare provider know what's going on. They can help you figure out what's causing your anhedonia. Your treatment may include medication, therapy, or a combination of both. With the right treatment plan, you can get back to experiencing pleasure in your life again.
告诉你的医生你的真实体验，这至关重要。他们能够帮助你找出快感缺失的原因。你的治疗方法可能包括药物、心理治疗或二者兼用。在合适治疗方案下，你就能够重新体验生活中的乐趣。

An emotionally manipulative mother-in-law can cause substantial damage to an otherwise healthy relationship. The good news is, there are signs you can look for and ways you can deal with this problem.

When it comes to relationships, there are many issues that arise. At one point or the other,

may be money problems, trust issues, or simple family disagreements. But one of the stickiest issues may be an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law.

一位具有情感操纵性的岳母/婆婆会对一段其他各方面都很健康的感情造成严重损害。但好消息是，有一些迹象可以察觉，也有办法应对这一问题。在感情中，会发生很多问题，在不同时间点，可能会是经济问题，信任问题或只是家庭意见不合，但其中最棘手的，可能莫过于一位具有情感操纵性的岳母/婆婆。

Signs of an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law
情感操纵型岳母/婆婆的迹象

You see, not all relationship problems happen within the home. Sometimes they are spawned within the extended family. Here are a few signs that your mother-in-law is being manipulative, so you can try to understand why and protect your family.
并非所有感情问题都源于家中。有时这些问题来自亲戚。以下是一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆的迹象，通过这些迹象，你可以尝试了解为何会产生这些问题，以及如何保护自己家人。

01

She’s passive-aggressive
对方采用消极型攻击

One of the most insidious tactics used by emotionally manipulative in-laws is passive aggression. This treatment involves using heavy implications instead of obvious actions or statements. It’s an attitude or energy used to get some point across, and if you don’t get the point, your mother-in-law will get angry. She’s had plenty of time to show anger quietly and under most radars.

情感操纵型岳母/婆婆的一个最暗中作祟的策略就是消极型攻击。这种行为方式包含：大量含沙射影指桑骂槐而非采用明显的行为或陈述。对方会通过这种态度或方式试图暗示某种信息，如果你领悟不到这种暗示，对方就会生气。她有大量的时间以悄无声息，几乎不被察觉的方式表达愤怒。

02

She is always right
她永远正确

Look, you won’t be able to argue with your mother-in-law when she acts this way. When she decides she wants to buy a new set of chairs for your dining room or change your children’s clothing, she won’t be happy until she gets her way. Now, I’m not saying you should just give in to her every whim, but it’s not going to be easy to disagree with her because she simply “knows best”. And don’t forget, she’s never wrong.

当对方采用这种行为方式时，你根本无法与其争辩。当她决定想要给你的餐厅买一套新的餐椅，或者给你的孩子买新衣服时，如果得不到满足，她就永远不会开心。当然我并不是说你应该屈服于对方的每一个想法，但否定对方真的会困难重重，因为对方“懂得最多”，而且不要忘记，她永远不会错。

03

She doesn’t respect your boundaries
她不尊重你的个人界限

An emotionally manipulative mother-in-law will never respect the boundaries you set for your life. She will come over unannounced all the time. If you leave the door unlocked, she will just waltz right in. She will go inside, start cooking in your kitchen, and even make dinner plans without even consulting you first. There are absolutely no limits.

一位具有情感操纵性的岳母/婆婆永远不会尊重你的个人界限。她总是会突然拜访。如果你没锁门，她还会大摇大摆进来。她会进入你家，开始在你厨房做菜，甚至还会在不问你意见对的情况下就开始自作主张烧晚饭。限制？不存在的。

04

She’s competitive with you
她与你竞争

If your mother-in-law is always competing with you, then that is also manipulation. That insecurity I spoke of before drives her to compete with the things you do for your significant other.

This may include cooking her child’s favorite meals, buying expensive gifts, and whatever else it takes to better you. All this is done out of the fear that she no longer has a place in her child’s life. And this competition can be ruthless.

如果你的岳母/婆婆经常和你竞争攀比，那么这也是一种操纵。

当你为另一半做某些事时，我之前提到的那种不安全感驱使着她在这些事情上和你竞争。

这可能包括：为她的孩子做他/她最爱的食物，买昂贵的礼物，或其他任何能将你比下去的事情。这一切行为的背后动机都是恐惧，即害怕她在她自己孩子人生中再无一席之地。这种竞争会非常残酷无情。

05

She thinks you should be perfect
她认为你应该完美无缺

There’s nothing you can do to truly satisfy an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law. This is because she expects you to be perfect, and no one is perfect. But you see, no one will be good enough for her child, and the pressure she places on you will be immense. She will expect you to keep a spotless home and look ravishing at the same time. Her constant nitpicking will drain you.

你无论做什么都无法让一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆完全满意。这是因为她想让你变得完美，而没有人是完美的。但你看，没有人能配得上她的孩子，她在你身上施加的压力将会十分巨大。她会期望你把家打理得一尘不染，同时还需要让自己魅力四射。她无休止地鸡蛋里挑骨头会让你身心俱疲。

06

She will remind your partner of past relationships
她会向你另一半提起过去的感情经历

Some in-laws may innocently talk about girls from their son’s high school years or old friends from college. However, the manipulative ones will harp on past relationships over and over in an attempt to get a negative reaction from you. She wants to make you jealous, and with your jealousy, then say,

“Why are you being so jealous?”

In fact, it’s unwise to dominate the conversation with memories of past partners. They are in the past for a reason.

一些岳母/婆婆可能会毫无恶意地提起自己儿子高中时代的一些女同学或大学里的一些旧友，但操纵型岳母/婆婆则会一遍遍地提起自己孩子过去的感情经历，就为了让你做出负面反应。她想要让你感到嫉妒，而当你嫉妒时，她就会说：

“你为什么会吃醋？”

实际上，让对过去恋人的回忆成为话题主要内容，这并不明智。他们之所以成为前任，不是没有原因的。

07

She plays the victim well
她擅于扮演受害者

Beware of the mother-in-law that plays the victim. This is an emotionally manipulative individual. If your wife is gone out for a while and her mother comes by, be careful. This is a prime opportunity for your mother-in-law to stir up trouble and play the victim.

When she sees her daughter again, she can tell all sorts of lies about you and paint herself as innocent. When in truth, maybe nothing even happened, or worse yet, maybe she harassed you while her daughter was out. This behavior is clearly manipulative.

警惕扮演受害者的那些岳母/婆婆们。这是一种情感操纵型人群。如果你的妻子外出一段时间，她母亲来到你家，那么一定要小心，这是她兴风作浪并扮演受害者的绝佳机会。当她女儿回来后，她可能会编造关于你的各种谎言，并将自己勾画得完全无辜。而实际上，可能什么都没发生，甚至更糟糕的是，可能在她女儿不在家期间，她一直在烦扰你。这种行为很明显是充满操纵性的。

08

She’s an expert spy
她是专业级监视者

Sometimes a toxic mother-in-law shows her true colors by spying on you. You may think she’s not paying attention, but look closer.

Yes! That was a fake smile she flashed when you caught her eye. But when you looked the other way, she calculatingly tried to find every crack and imperfection in your demeanor. It’s chilling. Oh, and not to mention, she will come by and look through the window too if you don’t answer her knock at the door.

有时，一位毒性岳母/婆婆本性毕露的场景是监视你。你可能觉得她并没有在意你，但仔细看，对的！当你和她对视时你看到她嘴角闪过一抹假笑。但当你假装没注意到时，她会煞费心机地试图找出你行为中的每个瑕疵。这让人不寒而栗。而且，更别提当你不给她开门时，她还会扒着窗户朝里看。

09

She manipulates the children
她操纵孩子们

If you have children, she will talk badly about you to them, either in private or when you’re around. She may also let them do things that you told them not to do. And if your children saw something happen between you and your mother-in-law, she will reframe the incident to make you look like the bad guy.

And, of course, this makes her appear like the victim. You’ll notice she uses the victim mentality quite a bit, and with both your partner and the kids.

如果你有孩子，她会暗中或当着你的面给孩子讲你的坏话。她可能还会让孩子做那些你不允许孩子做的事情。如果你的孩子们看到你和你的岳母/婆婆之间有事发生，她会歪曲事实，让你看起来是不讲理的一方。

当然，这让她看起来像是受害者。你会注意到她无论在你另一半前或你的孩子面前，都会大量采用这种受害者思维。

10

She’s making you feel insecure
她让你有种不安全感

Since your emotionally manipulative mother-in-law has been using all these various tactics, you may have become insecure. And your insecurity, if you’re not careful, will also be used against you. She will notice every little doubt, as if she can read your mind. So, keep your mind well-guarded against her attacks. Your sudden insecurity is a big sign that she’s manipulating you.

由于对方一直采用上述各种策略，你可能会变得有不安全感。而如果你大意的话，对方还会用你的不安全感来攻击你。她会注意到你的每次细微自我质疑，仿佛她能读取你的思维一般。因此，尽力保护自己大脑不受对方攻击。如果你突然产生不安全感，很可能就意味着对方在操纵你。

11

She’s narcissistic
她很自恋

Sometimes manipulation is deeply ingrained in people. As for your mother-in-law, this could be the case as well. If she’s narcissistic, she will want to be the center of attention. She will interrupt you when you speak, and she will ruin your plans. If you made dinner reservations and she finds out, she will convince your partner to do something else at the same time.

And empathy will not be one of her strong suits. She probably doesn’t care how you feel.

有时，操纵性在一些人身上是根深蒂固的。你的岳母/婆婆可能也是同样如此。如果她很自恋，她就会想要成为注意力的焦点。那么当你谈话时她会打断你，她还会破坏你的计划方案。当你在某个餐厅预定了晚餐位子，并被她发现时，她会劝说你的另一半在同一时间去做其他事情。同理心永远都不会是她的强项。她也有很大概率并不在乎你的感受。

12

She only publicly loves you
她对你的爱只是在人前的表演

The thing about an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law is that she will show loads of love and affection for you… but only in public. That’s because she wants everyone outside of the family to see how kind and sweet she is, while behind closed doors, she’s something else entirely. The stark contrast in her behavior is astounding.

关于一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆，她会向你展示大量的爱意和喜爱，但是，只在公开场合才会如此。这是因为她想要家庭外的每个人都觉得她善良亲和，而实际上背地里她完全是另一副模样。这种行为上的反差令人惊愕。

So, what can you do?
那么，你能做些什么呢？

Well, here’s the thing, you can change this, but it won’t be easy. There are a few steps to put into place to protect yourself. Trust me, you will need to make sure your mental health is fortified when being attacked by an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law. Check this out:

事实上，你可以改变这一切，但这并非易事。有一些措施可以帮助你保护自己。相信我，当你被一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆攻击时，你需要强化自身精神健康程度。看以下措施：

1. Get your partner on board

拉另一半站在自己一边

You cannot change anything until you get your partner on board with what’s really going on. It seems like it should be obvious when manipulation is taking place, but it’s not, hence the word, “manipulation”. But if you can get your significant other to see some of the strange things that happen, maybe they can defend you.

如果你不能让你的另一半意识到正在发生的事情，你就永远无法改变这一切。看起来似乎操纵行为发生时应该是很一目了然的事情，但事实并非如此，所以才叫“操纵”。但如果你能够让你的另一半看到所发生的一些奇怪的事情，那么可能他们就能够捍卫你。

1. Keep a record

做记录

Whenever you can, take pictures of important things, people, places, or situations that can rebuke any lies told about you. Secretly record your mother-in-law when she’s saying negative things about you and keep this record for “evidence”. Write down facts and keep a journal about the manipulative occurrences, so you can reference back to this information later on.

尽可能对重要事情，人物，地点或情形拍下照片，用来驳斥任何关于你的谎言。当你的岳母/婆婆说一些关于你的坏话时，偷偷录下来当作证据。写下所发生的事实，对操纵行为用记日记的方式记录下来，这样方便日后参照。

1. Set stronger boundaries

设定更坚定界限

If your boundaries are being broken, set stronger ones. Make a rule that everyone needs to call before coming over to visit. I know this sounds harsh, but if your mother-in-law does not respect your personal time and your home, it’s time to change the rules. You can also designate a certain day of the week when you do not accept visitors.

如果你的界限被侵犯，那么设定更坚定界限。制定规矩，规定每个人在拜访你家前都必须先打电话。我知道这听起来不近人情，但如果你的岳母/婆婆不尊重你的个人时间和家庭空间，那么就意味着该调整规矩了。你还可以指定每周特定一天不接待任何访客。

1. Stay strong and guard your self-esteem

坚定捍卫个人自尊感

Most importantly, don’t let your mother-in-law affect your self-worth. You know who you are, so don’t let someone else change that. Although these manipulative actions can be draining, it’s important to do whatever you need to stay healthy. If you need to walk away, do it. If you need to take a drive, go. Please do if you need to get away from a toxic situation.

最重要的是，不要让对方影响到你的自我价值感。你对自己最了解，不要让别人改变这一点。尽管这些操纵行为会让你感到身心俱疲，但你需要记得尽可能保护自己的健康。如果你需要走开，那么就走开，如果你需要兜风，那就去兜风。如果你需要离开某一毒性场景，那么就离开！

One last thought
写在最后

If you have an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law, it’s common. Many of us do. The good news is that sometimes you can help her change. If the case is that your mother-in-law is feeling insecure and latching onto her child, you can soothe that pain. Sometimes, let her win. Sometimes, let her cook your partner’s favorite dish.

I think it’s about a healthy balance of compromise and assertiveness. But the bottom line is, you’re going to have to be the judge of that yourself. Ask yourself this,

“What am I dealing with here?”

So, I wish you happiness, educated discernment, and good mental health. Be blessed and good luck.

如果你也有一位情感操纵型岳母/婆婆，那么这并不罕见。很多人都有这种岳母/婆婆。好消息是，有时你可以帮助她实现改变。如果情况是你的岳母/婆婆存在不安全感，所以粘着自己的孩子，你可以帮着抚慰这种痛苦。有时，让她赢。有时，让她去给你的另一半做他/她最爱吃的菜。一切都归结于在妥协和坚定之间实现一种健康的平衡，但关键在于，你需要自己来判断这一平衡点应保持在哪儿。问自己“我现在究竟在面对什么问题？”祝愿你幸福，具有明智辨别力，拥有健康精神状态。上帝保佑你，好运常相伴！

It starts innocently enough. You meet someone through a mutual friend, or on a dating app, and after a few dates, there’s a funny feeling in your stomach, an indicator that this person is different. Special. There’s something about them, you think. Time seems to fly by and after a few months, you’re convinced your soul mate has arrived because the emotion you feel is strong enough to power a city. I’m in love, you think, as you re-read old text messages and scroll through their Instagram feed.

这段感情的开端足够单纯。你们通过某位共同好友或者在某约会软件相识，在约会数次后，你心中有种奇妙感觉，这表明对方与其他人不同，很特别。你觉得他们有种特别之处。时间如若飞逝，在数月之后，你坚信你已经找到了你的灵魂伴侣，因为你所感受到的澎湃感情足以为整个城市提供能源。当你重读之前信息，或浏览对方Instagram页面时，“我陷入爱河了”，你想。

You ride a wave of bliss and cannot for one second imagine the feeling coming to an end, and with that kind of optimism, you pack up your stuff and move in together. When you know, you know, you tell your friends and family.

你内心充满幸福甜蜜，甚至无法想象这一感觉会停止。带着这种乐观，你收拾好自己的行李，开始和对方同居。“当你知道时，你自然就会知道。”你这样告诉你的朋友和家人。

And then you wake up one morning and realize that your soul mate, your one and only, your forever and ever love, is actually doing things that to you seem illogical and if you're honest with yourself, kind of stupid.

然后，一天早晨你醒来，你发现你的灵魂伴侣，你的唯一，你永远的爱，却在做着某些在你看来完全不合逻辑，而且坦白说，有些愚蠢的事情。

They wait until the last minute to get things done. They don’t seem at all concerned that they're always late to social gatherings or to work. They don't wash their fruit before they eat it, and they don't seem to know how to drive. They spend money with no budget in mind, and they never seem to be worried about the future. They have no sense of organization, and you are always cleaning up after them.

他们总是拖延到最后一刻，他们似乎完全不在乎总是在聚会或工作中迟到，他们吃水果之前并不会洗一下，他们似乎也不懂如何开车。他们花钱毫无预算概念，而且似乎从来不会考虑未来。他们毫无条理性，你总是跟在他屁股后面帮他整理烂摊子。

You’ve always been the planner, the organizer, the mothership of proactive measures, and as you see their terrible habits playing out, you worry that your relationship won’t go the distance. Having always been told that you are a generous, kind-hearted, and compassionate person, you embark on a mission to help your partner become a better version of themselves: to coach them into perfection.

你一直扮演着规划者，整理者的角色，你制定所有主动措施。当你看到他们的不良习惯浮现，你开始担忧这段感情并不会长久。一直被告知你是一个慷慨，善良和富有同情心之人，你开始踏上了履行一个使命的征程：帮助你的伴侣成为更好的人，指导对方变得完美。

With patience, you encourage them to make different choices. “Maybe you should try getting up earlier,” you say. “Maybe we can sit down and look at your finances and help you budget.”

你很耐心地鼓励对方做不同的选择。“或许你该尝试早起一些，”你说。“或许我们可以坐下来，看一下你的财务问题，帮你制定预算。”

Soon enough, most of your sentences begin with “Don’t forget to…” or “Remember that you need to…” and although you started off with a great deal of patience, you see that none of your efforts are working. Your partner’s still doing the same annoying things, and now you’re annoyed, angry, and frustrated because they don’t appreciate how much you’re trying to help them. After all, isn’t that what love is all about? Coaching our partners and helping them to be better versions of themselves?

很快，你的大多数句子都起始于“不要忘记……”“记得你需要……”尽管一开始你带着大量的耐心，但你发现你的一切努力都徒劳无功。对方依旧死性不改，于是你变得恼怒，生气，沮丧，因为你觉得对方对你的帮助并不领情。毕竟，难道这不就是爱情本该有的样子吗？指导并帮助对方成为他们更好的自己？

Well, no.

呃，并非如此！

Why are you raising your partner?
你为什么在抚养你的另一半？

All of us arrive in relationships with a particular set of beliefs, perspectives, and values that are born from our own experiences and upbringing. No two people are ever the same, and how you show up in a relationship is likely a product of what you experienced long before your partner looked into your eyes and made the world spin a little faster.

我们所有人在进入一段感情时都带着一套特定的理念/观点和价值观，它们来自于我们的人生经历和被养育过程。没有任何两个人是完全一样的。你在一段感情中所呈现的样子，是你往昔经历的产物，而且这些经历远在你的另一半凝视你双眸，让你心中小鹿乱撞很久之前就已经发生。

If you always slip into a pattern of “raising” your partner, consider that maybe you saw the same dynamic playing out in the relationship between your parents. Having been modeled for you for all of your childhood, it may have registered as the normal, healthy dynamic between two people who love each other.

如果你总是会陷入抚养另一半的感情模式，那么考虑其原因可能是这是你在你父母之间看到的感情模式。童年时期你一直耳濡目染，它可能会让你觉得这是两个相爱之人之间的正常/健康模式。

Perhaps you got well-intentioned advice over and over again from friends and family members. I remember talking to a friend of mine about some of my frustrations early on in my marriage. “Don’t worry,” she said. “You just need to train him.” Train him? I thought. I married a human being, not a Labrador retriever.

也可能是来自亲朋好友的一遍又一遍善意的建议。我记得和我一个朋友讲述我在刚结婚时遇到的一些受挫情况时。“别担心，”她说，“你只是需要训练他。”训练他？我想。我嫁给的是一个人，不是一只拉布拉多。

Another reason might be that your partner’s way of existing in the world actually causes you a great deal of distress, because it is wildly different from how you have chosen to live your own life. So when you endeavor to “help” your partner, to mold them, train them, and change them to fit your own beliefs and worldview, perhaps you're trying to mitigate your own discomfort with things being contrary to what you believe.

还有一个原因可能是对方的生活方式的确给你造成了很大痛苦，因为他的生活方式与你所选择的生活方式差异巨大。因此，当你试图去“帮助”你的另一半，去塑造对方，训练对方，按照你的理念和世界观改变对方时，可能你只是在缓解面对与自己理念相悖之事物时所产生的不适感。

Maybe it’s just easier and safer to focus on someone else rather than on yourself. There’s a part of you that recognizes there’s some stuff you haven’t processed, some hard truths about yourself you don’t want to face; turning your attention on your partner seems like a sound strategy to avoid feeling uncomfortable. After all, if you were conditioned to believe that being anything less than perfect is unacceptable, it’s not logical that you would then grow up to be an adult who can embrace your vulnerabilities. It makes more sense to avoid them altogether.

可能只是因为聚焦于别人，而非自己，这样更简单，更安全。你内心有一部分意识到你自己还存在某种未解决的问题，还有一些你不想面对的，关于自己的残酷真相，于是，将注意力转向另一半，似乎就是一个良好的策略，它可以让你避免感到不适。毕竟，如果你被灌输一定要完美才可以，那么你长大成人后就不大可能会接受自己的脆弱之处。这时候，完全回避这些脆弱之处，似乎就是较为合理的做法。

If you experienced a great deal of uncertainty, instability, or traumatic losses throughout your childhood, this may have impacted how you manage your day-to-day now. Your way of establishing safety and stability in the world may have manifested as an emphasis on controlling every area of your life; you plan every step and do everything in your power to avoid feeling the same fear, sadness, and hurt that you may have felt as a child. Your partner forging their own path may trigger an alarm that things are not safe, which means you need to control every aspect of your life, and also theirs.

如果你在童年时期经历了大量的不确定性，不稳定性，或失去过某些重要的人或物且这些失去给你留下了创伤，这可能也会影响你的日常行为方式。你在这个世界上构建安全感和稳定感的方式，可能表现为侧重于控制生活中每个方面。你会规划每一步，尽己所能避免再次感受到童年时期所感受到的那些恐惧，悲伤和伤痛。你的另一半按照自己方式生活，可能会触发你内心的警报，让你感到不安全，让你觉得你需要控制你生活和对方生活中的一切。

How it impacts your sex life
这对你的性生活有何影响

If you have noticed that your sex life has dropped off, if you no longer reach for each other the moment you’re in the same room, it may be that the interactions between you have become too parental, which is not the sexiest dynamic in the world.

如果你注意到你们性生活已经热情消退，你们同处一室时不再互相触碰对方，那么你们之间的感情模式可能就变得过于亲子化，而这种感情模式并非世界上最性感的感情模式。

When you channel all of your energy toward making sure your partner is improving, changing, progressing, and growing, you run the risk of forgetting two important factors: They never asked you for help, and they managed to survive before they met you. Rather than change and grow, they remain firmly entrenched in their ways, and you end up feeling exhausted, frustrated, resentful, and worst of all, unappreciated. This is not a recipe for an active sex life.

当你将所有精力倾注在提升对方，改变对方，让对方前进，成长时，你可能就面临着忘却两项重要因素的风险：

对方从未要求你提供帮助，而且在遇到你之前他们也活的好好的。

对方并未改变和成长，而是依旧固执坚持原来的种种习惯，你则最终感到精疲力尽，受挫沮丧，充满怨恨，而且最糟糕的是，觉得不被珍惜。这可不是构建幸福性生活的配方。

If you are the person being parented, you might be feeling like a 5-year-old who's constantly getting in trouble or trying to get things right so that your partner doesn’t get upset with you. This too may kill any desire for intimacy you may have had when you first met, because you’re starting to feel like you moved in with a younger version of your parent. Again, not sexy.

如果你是被“抚养”的那一方，你可能会觉得自己像是一个5岁小孩，一直担心招惹麻烦，或战战兢兢如履薄冰生怕惹对方不开心。这也可能会扼杀任何你们刚相识时所感受到的亲密欲望，因为你开始觉得和你同居在一起的是你年轻版的父母。同样，这也毫无性感可言。

So what do you do?
该如何做？

Make a decision as to whether or not you really want to stay in your relationship. You may have to explore what drew you to them in the first place and ask yourself some tough questions: Do I really love them? What, exactly, do I love? If you are hyper-focused on the things that bother you, it’s easy to forget the important stuff: Maybe you share the same values, maybe you both want the same things, maybe you share the same faith. Remembering these things can help you determine whether or not you want to stay or throw in the towel.

决定自己是否真的想继续这段感情。首先，你可能需要探究最初是什么让你觉得对方有吸引力，并问自己一些很艰难的问题：我真的爱对方吗？我究竟爱的是什么呢？如果你过度关注那些困扰你的事情，可能就很易于忘记一些重要的事情：可能你们拥有相同的价值观，可能你们都追求同样的事物，可能你们有着共同的信仰。记住，这些事情可以帮助你决定你是否真的想要继续这段感情。

Focus on yourself. Rather than focusing on your partner’s habits, make a conscious effort to turn inward and explore your own relationship expectations and perspectives. Working with a therapist can help you identify and understand stubborn patterns that perhaps you want to change, and help you challenge old beliefs about yourself and/or relationships that have never really served you.

关注自身，而非关注对方的习惯，主动内省，探究自己对感情的期望和视角。寻求心理医生的帮助，这可以帮助你识别并理解自己需要改变的一些固有行为模式，帮助你质疑你对自己，以及往昔负面/毒性感情关系一贯持有的观点看法。

Relinquish control. I would be lying if I said this was easy, because having control may have always been your way of feeling safe and secure, or maybe this was how you learned to express love. Whatever the reason, when you endeavor to explore other paths that are outside of your comfort zone, it might feel terrifying, or it may seem like entirely too much work.

放弃控制欲。如果我说这很简单，那么我肯定是在撒谎，因为掌控感可能一直以来都是你获得安全感的方式，可能也是你所学到的表达爱的方式。无论原因是什么，当你尝试探索自己舒适区之外的路径时，你可能感到恐惧，或者感到很难招架。

But if you’ve realized that you do love the person, and you want the relationship to work, remind yourself constantly that the only thing over which you have real agency is you. No amount of well-intentioned effort on your part will ever change someone who hasn’t first recognized the changes they’d like to make for themselves.

但如果你意识到你真的很爱对方，而且你也想要这段感情修成正果，那么不断提醒自己：你唯一真正能控制的，是自己。如果一个人并未首先意识到自己想要做出某种改变，那么，无论你做出多么善意的努力，都不会令其改变的。

Be a team, not adversaries. If your partner’s up for it, seek a couple’s therapist. Sometimes you can fall into the trap of thinking that your partner is the problem, or perhaps they think you’re the problem. A therapist may help you see that neither you nor they are the problem, but that there is a problem, and it can be resolved by working together, not independently.

成为一个团队，而非敌人。如果对方愿意，可以寻求婚姻咨询师的帮助。有时你们可能会陷入这样一个陷阱，即，都觉得对方才是问题所在。婚姻咨询师可能会帮助你们看到问题并不在于你们，但的确是存在某种问题，而且你们可以共同努力来解决这一问题，而非只靠一方单独解决。

Talking to someone doesn’t have to mean that your relationship is coming to an end. I’ve worked with couples that simply want to work on understanding each other better, and to improve how they resolve conflicts and challenges.

寻求咨询师帮助，并不意味着你们的感情走到了终点。我曾有一些客户，他们单纯只是想要更好地理解对方，提升他们解决冲突和挑战的方式。

Conclusion
结论

No matter how you show up in relationships, know that it is not something to be judged, but to be explored, understood, and appreciated because there's value and purpose to be found in all of our experiences. The more you understand yourself, the better you can do what might seem impossible: accept your partner for who they are, and not for who you want them to be.

无论你以何种方式出现在一段感情中，都需要知道，这并不应该被指手画脚地评判，而是需要被探索，被理解，被珍惜，因为在我们所有经历中都存在某种价值和目的。你对自己理解得越充分，你就能够更好地完成那些看起来似乎不可能的事：接受另一半本身的样子，而非你想让他/她成为的样子。

Synchronicity is a phenomenon in which people interpret two separate—and seemingly unrelated—experiences as being meaningfully intertwined, even though there is no evidence that one led to the other or that the two events are linked in any other causal way. Though many people perceive signs or spiritual meaning in synchronistic events, most scientists believe that such events are more likely coincidences that only seem meaningful due to aspects of human thinking such as confirmation bias.

共时，是指这样一种现象：人们将两个完全独立，或看起来无关的两件事解读为以某种有意义的方式关联在一起，尽管并无证据可以证明二者互为因果或存在其他任何联系。

尽管很多人在共时事件中解读出了某种信号或宗教意义，但大多数科学家却认为这类事件更可能只是纯粹巧合，只不过是因为人类思维的特定方面，比如确认偏见等而看起来富有意义。

Understanding Synchronicity
理解共时

The concept of synchronicity was developed by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung in the early 1900s. Jung himself believed in synchronicity, which he defined as “meaningful coincidences." He wrote extensively about the concept.

共时概念由精神治疗师和心理分析师卡尔·荣格于20世纪初期提出。荣格个人相信“共时”，他将其定义为“富有意义的巧合。”围绕这一概念，他著述颇多。

However, most scientists today consider the idea that coincidences are meaningful to be non-scientific. Instead, many argue that factors such as confirmation bias offer a more compelling explanation: People seek out information to support their ideas and ignore information that challenges them.

但当今的大多数科学家都认为“巧合是富有意义的”这一观点并不科学。他们认为“确认偏见”等因素能够更好地解释这类现象。确认偏见，是指人们会找出那些可以确认自己观点的信息，而忽视那些挑战自己观点的信息。

What is an example of synchronicity?
示例

Synchronicity may be as simple as seeing a word repeatedly and looking for meaning in that experience. In a more complex example, imagine that someone has a dream about an old friend; shortly after, he runs into her. He may believe the events signify something about the friendship, while in reality, they are likely coincidental.

共时，可以是一些简单情形，比如不断看到某个词出现，并在这种巧合中寻找意义。也有较为复杂的情形，比如，一个人梦到了一位老朋友，不久之后就真的碰到了她。他可能认为这传递着关于他们友情的某种信号。但实际上，这可能只是巧合而已。

Who invented the concept of synchronicity?
谁提出了“共时”概念？

Synchronicity was first defined by Carl Jung in the 1920s and explored throughout his career. It has been subsequently studied by physicists such as Wolfgang Pauli, parapsychologists, and some psychoanalysts and Jungian scholars.

这一概念最早由卡尔·荣格于20世纪30年代被定义，对这一概念的研究贯穿他整个职业生涯。之后，也有很多人继续研究这一概念，如Wolfgang Pauli（沃尔夫冈-泡利）等物理学家；一些超心理学家（研究超自然现象或事件的领域）以及一些精神分析师和荣格学派学者等。

Is synchronicity real?
“共时”真实存在吗？

Many modern researchers regard the study of synchronicity as pseudoscience. Synchronistic events can occur randomly, and it may be impossible to scientifically test whether they are, in fact, connected in some meaningful way. What’s more, many instances of synchronicity can be better explained by modern psychological concepts, such as confirmation bias or hindsight bias.

很多现代研究者都将对共时的研究视为伪科学。共时事件会随机发生，而且可能也无法以科学方式测验它们是否的确存在某种有意义的关联。不仅如此，很多共时事件都能够通过现代心理学概念得到更好的解释：比如确认偏见和后见之名偏见等。

What is the difference between coincidence and synchronicity?
巧合与共时，二者有何区别？

Coincidence and synchronicity are related but distinct terms. The term “coincidence” describes a seemingly related series of events that occur without apparent cause. The term “synchronicity” requires that the individual ascribe deeper meaning to the coincidence; indeed, Carl Jung described synchronicity as “meaningful coincidences.”

巧合和共时，二者虽有关联但并不相同。巧合，是指看起来相关联但却没有明显缘由而发生的一系列事件。共时，则需要人为巧合事件赋予更深层意义。卡尔-荣格将共时描述为“富有意义的巧合”。

Are coincidences common?
巧合是否普遍？

In general, yes—particularly because human brains can find “coincidences” in almost anything. Though it’s often not possible to test how likely a particular coincidence is, certain coincidences—like meeting someone with the same birthday—have a measurable probability. A statistical adage known as The Law of Very Large Numbers suggests that in a big enough sample, any so-called “coincidence” is likely to occur.

整体而言，是的，特别是因为人类大脑几乎能够在任何事物中寻找到“巧合”。尽管通常并不可能测验某一特定巧合的发生概率，但某些特定巧合，比如遇到一个同生日之人，却的确是存在可测量的概率的。根据一个被称为“大数定律/法则”的统计学定理，在一个足够大的样本中，任何被称为“巧合”的事件都是有可能发生的。

Why Humans Seek Meaningful Patterns
为何人类会寻找有意义的规律？

It can be easy to spot patterns that don’t truly exist. Why are people so susceptible to this tendency? Experts theorize that, from an evolutionary perspective, pattern recognition was likely beneficial for survival: Ancient human ancestors learned to predict possible threats. For instance, they might realize that predators appear at a particular time of day, so it’s safest to stay hidden.

我们很容易会无中生有地去发现“规律”。为什么人们如此易于有这种倾向呢？专家给出的理论是，从进化论角度来看，识别规律是有益于生存的：古人类祖先学会了预测潜在威胁。例如，他们可能会意识到狩猎者在一天中特定时段出现，这样这段时间里最安全的做法就是藏起来。

Humans impose structure and meaning on their lives. If they come across two events that seem related, they might categorize them together, even if there’s no objective relationship between the two.

人类也会为生活赋予结构和意义。如果他们遇到两个看起来相关联的事件，他们可能就会将其归为一类，即使二者之间并无客观联系。

Why do I see patterns in everything?
为什么我在任何事物中都能看到规律？

The human brain is designed to identify patterns. While this tendency can be useful, it may lead someone to over-interpret a random occurrence or perceive a pattern where none exists. Individuals vary in their tendency to recognize patterns; those who ascribe greater significance to patterns may be more likely to notice them.

人类大脑天生就具有识别规律的能力。尽管这一倾向会很有用，但可能会让人过度解读某一随机现象或无中生有地寻找规律。个体之间规律识别能力各不相同，更重视规律之人可能会更易于注意到规律。

Why do I see the same word or number everywhere?
为什么我到处都看到相同的词或数字？

Feeling that one is seeing the same word or number in multiple places could be the result of confirmation or hindsight bias. Although different words and numbers have different probabilities of appearing—meaning that some repeated sightings are statistically less likely than others—ascribing meaning to such coincidences is an example of synchronicity.

感到在多个地方都看到相同的词或数字，可能是因为确认偏见或后见之明偏见。尽管不同的词和数字有着不同的出现概率——这意味着从统计学上来讲，一些词或数字重复出现的概率要低于其他数字——为这些巧合赋予意义，也是“共时性”的例子之一。

Is pattern recognition a sign of intelligence?
识别规律是智力的一种表现吗？

Excellent visual or logical pattern recognition skills are strongly correlated with high cognitive ability. For this reason, test of pattern recognition are included in most IQ tests. However, excessive pattern recognition—seeing patterns where none actually exist—may be an indicator of certain mental health conditions, such as psychosis.

出色的视觉或逻辑规律识别技能与高水平认知能力密切相关，因此，在大多数智力测试中都包含规律识别测试。但过度识别规律——以至于无中生有——可能意味着某种精神健康疾病，如神经症等。

Are coincidences a sign?
巧合是一种信号吗？

Spiritual individuals may interpret coincidences as signs from God or the universe. However, there is no way to scientifically test these beliefs. While seeing coincidences as signs can provide a sense of purpose, following them too closely can lead to ignoring critical evidence. It’s best to weigh common sense, intuition, and verifiable facts when interpreting coincidences.

信奉某种宗教的人可能会将巧合视为来自上帝或宇宙的信号。但对此并无法从科学方面予以测试。尽管将巧合视为信号，可以给人一种目标感。但过度信奉它们可能会让人对关键证据视若无睹。在解读巧合时最好也衡量常识、直觉和可核实的事实等因素。